A Year On...

A year has passed; at times it can seem like a lifetime or just a few moments.

The children and I continue on our daily challenges with thoughts of a loving Daddy or dearest husband never far from our minds. It seems we are on the rollercoaster of life which sometimes slows down but more often that not gathers great momentum when least expected.

Boogle Bunny is in her final year of primary school with the school selection process complete and we are just days away from finding out if she has gained a place in her first choice of secondary school; I never envisaged making such decisions as a lone parent - it is most certainly not easy and Swordfish had such a methodical and pragmatic way of thinking. I really miss his input and opinions.
Boogle has struggled a huge amount over the last year with many peaks and troughs. She is very emotional, determind, headstrong and outspoken - just like her daddy - but I have sought help from different places and both she and I have been given a massive amount of support, help and advise. It is exhausting to deal with a child's emotions and grief whilst managing ones own too.

Hufty continues in his usual manner. Nothing much changed initially but in the last few months he has shown more anger. His nature is very different to his sister's and although difficult at times, he has been easier to manage, direct and comfort. Being younger, perhaps he is more accepting of my words and advise.

No one writes a book on what to do or say, no one comes in and waves a wand over everything.
Dealing with this last year has been the hardest thing I have every had to do and I know I have made many mistakes but I hope I have learnt a lot about myself and about what is important in life. Now I just need to find the emotional strength and physical determination to see it through.

Thank you all for your continuing support. It has been very hard to write this update as the blog, well, it was Swordfish. Does that make sense?

Swordfish is always in my mind and will forever be in my heart.

19th August 2011

Yesterday we met at the riverside to say our farewell to Swordfish.

The sun shone beautifully.

I found a poem which I felt defined many a thought and feeling.

'You can shed tears that he is gone
or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you cannot see him
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he has gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.'


The children and I sat by the water's edge and scattered his ashes into the water and our small gathering of family and friends put beautiful red roses into the river.

There were tears, a few jolly memories but above all much love for someone so special.

The river holds many memories and now it will grow bigger and more proud as it carries Swordfish away onto his next journey.

Scattering Ashes

I wrote an entry regarding a trip to Wales to scatter ashes. I must let you know that this has now changed.

After long deliberation, I have decided against a trip back to Wales for many personal reasons which I won't go into. Needless to say the decision has been very difficult as Swordfish had not made clear his wish for his ashes to be scattered in one particular place.

We have decided to visit the river Thames for a private, family occasion on 19th August which would have been Swordfish's 46th birthday. I don't think any one of us wants to do this and the children are struggling with the thought of letting go. Boogle Bunny especially. There will be no right way to perform the scattering, no right words to say. Just a group of people sharing their love and their loss of such a wonderful man.

I would like to thank you all for your wonderful messages of support and love. Knowing that we are thought of and watched over by so many is a great comfort.

So if you have a moment to stop, a thought or words to say, please do so on Friday 19th August and tell the people closest to you that you love them.

Time is precious.

this is us

It has been a little over 5 months since Swordfish passed away. Our home is a very empty place without his huge personality but it is also filled with the memories of a wonderful husband and father.

The children and I still take every day as it comes. We expect nothing and if all we achieve is a knowing look or a smile then we have gained.

I often drift back to the blog and read entries from various stages and tonight I was drawn to the last three before he died. I don't know how we had the strength to continue as we did as a family but somehow, we managed. And so on days like today, when I want to curl up and forget about everyone, I must take courage from my own words and remind myself that we can get through each day. No matter how hard or bewildering it may be.

Boogle Bunny turned 10 years old a few weeks ago and she has grown in strength and determination so much. There have been a few rocky times and very confused times but to her credit she has continued to develope into a wonderful, caring, funny and sensible young girl. I should really add occasionally stroppy but I won't!

Hufty was 7 back in May and through the last few months has shown very little change in his cheery personality and dispotition. He has always been sensitive in nature and this side has been slightly more noticable. He had a sad week recently but those times will come and they they will pass. Until the next time.

Their daddy would be immensly proud of both children.

We have moments when we cry together and moments alone. We laugh, perhaps not as much as we used to but there are many fabulous memories of Swordfish that we are able to share together.

Friends have as always been amazing and I am so very grateful to so many.

We mananged a holiday in May which was a much needed distraction and rest. We - just the 3 of us - went to our favourite island Ibiza. A few people questioned my choice, concerned that memories would be too painful. It was completely the opposite. I took great comfort from going somewhere special, that I knew very well and I was able to show the children many places and share stories of our time together both as a family and before, as a couple. Naturally, there were a couple of tearful moments but I think they would have occured anywhere.

I am yet to have any length of time on my own, away from the Boogle and the Hufty. I do feel like it's time that I did. I don't really know how I will feel. They are my reason to get up every day. But I must find some space for myself which I am not so good at doing. I am very scared that I will get everything wrong. What if I let my children down? It is a huge responsibility being a parent and being a parent alone, in grief, is particulrly tough.

I just want to make Swordfish proud.
I want to remember what it feels like to be happy for more than a brief moment.

Thank You

I just wanted to say thank ou to everyone who has sent their well wishes, kind words and thoughts. The children and I take each day as it comes. Some are good and some not so great. As a family we all grieve differently, sometimes together and sometimes on our own. Children grieve so very differently to adults and our two show their sorrow in their own individual way. We talk and share our thoughts all the time. We share our tears and laughter. Swordfish was an amazing person with a huge peronality and we are able to share so many stories and memories; these help with those sad moments. I recently had my birthday and that had moments of incredible sorrow but we managed to have a super day out together. So many friends have donated to the hospice that took great care of Swordfish - thank you so very much. The doctors and nurses there are very special people. I have been asked to give the Just Giving link; a friend of our is cycling from London to Paris and asked if he could ride in memory of Swordfish and donate the sponsorship to the hospice. The link www.justgiving.com/justin-dennis39 Think good thoughts every day dear friends xx

Cader Idris - An Invitation

I wonder if you would take a moment to read the entry

'at the peak - time to descent' dated Sat 8th May 2010

Cader Idris was a very special place to Swordfish and in this posting he mentioned a desire to return to Cader Idris when 'the dragon was slain'.

I would like to continue this wish - even though it will be under different circumstances.

I feel this would be the perfect resting place for Swordfish - a home coming unlike any other.

His wish was for anyone to join him on the journey and to share a pint. I too would like to extend this wish to you all.

Swordfish celebrated his birthday on August 19th. I am hoping to make the journey to scatter his ashes around this date. I will post final details at a later date.

You are all most welcome.

The dragon was mightier than the sword but the passion and the spirit will shine forever.

The Day That Was

Monday 7th March 2011

A very dear friend left a message on facebook saying

'We all came to see you today old friend,you must have been blown away! For we gathered in our hundreds, on this saddest of days, to pay our immense respect,to say our goodbye and although you have gone old friend,the memories will never die. xxx'

I could not have said it any better myself.

There were beautiful words spoken with dignity by family and friends, poetry written by Swordfish many years ago, read out by those very close - even Boogle Bunny managed to read in front of so many. Hufty's loving words were read by Teach.

Thank you all.

I keep trying to write words to express my feelings but I am not able to put them into any form.

All I can say is that the love was there for all to see and the sun shone beautifully all day.

I will miss you forever my darling husband and best friend. xxx

Share the moment.....

Firstly, may I say a very big thank you to everyone who has left thoughts and comments. Our families have been deeply touched and comforted by them all. I keep reading them regularly - thank you.

This week has been a blurr of activities based around arrangements of the funeral. It has been arranged for Monday 7th March at 12.30pm.

Swordfish wasn't particularly religious but he was highly spiritual and I hope I have created a ceremony that is fitting.

I would like to ask you all to share the occasion by taking a moment on Monday to stop and think a while about someone past or present who has touched your lives as Swordfish did to me.

There will be a lot of love floating around that day xxx

Wednesday 23rd February 2011

It is with deepest sorrow that I write to say that my darling Swordfish passed away this morning.

It was peaceful and I was with him all night.

I will write on the blog again in a few days time.

I don't know what else to say right now.

xxx Kitten

the next stage

Over the last few days there have been many ups and downs.

Swordfish has had moments of appearing bright and relaxed and moments of feeling very troubled. There have been tender moments and typical Swordfish moments of calling out the best travel route back to the office to his collegues who dropped by.

However, the overall picture is one of rapid deterioration. Last week he spoke of feeling comfortable both physically and emotionally, content in his environment. Today was very different. He managed to convey with difficulty how frustrated he is with the confusion he has, how uncomfortable he feels emotionally and he spoke of intense physical pain throughout his body.

Pain is something he has never suffered with to the degree he mentioned today. Even up to yesterday he managed to tell me there was little pain.

This pain may be physical but it appears far deeper than that; an emotional pain that no one should feel nor witness.

Following his fall he has had problems getting in and out of bed and this morning he said he didn't think he could do that anymore.

A lengthy discussion with the wonderful doctors led to a joint decision by them, myself and his parents that sedation would be the gentle way to control his symptoms and relieve his discomfort and anxiety. He sleeps most of his time, waking sometimes with a smile that will warm anyones heart. But there is so much we don't see.

I want him to feel relaxed, at ease if that is at all possible.

And so he gently sleeps, aware we are with him, holding hands and talking softly.

I will update again xx

a short message

Swordfish has asked me to write a short blog entry. These are his words.

I am sorry for the lack of entries to the blog recently.

I am very weak now and my capacity to concentrate is very limited. This is down to both the drugs and the progression of the disease.

Kitten and I will endeavour to write a blog together in the next couple of days.

update from kitten

Swordfish has been at the hospice since Tuesday.

The care he is receiving is superb. The staff are understanding, compassionate and flexible without being overbearing or authoritative.

They listen so well and have as much time for you as you need. They support all of us equally and I am humbled.

The main objective was to help Swordfish become more comfortable with the medication he is taking. Each medicine has an effect and a side effect; so, often a further medicine is required!
The syringe driven meds seem to be helping with the sickness but he is so much weaker than last week.

Some of the meds are making him very drowsy during they day. His parents and I have sat with him for many hours over the past few days and he has slept gently for much of this time. Having said that, some of the time he has been more than capable of managing his conversations with the doctors and deciding on treatments.

As the liver is diseased and where it is situated below the diaphragm, Swordfish has been subjected to long bouts of hard hiccups. Two nights ago the lasted over 4 hours. They are very painful and constant. And probably very tiring too.

Unfortunately, just to add to the discomfort, Swordfish took a fall in the early hours one morning. He simply lost his footing and fell onto his right side. The ribs and probably the liver have taken a fair knock and so now, of course, there is medication for the pain. Anyone who has ever had a bump to the ribs will appreciate the discomfort.

His food intake is very little although at times he says he has an appetite but what ever he eats doesn't satisfy. The staff made a strawberry milkshake with Nesquick and ice cream this evening which went down very nicely though.

I left him dozing in the knowledge that he is in good hands, well loved and Wales beat Scotland in the rugby. We had the match on in his room and he did manage a glimpse or two as the Welsh scored.

I will continue to keep you all informed and I apologise if I ramble.

In the Hospice

I've been in the hospice for a day and am getting used to it.

I've been having plenty of visitors, especially as my parents arrived from Wales yesterday.  Tricky Crow, Dumbledore, Gandalf and Bee were also weekend visitors as well as the omnipresent Notoplip.

The main  purpose of being here is to make me more comfortable with the combination of medicines that are being administered and for that purpose they will be keeping me in for anything up to a week.  This is mainly to work on sickness medicine and night time medicine.

It will be interesting to see the results.

The staff are fantastic and I have also been joined today by my GP.

Latest News

Swordfish was admitted into the hospice late this morning. He has a large room and bathroom and windows that overlook the gardens. There is even a small patio outside his door if he wanted to sit and take in the beautiful springlike weather.

Oddly there is also a small bbq!?!

The objective is to get Swordfish into a more comfortable state and one thing suggested a while ago was a syringe driver. A canula is placed sub - cutaneous and will supply a regular amount of medicines directly into his system. This is already in place and hopefully he will benefit soon.

It's very strange not having him here. I miss him terribly but I know he is in the right place at the moment. It's open visiting and the staff are very welcoming and so very helpful.

Into the Hospice

I will be admitted to the hospice either tomorrow, or in the next few days, to work on making me as comfortable as possible through drug control.

I am taking an array of drugs but am still having too much sickness and other discomfort.

Being on-site they will be able to monitor me closely and will be especially focused on the anti-sickness.

I am likely to be away for a few days, which will be the first time of any length.

An Air of Calm

The transfusions seem to have given me a little boost.

I have spent the day in bed but my head feels clear and I feel calm.  My appetite is virtually at zero and this is disease related.  Through this though there is an air of acceptance and I feel fairly peaceful.

There is a lot of opinion in the comments of posts about healers, but this subject is not so important in the sense that a healer cannot change my physical condition at this stage.  The point about the healer was to help bring me peace.  The particular man that I had arranged to see is highly sought after and will be calling me next week, something that is unprecedented for him.

What is important is that I am beginning to look forward and am becoming less anxious.  I have been through a period where I have gone quite quickly from being still seemingly healthy to very poorly and the rate of change has been difficult to deal with.  It is important for me to get on top of that and just accept things as they are.

Transfusion Helps a Little

I do feel a little boosted after the transfusion though it is early days yet.

As Kitten says it was a bit of a nightmare waiting at the hospital yesterday but we got through it.

Hopefully I willl feel boosted enough to have the energy to watch the rugby tonight.

Kitten's parents have gone home today (having been here since Tuesday).  They were here to cover for our proposed journey to the healer in Suffolk, which was regrettably cancelled.  Many thanks to them for their help.

Blood Transfusion

Yesterday's blood transfusion went ahead as planned, although it was a lengthy process.

I took Swordfish to the Marsden by 9am but the transfusion didn't begin until almost 2pm. The staff seemed very busy and the nurse appointed to Swordfish appeared a lot less enthusiastic about her work than any of the other members of staff I have met.

Still, we held it together and a weary man returned home by 8.45pm.

Today he is very tired and so Nurse Kitten (self appointed title!) has suggested plenty of rest and day time snoozing whilst the children are at school.

Thanks to all for continued good wishes. Every word and thought is well received and very much appreciated.

Love kitten x

Shifting Sands and Healers

The news today is that I have had blood test results that show that I am anaemic again and I will be going into the hospital to be have a transfusion tomorrow.

Also, my white blood cell count is up, showing that there is likely to be an infection brewing so I have been put onto antibiotics.

I note that there has been some discussions about methods of healing and healers ability to travel.  The travel issue is really down to well established healers having books of business.  They have other clients who they cannot let down by allocating a large block of time to an individual.  Indeed I had to book a month ahead for my own appointment.

There are varying media for healing including "distant healing" for which I could be accommodated but it is not the same as face to face.  My wife actually suggested the telephone and his P.A. said that he had not ever done it.  Surprisingly though he has said that he will.   Whether or not I will be able to take the call or not depends on when it comes as I will now be in hospital tomorrow.

Suffolk Cancelled

It is with some regret that I have cancelled my trip to Suffolk.

There has been a deterioration in my physical health over the last couple of days that will make the journey very difficult.

It is a bit of a hammer blow because I wanted the sessions to boost me, however, weighing up the journey, the different location, organisation of food and so on I find it difficult to imagine that it will do anything other than drain me.

Kitten's parents are here as they were to look after the children.  They will be here but staying with our good friends and neighbours "The Chelsea's"