It has been a little over 5 months since Swordfish passed away. Our home is a very empty place without his huge personality but it is also filled with the memories of a wonderful husband and father.
The children and I still take every day as it comes. We expect nothing and if all we achieve is a knowing look or a smile then we have gained.
I often drift back to the blog and read entries from various stages and tonight I was drawn to the last three before he died. I don't know how we had the strength to continue as we did as a family but somehow, we managed. And so on days like today, when I want to curl up and forget about everyone, I must take courage from my own words and remind myself that we can get through each day. No matter how hard or bewildering it may be.
Boogle Bunny turned 10 years old a few weeks ago and she has grown in strength and determination so much. There have been a few rocky times and very confused times but to her credit she has continued to develope into a wonderful, caring, funny and sensible young girl. I should really add occasionally stroppy but I won't!
Hufty was 7 back in May and through the last few months has shown very little change in his cheery personality and dispotition. He has always been sensitive in nature and this side has been slightly more noticable. He had a sad week recently but those times will come and they they will pass. Until the next time.
Their daddy would be immensly proud of both children.
We have moments when we cry together and moments alone. We laugh, perhaps not as much as we used to but there are many fabulous memories of Swordfish that we are able to share together.
Friends have as always been amazing and I am so very grateful to so many.
We mananged a holiday in May which was a much needed distraction and rest. We - just the 3 of us - went to our favourite island Ibiza. A few people questioned my choice, concerned that memories would be too painful. It was completely the opposite. I took great comfort from going somewhere special, that I knew very well and I was able to show the children many places and share stories of our time together both as a family and before, as a couple. Naturally, there were a couple of tearful moments but I think they would have occured anywhere.
I am yet to have any length of time on my own, away from the Boogle and the Hufty. I do feel like it's time that I did. I don't really know how I will feel. They are my reason to get up every day. But I must find some space for myself which I am not so good at doing. I am very scared that I will get everything wrong. What if I let my children down? It is a huge responsibility being a parent and being a parent alone, in grief, is particulrly tough.
I just want to make Swordfish proud.
I want to remember what it feels like to be happy for more than a brief moment.
Do not doubt yourself. Your strength of character and genuine love for your children will see you through any adversity life throws at you - and have no concern about Swordfish - he is and always will be proud of you and them
ReplyDeleteHello Kitten
ReplyDeleteYesterday I was also reading those last few entries & last week I finally plucked up courage to watch some of the videos. I didn't find it easy.
You are right that you need to have some time alone because no matter how painful it may be, sooner or later you will have to stop to think. It will come out, no matter how hard you try.
Anyway, I know that you have plenty of friends but you know where we are if you need someone to talk to.
Lots of love from Tricky Crow.
xxx
I am so moved by what you have written I am struggling to post this,but I am so pleased you have found the strength to update us all. I am sure I speak for many in saying that I do regularly wonder how you are doing. I understand exactly what you mean about finding time for yourself, it is very important to do so.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think I have to much time by myself, I work from home and also go on long business trips in the car by myself. During these times I think a lot about my Mum and Dad and how special they were and how much they influenced our whole family, and how much we all miss them. So its important to get the balance right.
I also read through the blog and there are many special things to read. Swordfish will always be very proud of you and your children, and you must be proud too. What a very special family you are.
Like Tricky Crow I struggle to watch videos of Mum and Dad, I can look at photos but seeing them moving and hearing them speak is a whole different level of emotion.
I can comprehend the feeling of loss and sadness that you feel, but having to keep everything as normal as possible for the children must be a huge strain on you.
How fantastic that you took them on such a lovely holiday, Swordfish would be bursting with pride about that I am sure.
I know I am a stranger but I feel such empathy with what you have all gone through, and I am sure that Swordfish would really want you to keep his blog alive. Very best wishes to you and your children and Tricky Crow.
Sincere Regards Sue x
Dear Kitten
ReplyDeleteI don't know what made me look at the blog tonight but something enticed me. It is lovely to see your posting after all these months. You and the children are always in my thoughts. Please do not ever feel lonely as your friends and family are always there for you. Swordfishs' Nan found herself in your position around about the same age as you, and she found love and support from her family and children and eventually found happiness again. I think you and the children are doing really well and Swordfish will be looking down at you and feeling very proud of you all.
Sending you love
Lindylu
xxxxxx
I was also wondering how you are all keeping. I re read the blog recently and kept looking to see if you had posted again.
ReplyDeleteYou are a remarkable lady. I hope that in time, the sadness will be replaced with happy memories
Hi Kitten,
ReplyDeleteSwordfish did indeed have a big heart and personality and that makes the void he has left in your lives that much bigger.
Never doubt yourself, you are doing a fantastic job with the children and you deserve and need to find time for yourself.
Swordfish will always be there for you all in spirit and I am sure he is immensely proud of you and the children. It is an old cliche but all you can do is take each day as it comes.
The sadness will slowly give way to memories which you and the children will cherish.
Take care
Kitten,
ReplyDeleteI have learned to respect Rumps (as we liked to call him on the iii BBs) through 2 years of discussions there. He has always filled me with an impression of strength, tenacity, wit and self derision that seemed healthy. Through his posts on this blog, as events unfolded, I realised he was also a loving father and husband and displayed amazing strength that conveyed his desire to protect, cherish, and love his family through out the ordeal.
Your post is very moving for a father and husband, as myself, to read, but I wanted to say that I have no doubts that Rump's strength was always supported by your own, and that you are being the best mother you could be in this moment.
Trust your judgement. Rumps will be proud.
Tas
Your strength is admirable. I have no doubt reading your blog that Rumps will be sitting in heaven feeling very proud of you all. You will get to a place where you will remember life with your husband with less tears and very fond memories. God bless you all. x
ReplyDeleteTrust your feelings Kitten. Swordfish has been proud of you for many, many years ... it's all there in his posts.
ReplyDeleteIt must have been hard for you posting on the blog again.
Stay strong.
Hi Kitten
ReplyDeleteI was drawn to visit the blog tonight as I often wonder how you are and hope that you and the children are coping.
It was lovely to see you post but you musn't ever doubt yourself Kitten I thought you were amazing then and continue to be so. Of course you are still sad. There's always that thought when things hurt that perhaps we shouldn't love too much, should we hold a little back for protection when things get tough? And then imagine how hollow your life would be if you only half lived it. Kitten you've loved with all your heart and that's brave, his love for you seeped out of so many of his posts and he must be so, so proud of you now.
Just take each day as it comes and when you start to doubt yourself just remember how many people are out here rooting for you.
Stay strong Kitten I know you can do it
Changeling x
In grief everything can seem very different to how things really are. I am sure your children are as resilient as most are, more so than us adults in a lot of cases. You will not let them down, just try to ensure that you do not neglect *yourself* in this situation because you are in some ways the most important piece in the puzzle. Only you will know in time what you need for yourself, give yourself a break and take the opportunities as and when they emerge.
ReplyDeleteEvery single tragedy in my life so far has in the long term shown to have had some positive effects in unexpected ways - I am sure this will be the case here as well - you will get through this with all the support that your family and friends can offer. For what its worth there are a large number of us out here thinking of you guys too.
Take care
Jegersmart
Everyone deals with loss differently but we all have to go through the pain and desolation at some point in our lives. I believe that if you have had such a love as you and Rumples shared then the bond is never broken, he is watching over you, so never feel alone.
ReplyDeleteThe children are necessary to focus you and you are necessary to be strong for them.
Give yourself time, you can't rush this.
Take care.
Dinamite.
love to you as always lou & stu xxxx
ReplyDeleteThinking of swordfish and family everyday. The butchers
ReplyDelete