A year has passed; at times it can seem like a lifetime or just a few moments.
The children and I continue on our daily challenges with thoughts of a loving Daddy or dearest husband never far from our minds. It seems we are on the rollercoaster of life which sometimes slows down but more often that not gathers great momentum when least expected.
Boogle Bunny is in her final year of primary school with the school selection process complete and we are just days away from finding out if she has gained a place in her first choice of secondary school; I never envisaged making such decisions as a lone parent - it is most certainly not easy and Swordfish had such a methodical and pragmatic way of thinking. I really miss his input and opinions.
Boogle has struggled a huge amount over the last year with many peaks and troughs. She is very emotional, determind, headstrong and outspoken - just like her daddy - but I have sought help from different places and both she and I have been given a massive amount of support, help and advise. It is exhausting to deal with a child's emotions and grief whilst managing ones own too.
Hufty continues in his usual manner. Nothing much changed initially but in the last few months he has shown more anger. His nature is very different to his sister's and although difficult at times, he has been easier to manage, direct and comfort. Being younger, perhaps he is more accepting of my words and advise.
No one writes a book on what to do or say, no one comes in and waves a wand over everything.
Dealing with this last year has been the hardest thing I have every had to do and I know I have made many mistakes but I hope I have learnt a lot about myself and about what is important in life. Now I just need to find the emotional strength and physical determination to see it through.
Thank you all for your continuing support. It has been very hard to write this update as the blog, well, it was Swordfish. Does that make sense?
Swordfish is always in my mind and will forever be in my heart.
I was only thinking this morning that it is almost a year since my Dad died, and wondering how you were getting on, so I was really pleased, when I looked to see that you have found the strength to update the blog. Its very hard to work out what to do for the best isn't it, and to find a way through the ups and downs. My children and grandchildren miss my Mum and Dad as much as I do, and my Granddaughters saw my Dad every day, although they are only 4 and 2 years old they still talk about him a lot, and we have his little dog living here with us, who is a constant reminder as he was such a big part of my parents lives.
ReplyDeleteAll of what you have written strikes a cord with me, and I can imagine how difficult it must be some days to find strength. I feel like my Mum and Dad are here with me and some funny things happen that make their memories (and presence) very real sometimes. I am sure Swordfish is watching over you all. I don't know you, but what you and Swordfish have gone through, mirrored exactly what my Dad, me and my sisters went through almost to the letter. It has been inspirational to read how you all dealt with this roller coaster ride. I admire you enormously. Thank you for updating us all. All my very best wishes to you and all of your family. Sue
Thanks for taking the time to update the blog, i'm sure it must be difficult for you. Its good to see that you seem to be coping, i hope that's the right word, i'm sorry if its not - i'm sure Swordfish would have been able to put it far more eloquently than i!
ReplyDeleteWhat comes across from reading through different parts of the blog is the impact that Swordfish must have had on so many people. I'm sure that there must be a lot of people who come here and read, but dont post, perhaps they dont know what to say or are afraid to say the wrong thing, its quite difficult to know what to say sometimes.
what always strikes me is the number of people (myself included) who say 'i dont know you' !! i think that is the mark of the man.
Sometimes your ahead, sometimes youre behind, the race is long, but in the end its only with yourself.
Obmil. x
Thank you for posting. As the previous message says, it's tricky to know what to write when the friendship exists entirely in the ether. However, I was really glad to read that you were all well and managing, if only that at times. I'm told that it becomes a little easier after the first anniversary. I have no idea if that is true as I have led a charmed life by comparison, but I hope very much that it does.
ReplyDeleteSince Swordfish died two close friends have been diagnosed with this sinister disease. His blog and the daily account of what was going on in his life as well as his mind has helped me to know what to do and say to them both. His legacy lives on in so many ways, something that you and your children can be so very proud of now and in the future.
I hope you can stay in touch but understand if you find it too hard.
Best wishes to you all
Diana
Thank you all for such lovely words. It is so comforting to know that the blog still reaches and touches people and I am sure I will update it again.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot of good wishes out there for us all.
Fondest love to all those virtual friends xx
Thanks for the update. I can't imagine what you and the children have to deal with each and every day. You are an amazingly strong woman and although you probably have made mistakes, I am also sure that it has made you physically and emotionally stronger. There is no "right" way to deal with such enormous grief. As you describe, even your own children are dealing with it in very different ways.
ReplyDeleteSwordfish will always live on in your heart and in your children.
You have many friends - both real and virtual. We are all here for you.
big hugs
C
x
Kitten
ReplyDeleteMiss your man on the boards. Pragmatic he was !
I can't imagine having to deal with this myself but of course there will come a day.
Mistakes along the way....NO.....just doing it your way at your pace. Think of rumps a lot.
All the best
JNT
Hi Kitten
ReplyDeleteThank you for updating the blog, I and many others still check back every so often - perhaps for reasons that are not easily understood in full, but oh so compelling and real in some way.
We all wish some things in our lives had turned out differently but I remember saying on this blog over a year ago, even the worst disasters usually have unforeseen positive effects - and I hope that some of these have already surfaced and will continue to do so.
All the very best to you three and the rest of the family.
Jegersmart (III)
Dear Kitten
ReplyDeleteIt's been a year but in my heart I have a little place for you and your family. I still think of you and hope that you can find peace and happiness in your life again.
If anyone can I think you can. For all that must seem so hard right now you are still striving to do more and he would be so so proud of you.
Your cyber friends can but extend their arms to comfort you whilst he is ever close by.
Changeling x
Hello Kitten,
ReplyDeleteAs others have said it is good to hear how you, Boogle and Hufty are getting on. You say "No one writes a book on what to do or say, no one comes in and waves a wand over everything", but from what I've read it sounds like you are coping admirably in what are extremely difficult circumstances. Grieving is very much a personal journey that is as unique as we are and and what is right for one person may not be so for another, so you hang in there because you are undoubtedly doing well.
I thought I'd check-in with the blog today because Swordfish and I had chatted about football in the past - including the Welsh-wizards we've had at Spurs - so I know where your personal allegiances lie, and as a fellow Spurs fan I was having a downright miserable day yesterday. It was while thinking about Swordfish and how he would might have been celebrating Saturday's momentous win for his team, that I remembered that certainly Hufty, and hopefully Boogle too, would have been absolutely ecstatic with Chelsea lifting the European Cup. After all they have been through I sincerely hope that the win might have provided at least some unbridled joy for the two of them - even if only transient. Of course you will be feeling frustrated like me, but I trust the pleasure of seeing your children delighted so will go some way to ameliorating it.
Swordfish was a good man whose memory lives on in so many ways and it's a testimony to him that on such a grey day personally, the only thing that lifted my mood was knowing that at least his son was happy.
Stay strong Kitten, and on those doubt-ridden occasions remember to go easy on yourself.
With the very best of wishes to you all,
per ardua ad astra
Ah thank you for your comments everyone.
DeleteYes Hufty, who turned 8 two days ago, was besides himself with happiness at Chelsea's win. I took him and Boogle to watch the victory parade on Sunday and what an amazing atmosphere!
We stood next to some very vocal supporters who had the whole crowd singing and our viewpoint was excellent when the bus stopped. Hufty was seen on television lobbing a lump of celery into the crowd - Definitely his father's son!
They both came home elated and I begrudgingly admit I was pleased for Chelsea, my son and my wonderful Swordfish.
I have felt Swordfish very close today and thought I'd pop by the blog before bed. I am so glad I did. xx
Hello everyone , it's June 2012 and there isn't a day which doesn't pass where the little man doesn't enter my head in one way or another .
ReplyDeleteI recently found a CD that he made over 6 years ago and I have it in my car all the time and man does it bang.
Been away with the boys under 8s football this weekend and watching Morgan do his stuff and Megan do hers is nice to see.
He would be proud of them all on how well they are coping.
On february the 23rd I went to Dublin with a few of the chaps for a piss up to celebrate Leightons life for 2 days and there was a couple of moments of weird stuff as at about 2.30 in the morning the whole bar I was in were singing to don't look back in anger by oasis and the whole place went in to slow motion and the music went quiet and for about 10 seconds and it felt like a true magical happy moment and in think he was sitting right next to me and I wasn't to pissed either.
Anyway I thought I would share this with you and next year we will go somewhere else.
See you again NO TOP LIP
NO TOP LIP....I worked with Swordfish and I said to him one day "who is Noto Plip?", "what do you mean noto plip?" then he fell in and put me right, he wiped a finger across his teeth and shouted NO TOP LIP!!! We both fell about laughing....sorry mate I was passing by this little corner of the internet & I just saw you great message and it brought back a little memory. A few of us also went out on 23rd for a few beers for our friend, not forgotten by a long way.
DeleteBest wishes to all and and of course to Kitten and family xxx Sam the Eagle
I hope that in dropping by other than when it might be expected, that you all get a sense of how often all of you are in our thoughts, not just at anniversaries. Just being there for the kids is all any parent can do, there is no such thing as a mistake when it's from the heart with the best of intention. There is no right way or wrong way, just be strong as you can as a family, and take each day as it comes - that was his way - and a lesson and inspiration to us all.
ReplyDeleteKind regards,
J.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteHi Kitten and all the Family and Friends
ReplyDeleteI often stop by and read some of the posts, I also like to read old posts by Swordfish, as I have said before I don't know any of you but what you has been posted on the blog is so compelling and inspirational. It has really helped me with my own grief, and I do think about you often and my heart goes out to you and the children and what you must feel on a regular basis. I know how I feel about the loss of my Mum and then quickly after, the loss of my Dad, in identical circumstances and timescale as Swordfish, and then the loss of my beautiful horse. It is so hard to cope with isn't it. Things happen all the time, which provoke strong emotions and memories. While you never want to forget, remembering can be so painful. Anniversaries and special dates, songs, people, quotes, places, sounds, smells, foods, occasions, landscapes, TV shows, photographs, almost everything around us has a memory of some sort. While we never want to forget, its hard to remember. There is no right or wrong way to cope with the enormity of grief, its consuming and exhausting, and can feel like a roller coaster ride. I want to believe that my parents live on in me and my sisters and our sons and grandchildren, and they do. The children's expressions and mannerisms remind me of them so much. My parents took us to see The Lion King, "The circle of Life" my Mum and Dad always loved music and this is particularly relevant to me now. I have taken my Grandchildren to see it and hope they will remember it. We all miss them so much, it hurts. I know you and your children will feel similar things.
He lives on in your children.
Sincere best wishes and positive thoughts, from Sue x
Happy Birthday man!!
ReplyDeleteObmil.
Hi Sushi
ReplyDeletePlease could I have a copy of the CD you were talking about? Music is something that Swordfish & I had in common.
Thanks
Tricky crow
Hi Kitten, Boogle and Hufty
ReplyDeleteHave been thinking about you all alot recently. I to, as others have commented, found the blog extremely inspirational and having had a dear friend diagnosed with cancer earlier this year I have read Swordfish's words to help me in knowing what to say and what support to give. His legacy lives on!
Best wishes for the festive period and for 2013.
J, R, W & M ex WPFC U7s
Just dropped by to wish you all the very best for 2013.
ReplyDeleteYou will never stop missing him and wishing he was with you as you pass milestones in your lives.
Perhaps he is - if you haven't felt it already, one day you will.
With best wishes
Changeling
how does two years go past so quickly, yet still seem like a whole other lifetime ago?
ReplyDeleteall the best man!!
Obmil.
Thank you for remembering my wonderful boy. As you say it does seem to have gone quickly in some ways, but on the other hand every day is like a lifetime without him. We have to carry on as a tribute to his extrovert fun-loving character, and also for his beautiful wife and children, even though life can never be the same.So it is heartening to know that others still think about him.
ReplyDeleteCymraes
Been out in Swordfish's honour tonight. Well it is St David's day. Yes he is remembered well....best wishes to all...
ReplyDeleteSTE x
Hi Kitten & Brood!
ReplyDeleteI lost a good friend of mine over the Easter weekend, a motorcycle accident in Dorset. It was a pretty tough time and seeing what his missus and family were going through was almost as hard as the loss itself.
But, like you, she turned out to be a source of strength for us all. Rumps began as an inspiration to me as a novice investor on the iii chat boards, but became an inspiration for his courage and fortitude in the face of the most awful adversity.
Strange how I can be so affected by someone I've never met, but I still think about him now.
I hope you and yours are well,
PC Fox
To everyone
ReplyDeleteSo glad to know people still think of Swordfish/Rumps and us. We continue with lifes ups and downs, somedays better than others.
It has been a tough journey and we learn how to deal with thing daily; it is the only way.
I still wake up hoping it has all been a bad dream, Boogle still cries and Hufty continues his night time waking. Yet everyday we start afresh. Boogle has talked me into doing race for life again this year so wish us luck for June. Should you wish to support us you can do so at www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/team-m
My love and thoughts go out to everyone who is suffering, to those who have lost and to everyone who has passed by the blog over the last few years. I constantly read and read again Swordfish's words and no matter how sad I get, I also get great comfort.
Kitten x
Don't forget, Kitten, you can always talk to us & we are there if you need us...
ReplyDeleteTricky Crow
Hi Just wanted to say hello to you all, and hope you are getting through each day as positively as you can. I know that some days its just not possible.
ReplyDeleteI hope the race for life went well?
Please have a look at my sons page on the Just Giving site, they are cycling from London to Paris for Macmillan on the 4th July in memory of my parents.
The link is www.justgiving.com/2builders4days470km/
Its such a great cause. Sue x
Just popped in, hope you are well and keeping looking forward as well as back.
ReplyDeleteFrom a BB reader who thinks of you and your family every now and again.
Be well
Hey Man, Happy Birthday!! thinking of you today, and what lovely sunshine were having today too.
ReplyDeleteTime passes, Pain eases, Sad moments pushed aside by happy memories.
Peace.
Obmil. x
Happy birthday, brother. Thinking of all of you.
ReplyDeleteLove from Tricky Crow.
Hello Kitten and all the family
ReplyDeleteFeels like another summer is leaving as the tree's turn. For some reason the fall always makes me think of the people that have left too.
It's odd to feel touched by someone else's life and someone else's loss but his words still linger in my mind . Thus I keep a corner of my heart for you all, people I have never met, will never meet but hope for the very best for them all the same.
Stay strong and if you feel weak or sad read his words and remember just how much you were loved then and still.
With warmest wishes
Changeling x
Hey man, been a long time, 3 years man, where does time go?
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the future;
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.
The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Peace,
Obmil x.
Thank you Obmil for remembering. It reallly means alot.
ReplyDeleteCymraes
Still thinking of you mate! - never forgotten.
ReplyDeleteBarcap
Thanks, Barcap. My brother wasn't someone that people forgot!
DeleteBest wishes
Tricky Crow
Happy Birthday, brother.
ReplyDeleteLove from Tricky Crow
Swordfish/Rumps popped into my mind tonight.
ReplyDeleteI hope the family are doing OK and send my best wishes for 2015.
Rigel
Thank you so much for remembering him Rigel. Life will never be the same without him, but we know he would want us to have the best life we can, and we are all doing our best. He was such a special person and as his mother I will be forever grateful to have had him as my loving Son. Cymraes
ReplyDeleteRumps often pops into my mind ...we had some great discussions and he was very special person. Never forgotten.
ReplyDeleteBarcap
Thinking of you, brother.
ReplyDeleteTricky Crow
xxx
What brought me here today?? Something did! Peace man.
ReplyDeleteObmil.
Thank you for remembering my lovely son. Perhaps you have been thinking of him as it would have been his 50 th birthday today. We miss him every day and hope that he his happy wherever he is. Cymraes
ReplyDeleteAlways think of you near Christmas time Swordfish, and cannot believe its nearly five years now. We had some great conversations, and my warmest wishes to the family.
ReplyDeleteAlways remembered, never forgotten
Triple Witcher
Cannot believe its five years tomorrow Swordfish. Will be thinking of you and your family. Triple Witcher
ReplyDeleteNever forgotten, thinking of the great man & Kitten, Hufty & Boogle.
ReplyDeleteLove from Super (Fat) Frank & Sam The Eagle
Thank you for remembering. Cymraes
ReplyDeleteThinking of you on what would have been your birthday.
ReplyDeleteLove from Tricky Crow.
Thinking of you, brother.
ReplyDeleteLove from Tricky Crow.
Working on something today you & I helped put together, those were good times mate.
ReplyDeleteWonderfull to see the blog is still active. Thank you so much for remembering.
ReplyDeleteLeighton popped into my head today as he does from time to time. Trust the family are doing well? Coping with a recent family bereavement myself.
ReplyDeleteThank you for thinking of our lovely boy, but sorry to hear of your loss. Take care
ReplyDeleteThe family are doing well but still struggling with the void left behind by such a strong character. Cymraes.
May the best team win today eh mate, I'm sure you'll be watching on.
ReplyDeleteThey certainly did. He would have been very proud.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you on your birthday. xxx Tricky Crow.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a long time man, too long, Laura's final call made me think of you. Obmil x
ReplyDeleteWonderful to know that you are stil thinking about my lovely son. Thank you.
ReplyDelete