the next stage

Over the last few days there have been many ups and downs.

Swordfish has had moments of appearing bright and relaxed and moments of feeling very troubled. There have been tender moments and typical Swordfish moments of calling out the best travel route back to the office to his collegues who dropped by.

However, the overall picture is one of rapid deterioration. Last week he spoke of feeling comfortable both physically and emotionally, content in his environment. Today was very different. He managed to convey with difficulty how frustrated he is with the confusion he has, how uncomfortable he feels emotionally and he spoke of intense physical pain throughout his body.

Pain is something he has never suffered with to the degree he mentioned today. Even up to yesterday he managed to tell me there was little pain.

This pain may be physical but it appears far deeper than that; an emotional pain that no one should feel nor witness.

Following his fall he has had problems getting in and out of bed and this morning he said he didn't think he could do that anymore.

A lengthy discussion with the wonderful doctors led to a joint decision by them, myself and his parents that sedation would be the gentle way to control his symptoms and relieve his discomfort and anxiety. He sleeps most of his time, waking sometimes with a smile that will warm anyones heart. But there is so much we don't see.

I want him to feel relaxed, at ease if that is at all possible.

And so he gently sleeps, aware we are with him, holding hands and talking softly.

I will update again xx