How Am I Feeling?

I promised to be honest so this post is for the many people who I care about and who care about me who have all asked the same questions "How am I feeling" or "How am I coping".

Peoples' reactions to illness (whether subject or onlooker) are all different and are formed by their experience, their nature and other issues that are currently affecting them.  I feel that my previous experiences have had a direct impact on my reaction to the situation.

I have had a tumour once before (and I still have it).  Whilst the tumour is benign, I did not know that for several months until it was operated on.  So I have lived with the fear of something worse and, just as importantly, I have had first hand experience of seeing how it affects those close to me.

This experience changed my outlook on life.  It made me realise that not everyone lives until 70+ and that life isn't always plain sailing.

I feel that this previous journey has helped me adapt to my current situation much more quickly.  Of course I fear that other secondary sites will be found during the MRI liver scan or laparoscopy, because then I will have a much more difficult time ahead.  But that does not affect my willingness to face this problem head on.

I don't see this illness as some kind of alien force that has invaded my body; rather I see it as a flaw in my own make up that I have to rectify in order to survive.  What is uncomfortable is that I am also reliant on other people and events to help me out of the situation.

The news did not come as a complete shock when it was delivered because I received a patient's copy of the endoscopy form which bordered on the tactless.   It contained information such as "urgent CT staging scan required".  I'm not a medical guru but a quick "Google" will tell you that a staging scan is used to determine the spread of cancer, rather than whether or not it is present.  My assumption was that the endoscopist looks down into the oesophagus of many patients and probably has a good feel for what is going on without waiting for the results of a biopsies.  Regardless, of whether my interpretation of this and other information on the form was correct, my instinct was.

The next couple of days were dark and emotional as I discussed the possibility with my wife and the biggest emotional issue to deal with is having two children.

Over the period leading to my consultation on 9th February there was a lot of input from those close to us that we kept informed about how the lesion could be any number of things and our mood lightened, but our worst fears were confirmed.

My wife was with me when I was informed of the diagnosis and, whilst it is a difficult thing to come to terms with, I found it harder to pick up the phone and tell my parents.  We sat and mulled over the situation and my wife's protestation that she had a bad headache were met with a "well go and get a f*cking tablet because I've got cancer".  The joke punctured the gloom and I started to get my head around making the call which had to be done because they were waiting for news and there are miles between us.

That first phone call was probably the most difficult I have made.

I think I showed sense by asking work for a couple of days off to visit the family in Wales and those couple of days were a period of reconciliation.

I was glad that I had only discussed the possibility with a small circle of friends, family and colleagues as it meant that I only had to tell a small circle.  Everybody reacts to the news differently, but I found it useful to talk and to listen to what everyone had to say.

It is important to realise that whilst you are in the eye of the storm the news is often more difficult to absorb for those close to you, especially parents and partners.

On my return to work a colleague asked how I was feeling and said that I felt that I had parachuted into a different "room" and was still packing away the parachute (i.e. emotions). My point was that when you land you have to get your feet on the ground and get grip as quickly as possible so that your emotions do not blow you from pillar to post.

Those first few days were difficult but the important thing is to get focused on what is going to happen rather than what has happened, otherwise you are ill-prepared to face the future.  In my mind there is no one to blame and I don't feel anger.   I also feel that you are lost if you feel sorry for yourself.  However, everyone's situation is unique and I realise that this kind of news can be very destructive for many people.

For me it is important to be pragmatic rather than foolishly optimistic, so I have been sorting out issues like finance that will be important to my family should the worst happen.  However, I'm not going to dwell there and would rather look to the fantastic support I am receiving form family, friends and medics.

This will be a challenging period for me and those close to me.  I thank everyone for their support but also wish to reassure them that I am in good spirit and ready to rise to a difficult challenge.