It is with deepest sorrow that I write to say that my darling Swordfish passed away this morning.
It was peaceful and I was with him all night.
I will write on the blog again in a few days time.
I don't know what else to say right now.
xxx Kitten
Wednesday 23 February 2011
Monday 21 February 2011
the next stage
Over the last few days there have been many ups and downs.
Swordfish has had moments of appearing bright and relaxed and moments of feeling very troubled. There have been tender moments and typical Swordfish moments of calling out the best travel route back to the office to his collegues who dropped by.
However, the overall picture is one of rapid deterioration. Last week he spoke of feeling comfortable both physically and emotionally, content in his environment. Today was very different. He managed to convey with difficulty how frustrated he is with the confusion he has, how uncomfortable he feels emotionally and he spoke of intense physical pain throughout his body.
Pain is something he has never suffered with to the degree he mentioned today. Even up to yesterday he managed to tell me there was little pain.
This pain may be physical but it appears far deeper than that; an emotional pain that no one should feel nor witness.
Following his fall he has had problems getting in and out of bed and this morning he said he didn't think he could do that anymore.
A lengthy discussion with the wonderful doctors led to a joint decision by them, myself and his parents that sedation would be the gentle way to control his symptoms and relieve his discomfort and anxiety. He sleeps most of his time, waking sometimes with a smile that will warm anyones heart. But there is so much we don't see.
I want him to feel relaxed, at ease if that is at all possible.
And so he gently sleeps, aware we are with him, holding hands and talking softly.
I will update again xx
Swordfish has had moments of appearing bright and relaxed and moments of feeling very troubled. There have been tender moments and typical Swordfish moments of calling out the best travel route back to the office to his collegues who dropped by.
However, the overall picture is one of rapid deterioration. Last week he spoke of feeling comfortable both physically and emotionally, content in his environment. Today was very different. He managed to convey with difficulty how frustrated he is with the confusion he has, how uncomfortable he feels emotionally and he spoke of intense physical pain throughout his body.
Pain is something he has never suffered with to the degree he mentioned today. Even up to yesterday he managed to tell me there was little pain.
This pain may be physical but it appears far deeper than that; an emotional pain that no one should feel nor witness.
Following his fall he has had problems getting in and out of bed and this morning he said he didn't think he could do that anymore.
A lengthy discussion with the wonderful doctors led to a joint decision by them, myself and his parents that sedation would be the gentle way to control his symptoms and relieve his discomfort and anxiety. He sleeps most of his time, waking sometimes with a smile that will warm anyones heart. But there is so much we don't see.
I want him to feel relaxed, at ease if that is at all possible.
And so he gently sleeps, aware we are with him, holding hands and talking softly.
I will update again xx
Tuesday 15 February 2011
a short message
Swordfish has asked me to write a short blog entry. These are his words.
I am sorry for the lack of entries to the blog recently.
I am very weak now and my capacity to concentrate is very limited. This is down to both the drugs and the progression of the disease.
Kitten and I will endeavour to write a blog together in the next couple of days.
I am sorry for the lack of entries to the blog recently.
I am very weak now and my capacity to concentrate is very limited. This is down to both the drugs and the progression of the disease.
Kitten and I will endeavour to write a blog together in the next couple of days.
Saturday 12 February 2011
update from kitten
Swordfish has been at the hospice since Tuesday.
The care he is receiving is superb. The staff are understanding, compassionate and flexible without being overbearing or authoritative.
They listen so well and have as much time for you as you need. They support all of us equally and I am humbled.
The main objective was to help Swordfish become more comfortable with the medication he is taking. Each medicine has an effect and a side effect; so, often a further medicine is required!
The syringe driven meds seem to be helping with the sickness but he is so much weaker than last week.
Some of the meds are making him very drowsy during they day. His parents and I have sat with him for many hours over the past few days and he has slept gently for much of this time. Having said that, some of the time he has been more than capable of managing his conversations with the doctors and deciding on treatments.
As the liver is diseased and where it is situated below the diaphragm, Swordfish has been subjected to long bouts of hard hiccups. Two nights ago the lasted over 4 hours. They are very painful and constant. And probably very tiring too.
Unfortunately, just to add to the discomfort, Swordfish took a fall in the early hours one morning. He simply lost his footing and fell onto his right side. The ribs and probably the liver have taken a fair knock and so now, of course, there is medication for the pain. Anyone who has ever had a bump to the ribs will appreciate the discomfort.
His food intake is very little although at times he says he has an appetite but what ever he eats doesn't satisfy. The staff made a strawberry milkshake with Nesquick and ice cream this evening which went down very nicely though.
I left him dozing in the knowledge that he is in good hands, well loved and Wales beat Scotland in the rugby. We had the match on in his room and he did manage a glimpse or two as the Welsh scored.
I will continue to keep you all informed and I apologise if I ramble.
The care he is receiving is superb. The staff are understanding, compassionate and flexible without being overbearing or authoritative.
They listen so well and have as much time for you as you need. They support all of us equally and I am humbled.
The main objective was to help Swordfish become more comfortable with the medication he is taking. Each medicine has an effect and a side effect; so, often a further medicine is required!
The syringe driven meds seem to be helping with the sickness but he is so much weaker than last week.
Some of the meds are making him very drowsy during they day. His parents and I have sat with him for many hours over the past few days and he has slept gently for much of this time. Having said that, some of the time he has been more than capable of managing his conversations with the doctors and deciding on treatments.
As the liver is diseased and where it is situated below the diaphragm, Swordfish has been subjected to long bouts of hard hiccups. Two nights ago the lasted over 4 hours. They are very painful and constant. And probably very tiring too.
Unfortunately, just to add to the discomfort, Swordfish took a fall in the early hours one morning. He simply lost his footing and fell onto his right side. The ribs and probably the liver have taken a fair knock and so now, of course, there is medication for the pain. Anyone who has ever had a bump to the ribs will appreciate the discomfort.
His food intake is very little although at times he says he has an appetite but what ever he eats doesn't satisfy. The staff made a strawberry milkshake with Nesquick and ice cream this evening which went down very nicely though.
I left him dozing in the knowledge that he is in good hands, well loved and Wales beat Scotland in the rugby. We had the match on in his room and he did manage a glimpse or two as the Welsh scored.
I will continue to keep you all informed and I apologise if I ramble.
Wednesday 9 February 2011
In the Hospice
I've been in the hospice for a day and am getting used to it.
I've been having plenty of visitors, especially as my parents arrived from Wales yesterday. Tricky Crow, Dumbledore, Gandalf and Bee were also weekend visitors as well as the omnipresent Notoplip.
The main purpose of being here is to make me more comfortable with the combination of medicines that are being administered and for that purpose they will be keeping me in for anything up to a week. This is mainly to work on sickness medicine and night time medicine.
It will be interesting to see the results.
The staff are fantastic and I have also been joined today by my GP.
I've been having plenty of visitors, especially as my parents arrived from Wales yesterday. Tricky Crow, Dumbledore, Gandalf and Bee were also weekend visitors as well as the omnipresent Notoplip.
The main purpose of being here is to make me more comfortable with the combination of medicines that are being administered and for that purpose they will be keeping me in for anything up to a week. This is mainly to work on sickness medicine and night time medicine.
It will be interesting to see the results.
The staff are fantastic and I have also been joined today by my GP.
Tuesday 8 February 2011
Latest News
Swordfish was admitted into the hospice late this morning. He has a large room and bathroom and windows that overlook the gardens. There is even a small patio outside his door if he wanted to sit and take in the beautiful springlike weather.
Oddly there is also a small bbq!?!
The objective is to get Swordfish into a more comfortable state and one thing suggested a while ago was a syringe driver. A canula is placed sub - cutaneous and will supply a regular amount of medicines directly into his system. This is already in place and hopefully he will benefit soon.
It's very strange not having him here. I miss him terribly but I know he is in the right place at the moment. It's open visiting and the staff are very welcoming and so very helpful.
Oddly there is also a small bbq!?!
The objective is to get Swordfish into a more comfortable state and one thing suggested a while ago was a syringe driver. A canula is placed sub - cutaneous and will supply a regular amount of medicines directly into his system. This is already in place and hopefully he will benefit soon.
It's very strange not having him here. I miss him terribly but I know he is in the right place at the moment. It's open visiting and the staff are very welcoming and so very helpful.
Monday 7 February 2011
Into the Hospice
I will be admitted to the hospice either tomorrow, or in the next few days, to work on making me as comfortable as possible through drug control.
I am taking an array of drugs but am still having too much sickness and other discomfort.
Being on-site they will be able to monitor me closely and will be especially focused on the anti-sickness.
I am likely to be away for a few days, which will be the first time of any length.
I am taking an array of drugs but am still having too much sickness and other discomfort.
Being on-site they will be able to monitor me closely and will be especially focused on the anti-sickness.
I am likely to be away for a few days, which will be the first time of any length.
Saturday 5 February 2011
An Air of Calm
The transfusions seem to have given me a little boost.
I have spent the day in bed but my head feels clear and I feel calm. My appetite is virtually at zero and this is disease related. Through this though there is an air of acceptance and I feel fairly peaceful.
There is a lot of opinion in the comments of posts about healers, but this subject is not so important in the sense that a healer cannot change my physical condition at this stage. The point about the healer was to help bring me peace. The particular man that I had arranged to see is highly sought after and will be calling me next week, something that is unprecedented for him.
What is important is that I am beginning to look forward and am becoming less anxious. I have been through a period where I have gone quite quickly from being still seemingly healthy to very poorly and the rate of change has been difficult to deal with. It is important for me to get on top of that and just accept things as they are.
I have spent the day in bed but my head feels clear and I feel calm. My appetite is virtually at zero and this is disease related. Through this though there is an air of acceptance and I feel fairly peaceful.
There is a lot of opinion in the comments of posts about healers, but this subject is not so important in the sense that a healer cannot change my physical condition at this stage. The point about the healer was to help bring me peace. The particular man that I had arranged to see is highly sought after and will be calling me next week, something that is unprecedented for him.
What is important is that I am beginning to look forward and am becoming less anxious. I have been through a period where I have gone quite quickly from being still seemingly healthy to very poorly and the rate of change has been difficult to deal with. It is important for me to get on top of that and just accept things as they are.
Friday 4 February 2011
Transfusion Helps a Little
I do feel a little boosted after the transfusion though it is early days yet.
As Kitten says it was a bit of a nightmare waiting at the hospital yesterday but we got through it.
Hopefully I willl feel boosted enough to have the energy to watch the rugby tonight.
Kitten's parents have gone home today (having been here since Tuesday). They were here to cover for our proposed journey to the healer in Suffolk, which was regrettably cancelled. Many thanks to them for their help.
As Kitten says it was a bit of a nightmare waiting at the hospital yesterday but we got through it.
Hopefully I willl feel boosted enough to have the energy to watch the rugby tonight.
Kitten's parents have gone home today (having been here since Tuesday). They were here to cover for our proposed journey to the healer in Suffolk, which was regrettably cancelled. Many thanks to them for their help.
Blood Transfusion
Yesterday's blood transfusion went ahead as planned, although it was a lengthy process.
I took Swordfish to the Marsden by 9am but the transfusion didn't begin until almost 2pm. The staff seemed very busy and the nurse appointed to Swordfish appeared a lot less enthusiastic about her work than any of the other members of staff I have met.
Still, we held it together and a weary man returned home by 8.45pm.
Today he is very tired and so Nurse Kitten (self appointed title!) has suggested plenty of rest and day time snoozing whilst the children are at school.
Thanks to all for continued good wishes. Every word and thought is well received and very much appreciated.
Love kitten x
I took Swordfish to the Marsden by 9am but the transfusion didn't begin until almost 2pm. The staff seemed very busy and the nurse appointed to Swordfish appeared a lot less enthusiastic about her work than any of the other members of staff I have met.
Still, we held it together and a weary man returned home by 8.45pm.
Today he is very tired and so Nurse Kitten (self appointed title!) has suggested plenty of rest and day time snoozing whilst the children are at school.
Thanks to all for continued good wishes. Every word and thought is well received and very much appreciated.
Love kitten x
Wednesday 2 February 2011
Shifting Sands and Healers
The news today is that I have had blood test results that show that I am anaemic again and I will be going into the hospital to be have a transfusion tomorrow.
Also, my white blood cell count is up, showing that there is likely to be an infection brewing so I have been put onto antibiotics.
I note that there has been some discussions about methods of healing and healers ability to travel. The travel issue is really down to well established healers having books of business. They have other clients who they cannot let down by allocating a large block of time to an individual. Indeed I had to book a month ahead for my own appointment.
There are varying media for healing including "distant healing" for which I could be accommodated but it is not the same as face to face. My wife actually suggested the telephone and his P.A. said that he had not ever done it. Surprisingly though he has said that he will. Whether or not I will be able to take the call or not depends on when it comes as I will now be in hospital tomorrow.
Also, my white blood cell count is up, showing that there is likely to be an infection brewing so I have been put onto antibiotics.
I note that there has been some discussions about methods of healing and healers ability to travel. The travel issue is really down to well established healers having books of business. They have other clients who they cannot let down by allocating a large block of time to an individual. Indeed I had to book a month ahead for my own appointment.
There are varying media for healing including "distant healing" for which I could be accommodated but it is not the same as face to face. My wife actually suggested the telephone and his P.A. said that he had not ever done it. Surprisingly though he has said that he will. Whether or not I will be able to take the call or not depends on when it comes as I will now be in hospital tomorrow.
Tuesday 1 February 2011
Suffolk Cancelled
It is with some regret that I have cancelled my trip to Suffolk.
There has been a deterioration in my physical health over the last couple of days that will make the journey very difficult.
It is a bit of a hammer blow because I wanted the sessions to boost me, however, weighing up the journey, the different location, organisation of food and so on I find it difficult to imagine that it will do anything other than drain me.
Kitten's parents are here as they were to look after the children. They will be here but staying with our good friends and neighbours "The Chelsea's"
There has been a deterioration in my physical health over the last couple of days that will make the journey very difficult.
It is a bit of a hammer blow because I wanted the sessions to boost me, however, weighing up the journey, the different location, organisation of food and so on I find it difficult to imagine that it will do anything other than drain me.
Kitten's parents are here as they were to look after the children. They will be here but staying with our good friends and neighbours "The Chelsea's"
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