It was tough yesterday both from the perspective of making the journey down to Wales and the rest of the day. I struggled to hold onto any food and was really out of sorts.
It was worth it though.
I knew that this was the last opportunity that we would have to make it down here for a while.
We saw Roxy and her new baby yesterday and today with Roxy's parents (Lindylu and Yorkshire boy). This morning was a busy morning with visits from Magic Coat, the serious barman, young aunty and the rest of their merry entourage as well as Mr and Mrs Butcher and Swelly Belly, her new arrival and Swelly Belly's parents (Gandalf and Bee).
Thanks to everyone for visiting.
The weekend has been good for my spirits, if somewhat draining. We now have the journey back to look forward to.
Kitten has had to do everything including the driving, which is normally my responsibility. An exhausting experience for her but she has appreciated a change of scene and loves the opportunity to hold a newborn.
Sunday 31 October 2010
Saturday 30 October 2010
Off to Wales
I must admit that I have felt better. The aftermath of the cold means that I am even struggling to get rice pudding down as the cold has irritated the oesophagus. The irritation simply makes it even more difficult for food to pass down and I have even had a problem with Ribena.
The eating problems have triggered more weight loss - I have lost about four pounds this week.
That all said and done, it will be difficult to find an opportunity to get away over the next few weeks so we are off, even though it is just for a day.
Hopefully, I will get through the weekend in one piece.
The eating problems have triggered more weight loss - I have lost about four pounds this week.
That all said and done, it will be difficult to find an opportunity to get away over the next few weeks so we are off, even though it is just for a day.
Hopefully, I will get through the weekend in one piece.
Friday 29 October 2010
Trip to Wales Jeopardized
Our plan was to drive to Wales this morning for the weekend.
Whilst I have been over the worst of my cold the aftermath has not been pleasant. I have been suffering a lot of discomfort in my abdomen, which has made eating more difficult. The worst part of the aftermath though has been the congestion that comes after a heavy cold.
Let's just say that I have been having problems before eating and having more significant problems after eating.
Boogle has recovered from her cold and Huffty had a sickness bug yesterday, which he has not recovered from but the whole picture isn't very good.
Yesterday we were considering just Boogle and I travelling, but that was before I was up for three and a half hours suffering from hunger and then the aforementioned problems of having fed myself. We would have gone down at 10am so that was out of the question and there was the wider question of whether I would settle in any reasonable way whilst out of the house.
At the moment we are reviewing the situation with the possibility of travelling tomorrow morning. We won't do so though unless we consider ourselves germ free and with a view to excluding any contact between Huffty and newborns. Although he is fine now there needs to be a good gap after any sickness related illness.
On balance (and within a constantly changing picture) it seems unlikely that we will travel, which will be a big disappointment
Whilst I have been over the worst of my cold the aftermath has not been pleasant. I have been suffering a lot of discomfort in my abdomen, which has made eating more difficult. The worst part of the aftermath though has been the congestion that comes after a heavy cold.
Let's just say that I have been having problems before eating and having more significant problems after eating.
Boogle has recovered from her cold and Huffty had a sickness bug yesterday, which he has not recovered from but the whole picture isn't very good.
Yesterday we were considering just Boogle and I travelling, but that was before I was up for three and a half hours suffering from hunger and then the aforementioned problems of having fed myself. We would have gone down at 10am so that was out of the question and there was the wider question of whether I would settle in any reasonable way whilst out of the house.
At the moment we are reviewing the situation with the possibility of travelling tomorrow morning. We won't do so though unless we consider ourselves germ free and with a view to excluding any contact between Huffty and newborns. Although he is fine now there needs to be a good gap after any sickness related illness.
On balance (and within a constantly changing picture) it seems unlikely that we will travel, which will be a big disappointment
Thursday 28 October 2010
Keeping up Appearances
One of the things that is unusual about my situtation is that I still look perfectly healthy.
It is true have shed a few pounds (about half a stone from when I was diagnosed). This weight is muscle based, so it is from my legs, chest and shoulders but the impact is not huge.
It is interesting when watching peoples' reactions upon meeting them when I haven't seen them for a while. They invariably look surprised that I look so well.
For much of the time I have had a very tightly cropped haircut, but that was only to avoid the hair looking patchy rather than because it was falling out en masse. However, that isn't the case anymore as I have a full head of hair again.
The only area of my body, which has been blasted of hair is in the direct area where the radiotherapy was targeted i.e. the middle of my chest and the abdomen area just below it. It does look quite odd, but I figure that will be remedied before I get back on the beach!
I am of course much less fit than before and the effect of the radiotherapy is still very much present as it works for 12 weeks after administration. That takes us well into December and effects such as lethargy can continue for a good 6 months after treatment has finished.
The only time that it is completely obvious that I am poorly is at meal times (he says whilst eating another tin of cream of chicken soup)
It is true have shed a few pounds (about half a stone from when I was diagnosed). This weight is muscle based, so it is from my legs, chest and shoulders but the impact is not huge.
It is interesting when watching peoples' reactions upon meeting them when I haven't seen them for a while. They invariably look surprised that I look so well.
For much of the time I have had a very tightly cropped haircut, but that was only to avoid the hair looking patchy rather than because it was falling out en masse. However, that isn't the case anymore as I have a full head of hair again.
The only area of my body, which has been blasted of hair is in the direct area where the radiotherapy was targeted i.e. the middle of my chest and the abdomen area just below it. It does look quite odd, but I figure that will be remedied before I get back on the beach!
I am of course much less fit than before and the effect of the radiotherapy is still very much present as it works for 12 weeks after administration. That takes us well into December and effects such as lethargy can continue for a good 6 months after treatment has finished.
The only time that it is completely obvious that I am poorly is at meal times (he says whilst eating another tin of cream of chicken soup)
Wednesday 27 October 2010
Magic Coat and Shaking off the Cold
I spoke with Magic Coat again yesterday and he is home from hospital. He has some problems with discs bulging from the car accident and may need surgery if the pins and needles in has arms persist. Thankfully, he is OK for now and needs a couple of weeks to recover.
I've spent much of today in retreat again trying to rest and sleep my cold off. I'm a lot better than yesterday but I am not the only family member to have it. Boogle also has a nasty case.
The kids are on half-term and Kitten has been at home with them today, so I am being well looked after too.
I am hoping to get back into action tomorrow on the assumption that the cold will have lifted.
Having had a good "sneezathon" the Swordfish that appears from the mist will be the one that is due to lie down in the scanner in a couple of weeks time. So, the next period will be as good as it gets on the way to reassessment.
I've spent much of today in retreat again trying to rest and sleep my cold off. I'm a lot better than yesterday but I am not the only family member to have it. Boogle also has a nasty case.
The kids are on half-term and Kitten has been at home with them today, so I am being well looked after too.
I am hoping to get back into action tomorrow on the assumption that the cold will have lifted.
Having had a good "sneezathon" the Swordfish that appears from the mist will be the one that is due to lie down in the scanner in a couple of weeks time. So, the next period will be as good as it gets on the way to reassessment.
Tuesday 26 October 2010
There's a First Time For Everything
I mentioned that Kitten recently observed that I had not yet spent a day ill in our specially configured and redecorated (courtesy of the lads) bedroom. Well, I have finally "put that one to bed".
Ironically it was not the might of mitosis (cancer) that put me there, rather is was a common cold.
I can't say that it is much fun being ill and having a cold on top of it, but this is the first fully blown cold that I have had this year. In that context, dozing in bed and dosing up with flu remedy is not such a bad thing.
I get the feeling that this could has been trying to come out for a while because, although I feel lousy, my abdomen feels much better and it is that which has been given me so many problems of late. There is also no doubt that the extra sleep won't do me any harm.
The main objective now is to get myself clear of the cold for the weekend, so that I won't have to miss out on meeting the newborns. As it is only Tuesday that shouldn't be a problem.
Ironically it was not the might of mitosis (cancer) that put me there, rather is was a common cold.
I can't say that it is much fun being ill and having a cold on top of it, but this is the first fully blown cold that I have had this year. In that context, dozing in bed and dosing up with flu remedy is not such a bad thing.
I get the feeling that this could has been trying to come out for a while because, although I feel lousy, my abdomen feels much better and it is that which has been given me so many problems of late. There is also no doubt that the extra sleep won't do me any harm.
The main objective now is to get myself clear of the cold for the weekend, so that I won't have to miss out on meeting the newborns. As it is only Tuesday that shouldn't be a problem.
Monday 25 October 2010
A Deeper Level
I've mentioned that I went to the osteopath again today.
Most of the treatment that I am having at the moment is based on the cranial osteopathy model rather than having a skeletal problem (e.g. a back problem).
Part of the cranial osteopathy philosophy and, indeed, part of the traditional osteopathy philosophy is promoting well-being within the body rather than just focusing on the aspects that require remedial work.
Cancer involves the multiplication of bad cells in a process called "mitosis" and chemotherapy and radiotherapy seek to destroy the bad cells and call an end to the process. In attempting to achieve these aims both processes destroy not just bad cells and tissue but also good ones.
The cranial osteopathy treatment that I am receiving, as well as my own personal efforts are focused in a different way and, I suppose, may be considered to be a complementary opposite.
Aspects of cranial osteopathy seek to engage with the person's underlying "blueprint" and promote it. That may be viewed in a contra light as it can be considered as promoting a healthy environment rather than trying to reverse the bad.
Of course it is the heavy guns of radiotherapy and chemotherapy which are the centre-piece of any potential cure but the contra approach is a healthy one.
Whilst the cranial osteopathy provides a physical aspect of the contra approach the aspect of my meditations with my mantra aim to do the same thing on a mental and emotional level.
The mantra is about going back to my source and generating the flower image from that just as the aum is perceived to emanate from the source as I explained in a previous post http://thebookofsilence.blogspot.com/2010/10/using-mantra.html
I had not perceived the synergistic approach of the cranial osteopathy and what I am doing myself, but it feels good to be "singing from the same song sheet" and is helpful in continuing to feel positive.
Most of the treatment that I am having at the moment is based on the cranial osteopathy model rather than having a skeletal problem (e.g. a back problem).
Part of the cranial osteopathy philosophy and, indeed, part of the traditional osteopathy philosophy is promoting well-being within the body rather than just focusing on the aspects that require remedial work.
Cancer involves the multiplication of bad cells in a process called "mitosis" and chemotherapy and radiotherapy seek to destroy the bad cells and call an end to the process. In attempting to achieve these aims both processes destroy not just bad cells and tissue but also good ones.
The cranial osteopathy treatment that I am receiving, as well as my own personal efforts are focused in a different way and, I suppose, may be considered to be a complementary opposite.
Aspects of cranial osteopathy seek to engage with the person's underlying "blueprint" and promote it. That may be viewed in a contra light as it can be considered as promoting a healthy environment rather than trying to reverse the bad.
Of course it is the heavy guns of radiotherapy and chemotherapy which are the centre-piece of any potential cure but the contra approach is a healthy one.
Whilst the cranial osteopathy provides a physical aspect of the contra approach the aspect of my meditations with my mantra aim to do the same thing on a mental and emotional level.
The mantra is about going back to my source and generating the flower image from that just as the aum is perceived to emanate from the source as I explained in a previous post http://thebookofsilence.blogspot.com/2010/10/using-mantra.html
"To me, however, it is symbolic of regeneration and healing. I often imagine the rose heads as cells and the spreading of good cells in my body"
A Funny Moment
When I get off the train I have to go up a set of steps.
There was a woman a couple of steps ahead of me and I could see a woman on my left-hand side making swift progess up the stairs from behind me.
It became clear quickly that the woman on my left was a friend of the other woman and, sure enough, she reached out and tugged the back of her friend's coat.
The woman who had her coat tugged turned around my way and looked at me. It was a look of both bemusement and of disdain, so I took my "i Fa Fa" headphone out and said "not me", whilst pointing at her mate.
I then turned to her mate and said "thanks for making me look like a sex offender".
There was a lot of laughter as I marched off to greet Kitten who was waiting in the car for me.
As is my nature though, I thought that I would leave with the upper hand by turning around and saying "nice arse though".
It got a laugh :-)
There was a woman a couple of steps ahead of me and I could see a woman on my left-hand side making swift progess up the stairs from behind me.
It became clear quickly that the woman on my left was a friend of the other woman and, sure enough, she reached out and tugged the back of her friend's coat.
The woman who had her coat tugged turned around my way and looked at me. It was a look of both bemusement and of disdain, so I took my "i Fa Fa" headphone out and said "not me", whilst pointing at her mate.
I then turned to her mate and said "thanks for making me look like a sex offender".
There was a lot of laughter as I marched off to greet Kitten who was waiting in the car for me.
As is my nature though, I thought that I would leave with the upper hand by turning around and saying "nice arse though".
It got a laugh :-)
Stepping it Up
I am still under the weather and a cold has added to my woes.
However, I made it into work for a short period today because I was scheduled to see the mad Canadian osteopath this morning. I also saw him last Friday mornign and am trying to step up my positive contribution towards getting better.
This no-man's land between the end of treatment and being scanned again is tough.
Yesterday, I managed to do some Chi Kung for the first time in a while and I hope to keep that going. The physical position of the body in Chi Kung means that there is dynamic tension (especially within the legs) and that is good for legs that have been wasted away.
The worst of my physical problems has been constant griping in the abdomen and that could be caused by a number of reasons
However, I made it into work for a short period today because I was scheduled to see the mad Canadian osteopath this morning. I also saw him last Friday mornign and am trying to step up my positive contribution towards getting better.
This no-man's land between the end of treatment and being scanned again is tough.
Yesterday, I managed to do some Chi Kung for the first time in a while and I hope to keep that going. The physical position of the body in Chi Kung means that there is dynamic tension (especially within the legs) and that is good for legs that have been wasted away.
The worst of my physical problems has been constant griping in the abdomen and that could be caused by a number of reasons
- The effect of the radiotherapy on the tumour (which is at the junction of the stomach)
- The soft diet
- Constipation
- The cancer becoming secondary in my stomach
Sunday 24 October 2010
Gadget Payback
At the beginning of this journey I couldn't stop buying gadgets.
First there was a television for the bedroom, which was part of a wider plan of bedroom redecoration to make it a good place of retreat.
Then there was a laptop, so that I could work from home in my newly decorated bedroom and without interfering with general family use of the PC.
Then there was a new television and surround system for the living room. I can't think of a reason for that other than because I wanted one!
Of course there was a Sky HD subscription for the downstairs TV as well. After all a man can't get an HD TV without watching the footie and rugby in glorious HD.
In fairness all of these investments have paid dividends without really being justifiable in a financial sense.
The HD TV and surround sound has even been a hit with Kitten and has been noticeably well received when watching films. I have even got her to admit to it verbally without the application of thumbscrews.
My only recent indulgence has been what Sushi and I refer to as an "i Fa Fa" (said quickly). Translated that is an iPhone4. Kitten's phone was broken and needed replacing, so I thought that it was about time that my three year old phone was updated too.
They are great little toys and save me from needing to switch on the laptop or the PC in the morning. Once again there isn't any real reason for having one but it has kept me distracted for a while. It's almost like as if my left arm is deformed and has a growth on the end of it.
Ah well, every man needs a hobby!
Happy Dayz.
First there was a television for the bedroom, which was part of a wider plan of bedroom redecoration to make it a good place of retreat.
Then there was a laptop, so that I could work from home in my newly decorated bedroom and without interfering with general family use of the PC.
Then there was a new television and surround system for the living room. I can't think of a reason for that other than because I wanted one!
Of course there was a Sky HD subscription for the downstairs TV as well. After all a man can't get an HD TV without watching the footie and rugby in glorious HD.
In fairness all of these investments have paid dividends without really being justifiable in a financial sense.
The HD TV and surround sound has even been a hit with Kitten and has been noticeably well received when watching films. I have even got her to admit to it verbally without the application of thumbscrews.
My only recent indulgence has been what Sushi and I refer to as an "i Fa Fa" (said quickly). Translated that is an iPhone4. Kitten's phone was broken and needed replacing, so I thought that it was about time that my three year old phone was updated too.
They are great little toys and save me from needing to switch on the laptop or the PC in the morning. Once again there isn't any real reason for having one but it has kept me distracted for a while. It's almost like as if my left arm is deformed and has a growth on the end of it.
Ah well, every man needs a hobby!
Happy Dayz.
Saturday 23 October 2010
Low Key
I am not the only one to "hit the buffers" over the last few days.
Today I heard from my uncle "Magic Coat" who had the misfortune to be involved in a car crash the other day. His car was hit from behind and he is in hospital awaiting a MRI scan because of his symptoms of pins and needles in both arms. He tells me that the doctors don't think that there is any permanent damage, so fingers crossed and my best wishes to him for a speedy recovery. No doubt I will see him next weekend.
I took it easy today an skipped Huffty's morning football and just focused on going to the Chelsea match with him, Notoplip and Sonic.
I love taking Huffty to the match because he really gets involved in the spectacle and the atmosphere, but today was a struggle.
Tomorrow I am going to rest up again because I don't feel great. I am definitely in no-man's land at the moment.
Today I heard from my uncle "Magic Coat" who had the misfortune to be involved in a car crash the other day. His car was hit from behind and he is in hospital awaiting a MRI scan because of his symptoms of pins and needles in both arms. He tells me that the doctors don't think that there is any permanent damage, so fingers crossed and my best wishes to him for a speedy recovery. No doubt I will see him next weekend.
I took it easy today an skipped Huffty's morning football and just focused on going to the Chelsea match with him, Notoplip and Sonic.
I love taking Huffty to the match because he really gets involved in the spectacle and the atmosphere, but today was a struggle.
Tomorrow I am going to rest up again because I don't feel great. I am definitely in no-man's land at the moment.
Friday 22 October 2010
Where to from here
Having lifted myself out of the toughest bit of the radiotherapy I now feel like I am going backwards a little.
I took Wednesday and Thursday off sick but I don't feel any better for it.
Part of my problem is waking up in the middle of the night hungry. The lack of solid foods makes it impossible to feel full and when I wake up I have a raging hunger which I have to get up and feed. As eating takes a long time it makes a big hole in my sleep and I have always needed a good night's sleep.
I am still having to manage my activity and tomorrow presents an example of how I have to think ahead. Notoplip and I are taking our boys to see Chelsea vs Wolves in the afternoon and, if I feel like I do today, I will have to skip Huffty's football match in the morning.
I can't grumble too much because I am active and not slumped on the sofa, but my lack of progress over the last week is in contrast to the good progress that I made in the previous two weeks.
What I am finding to be one of the biggest issues about coping with a major illness is the simple fact that you have no idea how things will progress. It is just a case of feeling your way. There is nothing suprising in that statement but I am in no-man's land right now and sometimes patience is hard.
There is no doubt that the spirit is tested in these circumtances, but I refuse to be found wanting in that department
I took Wednesday and Thursday off sick but I don't feel any better for it.
Part of my problem is waking up in the middle of the night hungry. The lack of solid foods makes it impossible to feel full and when I wake up I have a raging hunger which I have to get up and feed. As eating takes a long time it makes a big hole in my sleep and I have always needed a good night's sleep.
I am still having to manage my activity and tomorrow presents an example of how I have to think ahead. Notoplip and I are taking our boys to see Chelsea vs Wolves in the afternoon and, if I feel like I do today, I will have to skip Huffty's football match in the morning.
I can't grumble too much because I am active and not slumped on the sofa, but my lack of progress over the last week is in contrast to the good progress that I made in the previous two weeks.
What I am finding to be one of the biggest issues about coping with a major illness is the simple fact that you have no idea how things will progress. It is just a case of feeling your way. There is nothing suprising in that statement but I am in no-man's land right now and sometimes patience is hard.
There is no doubt that the spirit is tested in these circumtances, but I refuse to be found wanting in that department
Thursday 21 October 2010
Slowly Slowly - Catch the Monkey
After posting yesterday that I was taking a day off to ease down a bit, I have not been feeling too great.
This all started with a bout of sickness yesterday morning when I had just left the house and I have not felt settled since.
The point is not that I feel particularly poorly but that I am trying to keep myself in balance. With that in mind, I am working from home today (a little at a time) and with a view to getting back in the office tomorrow.
Whilst I focus on trying to push back the boundaries, I am always aware of the bigger picture of creating the best environment for the treatment to work in.
There is no point in pushing too hard for normality when dealing with the illness is the top priority.
This all started with a bout of sickness yesterday morning when I had just left the house and I have not felt settled since.
The point is not that I feel particularly poorly but that I am trying to keep myself in balance. With that in mind, I am working from home today (a little at a time) and with a view to getting back in the office tomorrow.
Whilst I focus on trying to push back the boundaries, I am always aware of the bigger picture of creating the best environment for the treatment to work in.
There is no point in pushing too hard for normality when dealing with the illness is the top priority.
Wednesday 20 October 2010
Structure, Structure and More Structure
Despite having a rough time when I was out this morning, overall, I have settled into a good pattern which is taking me forward.
My living is very clean and the worst aspect of it is probably the food that I am eating because I have to get as many simple calories in as I can.
I had a simple but useful find at the sandwich chain Pret a Manger. They sell little pots of chocolate mousse and, despite their diminutive size, I had a feeling that they packed a calorific punch. I checked on "t'internet" and at 500 calories they really do because they are no bigger than a small pot of yoghurt. They are exceptional rich and a pathway to a heart attack, but they are a useful snack to add to the armoury and I have been told by the hospital to concentrate on the calories and forget the normal dietary rules for the time being.
A few people have queried me making the journey into work so frequently, but not only is it better for me to be in the office for the current section of work that I am doing but I get useful exercise walking to and fro. As part of the walk I am now doing my mantra exercises again, which apart from anything else have an exercise benefit from the regulation of the breathing. It is worthwhile remembering that I am not getting much exercise at the moment. This is not because I don't want to but I have to be careful not to overdo it and I can't really afford to burn the extra calories etiher.
All said and done I feel sure that going to work is better for me than sitting on the sofa feeling sorry for myself (although that does have its attractions!)
My living is very clean and the worst aspect of it is probably the food that I am eating because I have to get as many simple calories in as I can.
I had a simple but useful find at the sandwich chain Pret a Manger. They sell little pots of chocolate mousse and, despite their diminutive size, I had a feeling that they packed a calorific punch. I checked on "t'internet" and at 500 calories they really do because they are no bigger than a small pot of yoghurt. They are exceptional rich and a pathway to a heart attack, but they are a useful snack to add to the armoury and I have been told by the hospital to concentrate on the calories and forget the normal dietary rules for the time being.
A few people have queried me making the journey into work so frequently, but not only is it better for me to be in the office for the current section of work that I am doing but I get useful exercise walking to and fro. As part of the walk I am now doing my mantra exercises again, which apart from anything else have an exercise benefit from the regulation of the breathing. It is worthwhile remembering that I am not getting much exercise at the moment. This is not because I don't want to but I have to be careful not to overdo it and I can't really afford to burn the extra calories etiher.
All said and done I feel sure that going to work is better for me than sitting on the sofa feeling sorry for myself (although that does have its attractions!)
Restful Day?
Big John and I did get out for our hour five dollar shakes last night (in fact closer to $6) and, damn, they were good!
It was good to catch up with him as we have not seen each other for a few months. My regards to his wife 15-0.
One of the things that we chatted about is that he goes away with his family every weekend during the summer holiday, which I think is a great idea and also quite admirable. It's good to be different and I haven't heard before of someone doing that.
I had planned today as a sick day to ensure that I am not overdoing it. I will be back in the office tomorrow and Wednesday.
Occasionally, I suffer from short bouts of sickness but these are manageable and usually at home. They are rather unpleasant because nothing much goes down my oesophagus so, by the same token, nothing much can come up. This makes the whole experience very difficult and convulsive. This sometimes occurs soon after eating and I was unfortunate enough to get caught out this morning when I was out.
Hanging on to a park railing whilst on your haunches wretching is a stark reminder of illness. Its legacy is that I have felt unwell all day since.
The whole process of avoiding these moments is to try and keep everything in balance and as simple as possible and I simply ventured out too soon after breakfast.
So a day taken off to avoid feeling ill has made me ill!
It was good to catch up with him as we have not seen each other for a few months. My regards to his wife 15-0.
One of the things that we chatted about is that he goes away with his family every weekend during the summer holiday, which I think is a great idea and also quite admirable. It's good to be different and I haven't heard before of someone doing that.
I had planned today as a sick day to ensure that I am not overdoing it. I will be back in the office tomorrow and Wednesday.
Occasionally, I suffer from short bouts of sickness but these are manageable and usually at home. They are rather unpleasant because nothing much goes down my oesophagus so, by the same token, nothing much can come up. This makes the whole experience very difficult and convulsive. This sometimes occurs soon after eating and I was unfortunate enough to get caught out this morning when I was out.
Hanging on to a park railing whilst on your haunches wretching is a stark reminder of illness. Its legacy is that I have felt unwell all day since.
The whole process of avoiding these moments is to try and keep everything in balance and as simple as possible and I simply ventured out too soon after breakfast.
So a day taken off to avoid feeling ill has made me ill!
Tuesday 19 October 2010
A Night Out
I am off out tonight with "Big John".
The last time the Big John and I went out we had a an enjoyable evening's converation in Pizza Express. I also remember enjoying the food but really struggling with it for the first time. It was the last time that I have eaten anything in a reasonable amount of comfort.
Tonight we will be off in search of the "Five Dollar Shake" - see earlier post with reference to Pulp Fiction http://thebookofsilence.blogspot.com/2010/09/five-dollar-milkshake.html
I haven't seen Big John for a while so it will be good to catch up and an evening out of the house won't do me any harm.
The last time the Big John and I went out we had a an enjoyable evening's converation in Pizza Express. I also remember enjoying the food but really struggling with it for the first time. It was the last time that I have eaten anything in a reasonable amount of comfort.
Tonight we will be off in search of the "Five Dollar Shake" - see earlier post with reference to Pulp Fiction http://thebookofsilence.blogspot.com/2010/09/five-dollar-milkshake.html
I haven't seen Big John for a while so it will be good to catch up and an evening out of the house won't do me any harm.
Wait and See
This wait and see phase of the process is not the most interesting.
My main focus has been in getting back into the office.
The end of August through the begnning of October is the only period of the illness where I have not been able to work consistently, though I have still been able to contribute at key moments.
Last week saw a return to me going into the office regularly though I am not working full days. It is a combination of food intake and residual tiredness from the treatment that is stopping me from doing so and it does not look like there will be any change from a "soft food" diet in the near future. Soft foods are things like rice pudding, soups and shakes.
Getting back to work has been my main focus and I have not really done anything else. I am yet to do the things that I have talked about like Chi Kung and getting on the decks, but I have been living in a zone where I feel comfortable and not extending myself too much.
I am pleased with my overall progress of recent but am also mindful that there is no guarantee of a positive outcome. I am not being pessimistic when I say that, it is simply in my nature to look at the different angles of the process and plan for all possibilities. I have some financial planning affairs to take care of over the next few days and that will ensure that the process of looking after my family in the event of the worst will be smooth and fully taken care of. I know that is slightly macabre, but these things have to be done and I would rather that I didn't have to do them after the event of receiving bad news. The matters in hand are matters that should be taken care of even if I was in perfect health anyway.
In the meantime there is room for a bit of frivolity this evening.
My main focus has been in getting back into the office.
The end of August through the begnning of October is the only period of the illness where I have not been able to work consistently, though I have still been able to contribute at key moments.
Last week saw a return to me going into the office regularly though I am not working full days. It is a combination of food intake and residual tiredness from the treatment that is stopping me from doing so and it does not look like there will be any change from a "soft food" diet in the near future. Soft foods are things like rice pudding, soups and shakes.
Getting back to work has been my main focus and I have not really done anything else. I am yet to do the things that I have talked about like Chi Kung and getting on the decks, but I have been living in a zone where I feel comfortable and not extending myself too much.
I am pleased with my overall progress of recent but am also mindful that there is no guarantee of a positive outcome. I am not being pessimistic when I say that, it is simply in my nature to look at the different angles of the process and plan for all possibilities. I have some financial planning affairs to take care of over the next few days and that will ensure that the process of looking after my family in the event of the worst will be smooth and fully taken care of. I know that is slightly macabre, but these things have to be done and I would rather that I didn't have to do them after the event of receiving bad news. The matters in hand are matters that should be taken care of even if I was in perfect health anyway.
In the meantime there is room for a bit of frivolity this evening.
Sunday 17 October 2010
Building a Perspective
Whilst it continues to be difficult to eat I have already moved on from there because it is nothing more than an inconvenience and a point of planning how to get the calories in.
The real game now is whether the treatment has done enough to get me in the operating theatre.
Let's be clear about this, I am not expecting a complete cure from the latest batch of treatment. I think that would be beyond all expectations but getting into theatre and having an operation to get rid of the cancer has to be the focus.
When you are in the throes of the treatment it is difficult to see beyond the immediate difficulties but, in the grand scheme of things, I am currently contained by inconveniences rather than insurmountable difficulty.
So, all I can do is put myself in the best frame of mind and hope for the best. I won't set my expectations high because previous experience tells me that cautious optimism and level-headedness is the best way forward.
A few weeks ago I was at a real low, but it is in my nature to draw strength when in such circumstances. Getting food down when suffering searing pain in the foot pipe, dragging myself up the hospital when I realised that I was no longer able to get enough down, holding myself together through the last chemotherapy session and also the blood transfusion all serve as good examples.
The treatment is finished and so there is nothing physically that I can do to alter its path, but proceeding with a little dignity and a smile and a desire to succeed is a good foot to put forward.
The real game now is whether the treatment has done enough to get me in the operating theatre.
Let's be clear about this, I am not expecting a complete cure from the latest batch of treatment. I think that would be beyond all expectations but getting into theatre and having an operation to get rid of the cancer has to be the focus.
When you are in the throes of the treatment it is difficult to see beyond the immediate difficulties but, in the grand scheme of things, I am currently contained by inconveniences rather than insurmountable difficulty.
So, all I can do is put myself in the best frame of mind and hope for the best. I won't set my expectations high because previous experience tells me that cautious optimism and level-headedness is the best way forward.
A few weeks ago I was at a real low, but it is in my nature to draw strength when in such circumstances. Getting food down when suffering searing pain in the foot pipe, dragging myself up the hospital when I realised that I was no longer able to get enough down, holding myself together through the last chemotherapy session and also the blood transfusion all serve as good examples.
The treatment is finished and so there is nothing physically that I can do to alter its path, but proceeding with a little dignity and a smile and a desire to succeed is a good foot to put forward.
Time to Put My Feet Up
It has been a busy week by recent standards and I am pleased to have been able to get to watch Huffty play football yesterday morning. They won 3-0 and the little fella scored a goal, so he is "chuffed". He ran virtually the length of the field in celebration.
I was out for most of the morning and the biggest problem that I have is stopping myself from getting overly hungry. When I get hungry it isn't like a normal situation because the effects of the treatment mean that I start to fall apart a bit. The situation is compounded by the fact that nothing that I eat is more than 600 calories, so I am never sitting down to a "big meal". I am pleased though that my weight has been completely stable for the last couple of weeks.
Kitten took the kids off to the football club to socialise withe other mums and dads in the afternoon and to give the kids free reign to run around the grounds for the afternoon and I was able to join them later in the afternoon after having a bit of a rest.
All in all it has been my most active week since early August and so today I plan on just putting my feet up and having a rest before going into work tomorrow.
We are starting to get organised for the coming weeks and Kitten's parents will be coming down for the week when Kitten has her leg operation. The extra pairs of hands will be useful especially as I am now regularly back in work in London
I was out for most of the morning and the biggest problem that I have is stopping myself from getting overly hungry. When I get hungry it isn't like a normal situation because the effects of the treatment mean that I start to fall apart a bit. The situation is compounded by the fact that nothing that I eat is more than 600 calories, so I am never sitting down to a "big meal". I am pleased though that my weight has been completely stable for the last couple of weeks.
Kitten took the kids off to the football club to socialise withe other mums and dads in the afternoon and to give the kids free reign to run around the grounds for the afternoon and I was able to join them later in the afternoon after having a bit of a rest.
All in all it has been my most active week since early August and so today I plan on just putting my feet up and having a rest before going into work tomorrow.
We are starting to get organised for the coming weeks and Kitten's parents will be coming down for the week when Kitten has her leg operation. The extra pairs of hands will be useful especially as I am now regularly back in work in London
Friday 15 October 2010
Bouncing Back
There's no doubt about it I am bouncing back.
There's no knowledge of what is going on with the serious business behind the scenes but, in myself, I am a completely different person from last week.
I've managed to get into the office on 4 of the 5 days this week, albeit for reduced working days. If I pan back to three or four weeks ago that was a very different affair. I was curled up on the sofa in pain an smashed on oral morphine (perhaps that was a better deal???).
I must be producing some stuff at work too because I went to wash up my soup / rice pudding bowl before going home, I came back to my desk and there appeared to be smoke coming off it.
I was looking for the fire and could see smoke and smell burning from my PC screen. A few days back and I have blown the shit up!
I am looking to enjoy a few weeks of relative sanity if things hold and continue to improve.
The main thing for me though is to keep on pushing forward whilst still getting plently of rest. The closer I get to living a normal life the better I feel in myself and now really is a time to feel positive. I have taken every the treatment can throw at me and it feels goods to be walking away from it.
There's no knowledge of what is going on with the serious business behind the scenes but, in myself, I am a completely different person from last week.
I've managed to get into the office on 4 of the 5 days this week, albeit for reduced working days. If I pan back to three or four weeks ago that was a very different affair. I was curled up on the sofa in pain an smashed on oral morphine (perhaps that was a better deal???).
I must be producing some stuff at work too because I went to wash up my soup / rice pudding bowl before going home, I came back to my desk and there appeared to be smoke coming off it.
I was looking for the fire and could see smoke and smell burning from my PC screen. A few days back and I have blown the shit up!
I am looking to enjoy a few weeks of relative sanity if things hold and continue to improve.
The main thing for me though is to keep on pushing forward whilst still getting plently of rest. The closer I get to living a normal life the better I feel in myself and now really is a time to feel positive. I have taken every the treatment can throw at me and it feels goods to be walking away from it.
Thursday 14 October 2010
Mmmmmmm Deeeelicious - One for Mr Butcher
I am managed a very small piece of lemon cake tonight.
Oh, it was lovely.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicing - yum.
Oh, it was lovely.
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicing - yum.
A Trip to Wales on 29th October?
As I am on the up and as Saturday is Huffty's last football match for a couple of weeks it would seem like an opportune time to take a visit to Wales and catch up with family and new babies.
The last time we visited was for the weekend on 13th May and that was on my own after being administered my third cycle of chemotherapy on the 12th.
Of course, my parents have been up here since but we have not seen any of the wider family.
We are usually quite regular visitors and we even don't think anything of occasionally popping down for Sunday lunch, so it will feel good to get over that Severn Bridge again.
We will likely visit on the weekend of Friday, 29th October.
The last time we visited was for the weekend on 13th May and that was on my own after being administered my third cycle of chemotherapy on the 12th.
Of course, my parents have been up here since but we have not seen any of the wider family.
We are usually quite regular visitors and we even don't think anything of occasionally popping down for Sunday lunch, so it will feel good to get over that Severn Bridge again.
We will likely visit on the weekend of Friday, 29th October.
Tuesday 12 October 2010
Things Keep on Getting Better
Apart from eating things keep getting better.
It is very noticeable how my energy levels are improving each day and I breezed through my trip to work today.
Walking is almost normal.
These things may not seem like much but I am light years away from where I was a couple of weeks ago.
Happy Dayz
It is very noticeable how my energy levels are improving each day and I breezed through my trip to work today.
Walking is almost normal.
These things may not seem like much but I am light years away from where I was a couple of weeks ago.
Happy Dayz
How the Children are Coping
The last few months have not just been difficult for Kitten and me. The children have adapted well but have seen their dad deteriorate in a practical way. They have seen me unable to eat, losing weight, in pain, not able to participate, grumpy and less tolerant.
It is in childrens' nature that they are able to adapt well but it does have some effect on them. They do worry and that is difficult when it is impossible to give them cast iron assurances and also when they are still at an age where they find it difficult to express what they are feeling.
Where I have had to withdraw somewhat from daily activities there have still been plenty of cuddles and both Kitten and I make plenty of effort to talk to the children and give them practical reassurance.
All the way through the process we have tried to make their lives as normal as possible and affording them that stable structure without affecting their regular activites has been instrumental in preserving a sense of order amidst the chaos.
We have another appointment with the child psychologist in a couple of days time and everything seems to be on an even keel, for now.
It is in childrens' nature that they are able to adapt well but it does have some effect on them. They do worry and that is difficult when it is impossible to give them cast iron assurances and also when they are still at an age where they find it difficult to express what they are feeling.
Where I have had to withdraw somewhat from daily activities there have still been plenty of cuddles and both Kitten and I make plenty of effort to talk to the children and give them practical reassurance.
All the way through the process we have tried to make their lives as normal as possible and affording them that stable structure without affecting their regular activites has been instrumental in preserving a sense of order amidst the chaos.
We have another appointment with the child psychologist in a couple of days time and everything seems to be on an even keel, for now.
Monday 11 October 2010
Back to Normal Stuff
I went to work today and it was noticeable that my energy levels are improving.
I can pass for someone walking at a normal pace and felt quite alright throughout the part of the day that I stayed in the office.
The biggest issue for me is finding food to sustain me through the day when I am not in the house.
There is now much less pain in the oesophagus from the radiotherapy but I still can't get food down. I imagine that I will have to live with that for a while.
So, progress continues. It would be very nice to get to a stage soon where I can just have a normal day and get out of the house properly but that will depend upon my eating improving.
I can pass for someone walking at a normal pace and felt quite alright throughout the part of the day that I stayed in the office.
The biggest issue for me is finding food to sustain me through the day when I am not in the house.
There is now much less pain in the oesophagus from the radiotherapy but I still can't get food down. I imagine that I will have to live with that for a while.
So, progress continues. It would be very nice to get to a stage soon where I can just have a normal day and get out of the house properly but that will depend upon my eating improving.
Using the Mantra
I wrote the mantra many years ago and used it as a point of focus. It was a useful means of focusing the mind by repetition to relax and withdraw from the day whenever I wanted. It had a special resonance because I had written it and felt that it belonged to me.
It is the essence of mantra which formed the repetition in my head (not out loud).
My stillness is my source
My source is my truth
My truth is my inner peace
My inner peace is my stillness
My nature is not still or peaceful so I found these words quite calming.
Where the mantra has come into its own and where I have began to relate to it in a constructive way is through recent illness.
A few months before I was diagnosed I was trying to get fit and was losing weight, as planned, but did not seem to be getting fitter. At the same time I was starting to explore the spiritual side of my nature, something that has not interested me for some time in the maelstrom of marriage and fatherhood. I had a couple of books on my desk and Sam the Eagle would often engage me in conversation about them. I always tried to keep the conversations fairly normal though Sam recognises that I am "not quite mainstream" anyway.
In one of Sam the Eagle and my conversations I was talking about breathing exercises and that I was routinely practising exercises whilst I walked. My breathing has never been good as my nose is not as functional as its size would suggest. I mentioned that I breathed in a pattern with the way I walk and establish a rhythm and he related it to a practice in golf that he had read about to steady the nerves - another example of how the esoteric is becoming more exoteric. What I didn't mention is that repeating my mantra in my head in the pattern of the breathing is an essential part of the exercise.
This breathing exercise was one of the small red flags that went up in the autumn because I realised how much I was struggling with something so simple as walking and breathing through my nose considering that I was meant to be getting fit. Every time that I went up a gentle slope then I would be struggling. Of course this was due to the low amount of oxygen being carried by my red blood cells (haemoglobin).
The mantra formed a central part of all my meditations whilst practising Chi Kung and I extended it so that rather than just using the words I was growing the flower within in time with the breathing.
The mantra takes me away from normal focus and helps create a positive environment and structure. It is perhaps odd to see how
It may not do me any good but I doubt that it will do me any harm. It keeps me busy anyway.
Now back to normal things :-)
It is the essence of mantra which formed the repetition in my head (not out loud).
My stillness is my source
My source is my truth
My truth is my inner peace
My inner peace is my stillness
My nature is not still or peaceful so I found these words quite calming.
Where the mantra has come into its own and where I have began to relate to it in a constructive way is through recent illness.
A few months before I was diagnosed I was trying to get fit and was losing weight, as planned, but did not seem to be getting fitter. At the same time I was starting to explore the spiritual side of my nature, something that has not interested me for some time in the maelstrom of marriage and fatherhood. I had a couple of books on my desk and Sam the Eagle would often engage me in conversation about them. I always tried to keep the conversations fairly normal though Sam recognises that I am "not quite mainstream" anyway.
In one of Sam the Eagle and my conversations I was talking about breathing exercises and that I was routinely practising exercises whilst I walked. My breathing has never been good as my nose is not as functional as its size would suggest. I mentioned that I breathed in a pattern with the way I walk and establish a rhythm and he related it to a practice in golf that he had read about to steady the nerves - another example of how the esoteric is becoming more exoteric. What I didn't mention is that repeating my mantra in my head in the pattern of the breathing is an essential part of the exercise.
This breathing exercise was one of the small red flags that went up in the autumn because I realised how much I was struggling with something so simple as walking and breathing through my nose considering that I was meant to be getting fit. Every time that I went up a gentle slope then I would be struggling. Of course this was due to the low amount of oxygen being carried by my red blood cells (haemoglobin).
The mantra formed a central part of all my meditations whilst practising Chi Kung and I extended it so that rather than just using the words I was growing the flower within in time with the breathing.
The mantra takes me away from normal focus and helps create a positive environment and structure. It is perhaps odd to see how
- breathing, walking or practising Chi Kung
- whilst visualising the creation of roots of of a flower, its stem, the flower head
- and then bursting the flower head to repeat the process
It may not do me any good but I doubt that it will do me any harm. It keeps me busy anyway.
Now back to normal things :-)
My Mantra
Posting on this subject isn't easy because "how do you explain" a mantra. I thought that it was worth a go though and would make a change from the typical "I'm in pain" or "I can't eat properly" posts of recent.
The best way that I can think of explaining it is to print it in full then break it down and then explain how I use it.
The overall image is one of a rose growing from its roots in the soil into the visible flower. Like the description of the mantra provided in a previous post the growth of the flower from its roots symbolises the spiritual transformation that a mantra is meant to invoke.
I initially wrote the "root" and essence of the mantra without intent but recognised it as being such. The original poem was
The best way that I can think of explaining it is to print it in full then break it down and then explain how I use it.
I initially wrote the "root" and essence of the mantra without intent but recognised it as being such. The original poem was
It was orignally a thought about light and how it travels.
And then expressed "in the round" much like looking down from the source of light, like a spotlight on a stage .
Whilst I recognised it as being mantra I did not understand it until I wrote the "rose head" but that, in itself, was a result of contemplating what it was about.
The Aum that forms the stem of the rose represents its growth from its roots to its unfoldment. I liked the image of the stem because it takes the unknown roots and brings them to light. Not only that but in the example of the swans and the Aum it is not necessarily beautiful. The stem represents that dual nature of hte swans because it is thorny but it is what transports the beauty of the rose into the light.
In respect of the dual nature of light and dark, good and evil, yin and yang, masculine and feminine the mantra is also expressed a such
When expressed fully the upright rose lays on top of the inverted rose to express its dual nature.
So, of what benefit is that to me?
Sunday 10 October 2010
What is a Mantra
A number of years ago my perception of what a mantra was would have conjured an image of a bunch of hippies sitting in a room in the lotus position chanting "Om". In many ways it still does.
My perception would have been coloured by having read (or thought that I had read) about the Beatles having a yogi and receiving mantras from him (and thinking that they were being mugged for their money).
Certainly I would have associated the concept of the mantra as emanating from India.
Wikipedia gives a simple explanation of what a mantra is.
"A sound, syllable, word or group of words that are considered capable of creating transformation"
The use of mantras started in the Vedic tradition of India and became an integral part of Hinduism they are also a practice of Buddishm, Sikhism and Jainism. The use of mantras has spread into the Western philosophies that have grown from the eastern traditions and have become apparent in diluted form as affirmations in every day practices such as self-development type courses.
My original perception about what a mantra is was not far from the mark. The aum (om) is indeed considered to be a mantra. There are many varied explanations of what the aum is and they often included phrases such as the "sound of the universe" or the "sound that emanates from the godhead".
In my simple world I personify the aum in the image of two swans back to back. One swan represents the perfect serenity and grace that swans project and the other the aggressive, vicious and focused energy that they show when attacking. It is easy to draw parallels between Freudian concepts of masculine and feminine, Chinese philosophy of Yin and Yang and Christian philosophy of good and evil.
My perception would have been coloured by having read (or thought that I had read) about the Beatles having a yogi and receiving mantras from him (and thinking that they were being mugged for their money).
Certainly I would have associated the concept of the mantra as emanating from India.
Wikipedia gives a simple explanation of what a mantra is.
"A sound, syllable, word or group of words that are considered capable of creating transformation"
The use of mantras started in the Vedic tradition of India and became an integral part of Hinduism they are also a practice of Buddishm, Sikhism and Jainism. The use of mantras has spread into the Western philosophies that have grown from the eastern traditions and have become apparent in diluted form as affirmations in every day practices such as self-development type courses.
My original perception about what a mantra is was not far from the mark. The aum (om) is indeed considered to be a mantra. There are many varied explanations of what the aum is and they often included phrases such as the "sound of the universe" or the "sound that emanates from the godhead".
In my simple world I personify the aum in the image of two swans back to back. One swan represents the perfect serenity and grace that swans project and the other the aggressive, vicious and focused energy that they show when attacking. It is easy to draw parallels between Freudian concepts of masculine and feminine, Chinese philosophy of Yin and Yang and Christian philosophy of good and evil.
Mantras and Me
If you had engaged me in a conversation about mantras or anything spiritual or religious twenty years ago then I would most likely have taken the mickey out of you unless I thought that it would offend.
That perspective changed for me when I encountered illness during my late twenties and it wasn't because I needed a prop or a structure it was more of an unexpected "awakening" which I struggled to control and harness for an extended period of a few years.
Fortunately I am surrounded by earthy and tolerant people who reminded me when I was venturing a bit too far "off into the woods". The result was that I kept my feet on the ground, learned a lot and developed substantially a person. During this period I chose largely to articulate my thoughts through established media. The practice of DJing and some of the poetry I wrote in my thirties are examples of how I applied myself in harnessing my thoughts
It isn't the purpose of this blog to relate my beliefs, especially as I like to grow and change them as I see fit. Rather it is my intention to relate my experience as I journey through illness.
It is inevitable though that the way I write about my illness is affected by the way that I think about things and I think it worth writing a little on an aspect of my spiritual behaviour that has had practical and useful application for me over the last few months. It is especially relevant because I am starting to apply it again after a period where my focus has really been on just getting through each day with the minimum of discomfort.
Whether it has a beneficial affect on my illness is difficult to quantify but what it has done, thus far, is to help to keep me centred and focused on what is on my plate right now.
The methods I use are self-propagated though they have influences from lots of different philosophies. That isn't important. What is relevant is that the fact that having method and structure can be of good service when dealing with an illness that runs for a length of time. I feel this to be true regardless of an individual's beliefs. It may not even be a philosophy or belief it may just be a passion that helps a person to rise above the grinding presence of illness.
Over the next few posts I am going to focus on my use of my personal mantra, which I designed about 13 to 14 years ago without really understanding it. The process of understanding it has been part of my recent experience. I have aleady published it on these pages as a poem.
That perspective changed for me when I encountered illness during my late twenties and it wasn't because I needed a prop or a structure it was more of an unexpected "awakening" which I struggled to control and harness for an extended period of a few years.
Fortunately I am surrounded by earthy and tolerant people who reminded me when I was venturing a bit too far "off into the woods". The result was that I kept my feet on the ground, learned a lot and developed substantially a person. During this period I chose largely to articulate my thoughts through established media. The practice of DJing and some of the poetry I wrote in my thirties are examples of how I applied myself in harnessing my thoughts
It isn't the purpose of this blog to relate my beliefs, especially as I like to grow and change them as I see fit. Rather it is my intention to relate my experience as I journey through illness.
It is inevitable though that the way I write about my illness is affected by the way that I think about things and I think it worth writing a little on an aspect of my spiritual behaviour that has had practical and useful application for me over the last few months. It is especially relevant because I am starting to apply it again after a period where my focus has really been on just getting through each day with the minimum of discomfort.
Whether it has a beneficial affect on my illness is difficult to quantify but what it has done, thus far, is to help to keep me centred and focused on what is on my plate right now.
The methods I use are self-propagated though they have influences from lots of different philosophies. That isn't important. What is relevant is that the fact that having method and structure can be of good service when dealing with an illness that runs for a length of time. I feel this to be true regardless of an individual's beliefs. It may not even be a philosophy or belief it may just be a passion that helps a person to rise above the grinding presence of illness.
Over the next few posts I am going to focus on my use of my personal mantra, which I designed about 13 to 14 years ago without really understanding it. The process of understanding it has been part of my recent experience. I have aleady published it on these pages as a poem.
Saturday 9 October 2010
Still Moving Forward
I was up early yesterday and went into London to work. I took in an appointment with the Mad Canadian osteopath at 8am, which set me up for the day. Apart from being physically therapeutic the sessions are light-hearted as there is a rapport that lets the humour flow in. Also, there is no "elephant in the room" (save Ganesha) when you are speaking with a medical person.
Having woken at 4:30am I began to fade around lunchtime at work. There was plenty to do though and there is a fair bit of work for me over the coming period. I am focused on training someone to take over my role as I have been far less available over the last couple of months. Even with that done there is plenty of steering work for me to do.
The energy levels are improving and the eating is a little too. I am managing some rice pudding and meat 'n' mince but my digestive system is struggling to come to terms with solids again even though they are going down.
Although the energy levels are improving I was exhausted when I got in yesterday afternoon and went straight to bed for a few hours.
This morning I have been disappointed to miss Huffty's football match. I got up with every intention of going, but after rice pudding for breakfast I felt decidedly queasy and tired. I went back to bed and slept for an hour whilst the Huffty's team played one of if not the strongest team in their league. They were soundly beaten 4-0 but Huffty got his first man of the match. Being a defender and keen tackler I expect he was very busy.
My little clan are still out and about, but I hear that he was disappointed to have missed a penalty.
So, the overall picture is slow but steadily improving, much as my mother-in-law in North Wales who sounded in good spirits and "on the up" when I spoke to her yesterday.
I believe that can also be said of Swelly Belly and Tatoo Boy's baby who I had the pleasure of seeing via Skype this week. I have not been able to go to Wales yet but I have now seen both of the new arrivals via Skype. What a great free service that is.
I am trying to main a mindset of pushing myself a little, but not too much. I am taking care to get plenty of rest too.
Next week I will be starting with work on Monday morning. I will also be ready to start Chi-Kung again as it will add a little physical and spiritual exercise. I relax when I do Chi-Kung but also use it as an opportunity to perform my own "ritualised" meditations. Ritualised can sound like an emotive word but what I mean by it is meditations that are pre-set and structured. They are based around philosophies that I understand as well as those that I have developed myself including my own mantra.
Meditating in this way was particularly useful for me during the first phase of treatment not least for the structure it afforded and the routine and focus it provided. I hope that it will give me the same positive platform and physical benefits as it did first time around though it will be a different journey.
Having woken at 4:30am I began to fade around lunchtime at work. There was plenty to do though and there is a fair bit of work for me over the coming period. I am focused on training someone to take over my role as I have been far less available over the last couple of months. Even with that done there is plenty of steering work for me to do.
The energy levels are improving and the eating is a little too. I am managing some rice pudding and meat 'n' mince but my digestive system is struggling to come to terms with solids again even though they are going down.
Although the energy levels are improving I was exhausted when I got in yesterday afternoon and went straight to bed for a few hours.
This morning I have been disappointed to miss Huffty's football match. I got up with every intention of going, but after rice pudding for breakfast I felt decidedly queasy and tired. I went back to bed and slept for an hour whilst the Huffty's team played one of if not the strongest team in their league. They were soundly beaten 4-0 but Huffty got his first man of the match. Being a defender and keen tackler I expect he was very busy.
My little clan are still out and about, but I hear that he was disappointed to have missed a penalty.
So, the overall picture is slow but steadily improving, much as my mother-in-law in North Wales who sounded in good spirits and "on the up" when I spoke to her yesterday.
I believe that can also be said of Swelly Belly and Tatoo Boy's baby who I had the pleasure of seeing via Skype this week. I have not been able to go to Wales yet but I have now seen both of the new arrivals via Skype. What a great free service that is.
I am trying to main a mindset of pushing myself a little, but not too much. I am taking care to get plenty of rest too.
Next week I will be starting with work on Monday morning. I will also be ready to start Chi-Kung again as it will add a little physical and spiritual exercise. I relax when I do Chi-Kung but also use it as an opportunity to perform my own "ritualised" meditations. Ritualised can sound like an emotive word but what I mean by it is meditations that are pre-set and structured. They are based around philosophies that I understand as well as those that I have developed myself including my own mantra.
Meditating in this way was particularly useful for me during the first phase of treatment not least for the structure it afforded and the routine and focus it provided. I hope that it will give me the same positive platform and physical benefits as it did first time around though it will be a different journey.
Friday 8 October 2010
Thinking About the Future
I received a date for my CT scan today.
I will be having the scan on the 8th November and the follow up meeting a week later on the 15th. The 8th November is the same date as Kitten has an operation on her leg, so we will be busy bees!
When I was walking back and forth to the Post Office yesterday I was thinking about the things I would like to do when and if I get a clean bill of health.
I thought about all manner of things but, when I thought a little deeper, I realised that none of them were really important to me. The only thing that resonated was the thought of being able to sit down with my children, look them in the eye and say to them
"Kids, your daddy doesn't have cancer any more"
Naturally, I would be pleased for myself and for everyone around me but most are adults and can take care of themselves.
At present I am still a long way from that. First I need good results from the scan. If I get them then I still need good results from the operation. If the scan goes OK then I will feel confident about the operation though.
It's not the easiest "project that I have undertaken" but things could look a lot brighter in a month's time.
Today, I have even managed to get some mince 'n' mash down again.
I will be having the scan on the 8th November and the follow up meeting a week later on the 15th. The 8th November is the same date as Kitten has an operation on her leg, so we will be busy bees!
When I was walking back and forth to the Post Office yesterday I was thinking about the things I would like to do when and if I get a clean bill of health.
I thought about all manner of things but, when I thought a little deeper, I realised that none of them were really important to me. The only thing that resonated was the thought of being able to sit down with my children, look them in the eye and say to them
"Kids, your daddy doesn't have cancer any more"
Naturally, I would be pleased for myself and for everyone around me but most are adults and can take care of themselves.
At present I am still a long way from that. First I need good results from the scan. If I get them then I still need good results from the operation. If the scan goes OK then I will feel confident about the operation though.
It's not the easiest "project that I have undertaken" but things could look a lot brighter in a month's time.
Today, I have even managed to get some mince 'n' mash down again.
Sounds Good
I have dragged out all of my old mixed CDs from my DJ days and have been listening and did a copy of some of them for a friend.
It really is interesting looking back on a volume of work that has a few years distance between then and now.
I took a walk to the nearest main post office, which is about a mile away. It was just the three of us; me, the aum on the iPod and Ganesha the elephant plodding behind.
The walk was a good one because for the first time in quite a while I felt OK. I wasn't walking at a furious pace but it was a decent one and not the "one foot in front of the other" type walking that I have been doing recently. Clearly, Ganesha was doing his job and removing the obstacles for me.
All of my CDs are now on my iPod, so I am listening to them and soaking up the memories of yesteryear. All vibrant and uplifting.
It really is interesting looking back on a volume of work that has a few years distance between then and now.
I took a walk to the nearest main post office, which is about a mile away. It was just the three of us; me, the aum on the iPod and Ganesha the elephant plodding behind.
The walk was a good one because for the first time in quite a while I felt OK. I wasn't walking at a furious pace but it was a decent one and not the "one foot in front of the other" type walking that I have been doing recently. Clearly, Ganesha was doing his job and removing the obstacles for me.
All of my CDs are now on my iPod, so I am listening to them and soaking up the memories of yesteryear. All vibrant and uplifting.
Wednesday 6 October 2010
Return of the Aum
I had a jolly lunch with the Wanderer. He is off to France on Friday to start learning french in advance of the ski season. Good luck with that one, I am sure that it will pay dividends later this winter.
On my way to our lunch I was plugged into my iPod listening to the "Aum".
When I was first diagnosed, nearly nine months ago, I spent a lot of time when commuting and walking listening to this repetitive chant and I find it useful in creating a paradoxical environment where the mind is both relaxed an focused. Having a singular but relaxed focus helps to strip away the noise and is very soothing. It takes the mind back to basics.
As I was walking and listening to the Aum the Hindu god Ganesha came to mind, like as if I was walking to the station with a big Ganesha behind me! Ganesha is the elephant headed god and is is a common image that most will have seen. I know a little of Hindu philosophy, mostly related to the mythology of the gods, but I was not aware that Ganesha is directly associated with the sound of the Aum.
The extract below from Wikipedia is enlightening.
Ganesha is identified with the Hindu mantra Aum (ॐ, also called Om). The term oṃkārasvarūpa (Aum is his form), when identified with Ganesha, refers to the notion that he personifies the primal sound.[93] The Ganapati Atharvashirsa attests to this association.
Ganesha is associated with obstacles, both of a physical and spiritual nature; he is worshipped as a remover of obstacles though traditionally he also places obstacles in the path of those who need to be checked.
It is odd how the mind makes these associations apparently spontaneously but, most likely, I have seen this association in the past but it has not registered with me.
The major obstacles that face me at this stage are fear and my body's ability to take enough from the treatment to heal itself. Back in those spring days what faced me was somewhat different. The likely path of chemotherapy / operation / chemotherapy / cure was a bit like jumping out of an aeroplane with a parachute having received full training.
What I am faced with now is a bit like jumping out of an aeroplane with a parachute that is known to be faulty. It may bring me gently back to earth or I may go head first into the ground at 120 mph.
Listening to the Aum isn't going to change the scenario and it is only one of many things that I do to occupy and calm myself. Ironically, the day to day issues of pain and eating difficulties help me to stay focused in the present and not worry about the future.
All of that helps me to feel that when the ripcord is pulled there is still a good chance of a positive outcome, even if there is a bit of a bumpy landing.
On my way to our lunch I was plugged into my iPod listening to the "Aum".
When I was first diagnosed, nearly nine months ago, I spent a lot of time when commuting and walking listening to this repetitive chant and I find it useful in creating a paradoxical environment where the mind is both relaxed an focused. Having a singular but relaxed focus helps to strip away the noise and is very soothing. It takes the mind back to basics.
As I was walking and listening to the Aum the Hindu god Ganesha came to mind, like as if I was walking to the station with a big Ganesha behind me! Ganesha is the elephant headed god and is is a common image that most will have seen. I know a little of Hindu philosophy, mostly related to the mythology of the gods, but I was not aware that Ganesha is directly associated with the sound of the Aum.
The extract below from Wikipedia is enlightening.
Ganesha is identified with the Hindu mantra Aum (ॐ, also called Om). The term oṃkārasvarūpa (Aum is his form), when identified with Ganesha, refers to the notion that he personifies the primal sound.[93] The Ganapati Atharvashirsa attests to this association.
Ganesha is associated with obstacles, both of a physical and spiritual nature; he is worshipped as a remover of obstacles though traditionally he also places obstacles in the path of those who need to be checked.
It is odd how the mind makes these associations apparently spontaneously but, most likely, I have seen this association in the past but it has not registered with me.
The major obstacles that face me at this stage are fear and my body's ability to take enough from the treatment to heal itself. Back in those spring days what faced me was somewhat different. The likely path of chemotherapy / operation / chemotherapy / cure was a bit like jumping out of an aeroplane with a parachute having received full training.
What I am faced with now is a bit like jumping out of an aeroplane with a parachute that is known to be faulty. It may bring me gently back to earth or I may go head first into the ground at 120 mph.
Listening to the Aum isn't going to change the scenario and it is only one of many things that I do to occupy and calm myself. Ironically, the day to day issues of pain and eating difficulties help me to stay focused in the present and not worry about the future.
All of that helps me to feel that when the ripcord is pulled there is still a good chance of a positive outcome, even if there is a bit of a bumpy landing.
The Wanderer
I am meeting with my ex-Managing Director at lunchtime today.
He was lucky enough to retire at 50 years old and take up a life time of ski instructing in the winter and walking in the summer. It's a tough life.
He is returning to his natural overseas habitat at the end of the week, so we are catching up today. It would be nice to say that we are going for a spot of lunch, but I cannot think of anywhere in the locale that serves milkshakes.
Meeting at a mainline railway station presents its own psychological difficulties because all of them in London have stalls selling traditional Cornish pasties. I am very fond of them and their smell travels. I guess I will have to do my impression of the kids in the "Bisto advert" - Ahhhhh Bisto. At least it will be better than me with my faced pressed up against MacDonald's yesterday dribbling down the window (don't worry, I only imagined that one as I walked past).
He was lucky enough to retire at 50 years old and take up a life time of ski instructing in the winter and walking in the summer. It's a tough life.
He is returning to his natural overseas habitat at the end of the week, so we are catching up today. It would be nice to say that we are going for a spot of lunch, but I cannot think of anywhere in the locale that serves milkshakes.
Meeting at a mainline railway station presents its own psychological difficulties because all of them in London have stalls selling traditional Cornish pasties. I am very fond of them and their smell travels. I guess I will have to do my impression of the kids in the "Bisto advert" - Ahhhhh Bisto. At least it will be better than me with my faced pressed up against MacDonald's yesterday dribbling down the window (don't worry, I only imagined that one as I walked past).
In the Music
I mentioned a while back that I intended working with my decks again as I thought it to be a useful medium for exercising the mind, whilst not being too strenuous and also music being a good energy to work with.
I set the decks up a while ago and they have been waiting for me. I am not quite there yet as I am waiting for a piece of equipment to arrive to complete the picture but a recent conversation has prompted me to start listening to some of my old work, having taken an age to dig out my CDs.
Like most people I am critical of my own work and it is always difficult to focus on its merits at the time that you produce it because one tends to focus on the flaws. Having listened back to it with the barrier of time between me and the work, I have to say that I have enjoyed being near it again.
The music I worked with was very uplifting and has done wonders for my mood. The funk is returning!
It is a gentle hobby that should help to lift my energy levels and still provide me with a challenge, so it is onwards and upwards on this front.
A good friend of mine "The Sound Man" who I used to DJ with has offered me the opportunity to play in front of several thousand people next year in May, but in a genre of music that is slightly out of my comfort zone. However, that is something to focus on.
I set the decks up a while ago and they have been waiting for me. I am not quite there yet as I am waiting for a piece of equipment to arrive to complete the picture but a recent conversation has prompted me to start listening to some of my old work, having taken an age to dig out my CDs.
Like most people I am critical of my own work and it is always difficult to focus on its merits at the time that you produce it because one tends to focus on the flaws. Having listened back to it with the barrier of time between me and the work, I have to say that I have enjoyed being near it again.
The music I worked with was very uplifting and has done wonders for my mood. The funk is returning!
It is a gentle hobby that should help to lift my energy levels and still provide me with a challenge, so it is onwards and upwards on this front.
A good friend of mine "The Sound Man" who I used to DJ with has offered me the opportunity to play in front of several thousand people next year in May, but in a genre of music that is slightly out of my comfort zone. However, that is something to focus on.
Tuesday 5 October 2010
A Special Day
Firstly, a very happy birthday to a very good friend of mine "Billy the Fish". He has now joined me at the ripe old age of 45. I hope that you, Saucy Sue and the kids have a lovely day. The fish say hello too, from your kindly gifted aquarium.
Apart from Billy the Fish joining me in nudging ever closer to the big FIVE ZERO, today is also memorable for Kitten and me.
It was ten years ago today that Kitten accepted my proposal of marriage.
It was an interesting time as we had only been back on British soil for a few days, having spent the summer in Ibiza.
In some respects my proposal was spontaneous. In another respect I experienced a "moment" and I have always felt that special moments are invoked from a chain of events articulating a truth. This moment was fashioned from our journey over the year and a half that we had known each other and the feelings that had grown over that time, particularly our shared time living together abroad.
I was working in the Farringdon area of London at the time, which is just around the corner from Hatton Garden (the centre of the London jewellery trade). At lunchtime I walked through Hatton Garden to Leather Lane, which is a bustling street market and then to Chancery lane to buy a sandwich. I can only dream about Pret a Manager sandwiches now, but that was my mission on the day.
I didn't wait to get back to the office to unfurl one of the little beauties from it's packaging but on the way my eye was caught by a couple of engagement ringss, which were sitting amongst many in a shop en route. I wasn't looking but they were at the apex of the window and right in my line of view. I stopped and had a good look and marched in to discuss.
The next day we were off to a restaurant at my suggestion. Kitten was a little bit curious as to why I was so smart and also a little curious as to why I wouldn't embrace her fully. I was holding her slightly at arm's length because the ring was boxed and in my jacket pocket.
When our romantic moment was sealed and the champagne bottle was empty I said quite proudly that I was pleased that there weren't any other significant occasions on this date and immediately contradicted myself by exclaiming "It's 'Billy the Fish's' birthday". I gave him a call to straight away to congratulate him and give him the news.
So the 5th October 2010 is the birthday of Billy the Fish and the 10th year since Kitten and I got engaged.
As I recall the Pret a Manger sandwiches were very nice too!
Apart from Billy the Fish joining me in nudging ever closer to the big FIVE ZERO, today is also memorable for Kitten and me.
It was ten years ago today that Kitten accepted my proposal of marriage.
It was an interesting time as we had only been back on British soil for a few days, having spent the summer in Ibiza.
In some respects my proposal was spontaneous. In another respect I experienced a "moment" and I have always felt that special moments are invoked from a chain of events articulating a truth. This moment was fashioned from our journey over the year and a half that we had known each other and the feelings that had grown over that time, particularly our shared time living together abroad.
I was working in the Farringdon area of London at the time, which is just around the corner from Hatton Garden (the centre of the London jewellery trade). At lunchtime I walked through Hatton Garden to Leather Lane, which is a bustling street market and then to Chancery lane to buy a sandwich. I can only dream about Pret a Manager sandwiches now, but that was my mission on the day.
I didn't wait to get back to the office to unfurl one of the little beauties from it's packaging but on the way my eye was caught by a couple of engagement ringss, which were sitting amongst many in a shop en route. I wasn't looking but they were at the apex of the window and right in my line of view. I stopped and had a good look and marched in to discuss.
The next day we were off to a restaurant at my suggestion. Kitten was a little bit curious as to why I was so smart and also a little curious as to why I wouldn't embrace her fully. I was holding her slightly at arm's length because the ring was boxed and in my jacket pocket.
When our romantic moment was sealed and the champagne bottle was empty I said quite proudly that I was pleased that there weren't any other significant occasions on this date and immediately contradicted myself by exclaiming "It's 'Billy the Fish's' birthday". I gave him a call to straight away to congratulate him and give him the news.
So the 5th October 2010 is the birthday of Billy the Fish and the 10th year since Kitten and I got engaged.
As I recall the Pret a Manger sandwiches were very nice too!
Monday 4 October 2010
The X Factor
Today when I was told that I would get a scan at the beginning of November I wasn't clear exactly what the purpose of the scan was i.e. I wasn't clear whether the purpose of the scan was to confirm that the treatment had worked or whether it was an intermediary scan.
Don't get me wrong, I did ask the question but I didn't receive straightforward answers.
Although I don't know I don't really care. The reason is that if I enter the succeeding meeting knowing that it is Emperor Nero time (thumbs up or thumbs down) then the whole meeting becomes like contestants in the
X-Factor where they have a long walk to face Simon Cowell before being told "I'm taking you through" or "I am sorry but you haven't made it".
There is always a clue for good or bad news in these meetings though. The presence of the Cancer Nurse signals bad news, so you know when you walk through the door anyway.
It's still a tough time at the moment with little energy, lots of pain and an inability to eat, so it continues to be nose to the grindstone and hope for good news.
I know one thing for sure, if I get through this then I have paid my dues. The first part of the journey through chemotherapy was a "cake-walk". This latter part of the journey has been a long hard haul.
Don't get me wrong, I did ask the question but I didn't receive straightforward answers.
Although I don't know I don't really care. The reason is that if I enter the succeeding meeting knowing that it is Emperor Nero time (thumbs up or thumbs down) then the whole meeting becomes like contestants in the
X-Factor where they have a long walk to face Simon Cowell before being told "I'm taking you through" or "I am sorry but you haven't made it".
There is always a clue for good or bad news in these meetings though. The presence of the Cancer Nurse signals bad news, so you know when you walk through the door anyway.
It's still a tough time at the moment with little energy, lots of pain and an inability to eat, so it continues to be nose to the grindstone and hope for good news.
I know one thing for sure, if I get through this then I have paid my dues. The first part of the journey through chemotherapy was a "cake-walk". This latter part of the journey has been a long hard haul.
Medical Update
My appointment with the radiotherapy team this afternoon yielded little information, but there was comfort that the symptoms that I am experiencing are not unusual.
They are bringing forward the original planned scan date to the beginning of November (to be arranged) and I have an appointment arranged for 15th November at 4.15pm.
In the meantime it is a question of continuing to live in "Milkshake City" until I can manage some solids.
They are bringing forward the original planned scan date to the beginning of November (to be arranged) and I have an appointment arranged for 15th November at 4.15pm.
In the meantime it is a question of continuing to live in "Milkshake City" until I can manage some solids.
Kitten's Mum Came Home
Kitten's family made their presence felt yesterday.
There was a visit from Kitten's brother Mad4it and his daughter Kiki and the good news that Kitten's mum has returned home from hospital.
I have not seen Mad4it since I was diagnosed, so it was good to catch up with him and a mutually agreeable day as Chelsea beat Arsenal (Mad4it and the rest of his family are Spurs supporters).
It was Huffty's first big London derby so he experienced a completely different atmosphere at the match to the one he associates with visiting teams like Blackpool and Stoke.
There was a visit from Kitten's brother Mad4it and his daughter Kiki and the good news that Kitten's mum has returned home from hospital.
I have not seen Mad4it since I was diagnosed, so it was good to catch up with him and a mutually agreeable day as Chelsea beat Arsenal (Mad4it and the rest of his family are Spurs supporters).
It was Huffty's first big London derby so he experienced a completely different atmosphere at the match to the one he associates with visiting teams like Blackpool and Stoke.
Sunday 3 October 2010
Back to The Marsden Tomorrow
Today is a big day for Huffty as we are off to Chelsea vs Arsenal this afternoon. It will be the first big derby game he will have seen at Chelsea's ground as most of the games he has seen have been against the less "commercially attractive" Premiership teams.
The last week or so has been difficult from a psychological perspective because my eating capability has actually gone backwards.
The push to mobilise myself this week has taken a little out of me and I haven't ended up in particularly good shape, so I am looking forward to tomorrow's 3:30pm meeting at the Marsden. A conversation can help to restore the confidence and it is difficult to keep that confidence high when dealing with negative symptoms whilst also not having any idea about underlying progress.
I did find out this morning that someone know to the family, who has had radiotherapy on the oesophagus, has said that the eating doesn't really improve and this despite the fact that the radiotherapy has removed her cancer. It is is a the operation that is required to do this. This is a very different scenario to the chemotherapy which improved the eating, but chemotherapy doesn't burn the oesophagus!
The last week or so has been difficult from a psychological perspective because my eating capability has actually gone backwards.
The push to mobilise myself this week has taken a little out of me and I haven't ended up in particularly good shape, so I am looking forward to tomorrow's 3:30pm meeting at the Marsden. A conversation can help to restore the confidence and it is difficult to keep that confidence high when dealing with negative symptoms whilst also not having any idea about underlying progress.
I did find out this morning that someone know to the family, who has had radiotherapy on the oesophagus, has said that the eating doesn't really improve and this despite the fact that the radiotherapy has removed her cancer. It is is a the operation that is required to do this. This is a very different scenario to the chemotherapy which improved the eating, but chemotherapy doesn't burn the oesophagus!
Saturday 2 October 2010
Lots of Poorly People!
Whilst I have been trying to normalise my own life this week there are lots of poorly people around me.
Kitten's mum is still in hospital. She is still in pain from her condition and suffering sickness (likely caused by the pain management drugs). The hospital is continuing to try and resolve the pain management issue. There is hope that she will be allowed out tomorrow but no confirmation. It is over two weeks since she was admitted.
Yorkshire boy is going through the medical loop too and we wish him well.
Add to this my mother's bad back and Kitten's forthcoming operation (she saw the consultant for a pre-op meeting yesterday) and it is clear to see that I am not the only one with problems at the moment.
At least my situation is currently under some for of control though I guess that all of us except Kitten are in the same boat of not having a firm picture of how or what our condition is.
Our thoughts also to Swelly Belly and Tattoo boy's baby who is being nurtured to the best of starts.
Kitten's mum is still in hospital. She is still in pain from her condition and suffering sickness (likely caused by the pain management drugs). The hospital is continuing to try and resolve the pain management issue. There is hope that she will be allowed out tomorrow but no confirmation. It is over two weeks since she was admitted.
Yorkshire boy is going through the medical loop too and we wish him well.
Add to this my mother's bad back and Kitten's forthcoming operation (she saw the consultant for a pre-op meeting yesterday) and it is clear to see that I am not the only one with problems at the moment.
At least my situation is currently under some for of control though I guess that all of us except Kitten are in the same boat of not having a firm picture of how or what our condition is.
Our thoughts also to Swelly Belly and Tattoo boy's baby who is being nurtured to the best of starts.
Getting On With It
This week I have tried to push myself forwards and have done well. However, I have run out of steam at the end of the week.
Yesterday was my third half day session in the office in London and that means being out of the house for between six and seven hours if the commute is included.
Yesterday, I had to call the day a little short but I am planning to be in on Monday morning and will pick up where I left off.
My ability to eat has gone backwards slightly this week and the general pain got worse towards the end of the week but that probably reflects the level of activity.
So, rest is prescribed for today. I will be giving Huffty's football match a miss today especially as I will be having an afternoon out with him tomorrow taking him to see the big London football derby of Chelsea vs Arsenal.
My weight is stable again and that is encouraging. Although I have had to rely on the milkshakes more than I would have liked to this week my weight is at 10st 9lbs, which is some 6-7 lbs off the lows of a couple of weeks ago.
It would be nice to think that the eating will improve over the next few weeks. Yesterday, I didn't even manage the usual shepherd's pie type of affair. The only non-milkshake food yesterday was soup.
I have an appointment at the Marsden on Monday afternoon and I will be able to discuss my progress then. I also believe that I will be getting a date for he all important scan in December.
Yesterday was my third half day session in the office in London and that means being out of the house for between six and seven hours if the commute is included.
Yesterday, I had to call the day a little short but I am planning to be in on Monday morning and will pick up where I left off.
My ability to eat has gone backwards slightly this week and the general pain got worse towards the end of the week but that probably reflects the level of activity.
So, rest is prescribed for today. I will be giving Huffty's football match a miss today especially as I will be having an afternoon out with him tomorrow taking him to see the big London football derby of Chelsea vs Arsenal.
My weight is stable again and that is encouraging. Although I have had to rely on the milkshakes more than I would have liked to this week my weight is at 10st 9lbs, which is some 6-7 lbs off the lows of a couple of weeks ago.
It would be nice to think that the eating will improve over the next few weeks. Yesterday, I didn't even manage the usual shepherd's pie type of affair. The only non-milkshake food yesterday was soup.
I have an appointment at the Marsden on Monday afternoon and I will be able to discuss my progress then. I also believe that I will be getting a date for he all important scan in December.
Friday 1 October 2010
Family Night Out
We managed a family night out last nigth to see a show called Traces at the Peacock theatre in London.
It was good to get out as as family for something other than childrens' activities and the show was inspirational.
It was a circus acrobatics based act in a contemporary setting. The level of skill was quite astonishing and it is good for the children to see something that is beyond the ordinary because it gives them a sense of what can be achieved with hard work and talent.
When you see something like this the talent is much more obvious than that of a good singer or much that the children get exposed to via the medium of Television.
It was good to get out as as family for something other than childrens' activities and the show was inspirational.
It was a circus acrobatics based act in a contemporary setting. The level of skill was quite astonishing and it is good for the children to see something that is beyond the ordinary because it gives them a sense of what can be achieved with hard work and talent.
When you see something like this the talent is much more obvious than that of a good singer or much that the children get exposed to via the medium of Television.
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