It would be easy to say that "I 've never heard such a fuss over having a blood transfusion" and, at a superficial level I would take that on-board as a fair comment. However, yesterday's events were less a reflection of the simple procedure and more an indicator of my marked decline over the last few weeks. Whilst the rest of post appears to be gloomy it is a question of how I move on from here rather than what has happened over the last few weeks. I am looking personally and in conjunction with the hospital to see how I get a good foothold going forward to make the best of the rest of the treatment.
Until my last session of chemotherapy, which also marked the commencement of radiotherapy I have breezed through anything that has been thrown at me. Sure, there have been tough days after chemotherapy and difficult psychological periods to deal with but no sustained downward patterns; just peak and troughs.
What has happened over the last few weeks has been the manifestation of symptoms produced by a sustained battery of treatment together with the effects of the new radiotherapy treatment.
Perhaps one of the most wearing effects has been that of constant nausea. I cannot complain of "heavy" nausea but I have had sustained "queasiness". You may recall that my method of dealing with this in previous cycles of chemotherapy was to eat lots and this in turn appears to mask the symptoms. That approach is no longer an option due to eating problems.
Perhaps the greatest significator over the last three weeks or so has been the deterioration in my ability to eat. The responsibility for this can be laid at the door of the radiotherapy treatment but it has now got to the stage where drinking water is very difficult and the best I manage is sips. That is probably a bit of an overly dramatic statement as it might seem to imply that I can't eat anything, but I am still OK with warm simple foods. Rice puddings, custards and things of similar substance are still OK and I ate some cod in sauce with rice last night. Things like creamy mash are still also OK.
Even though I can eat it is now a very uncomfortable and slow process.
As I have pointed out before this is something which a lot of people have to cope with from the outset, but I have had several months of uncomfortable eating, which has now lead to downright difficult eating. Not only is eating difficult but it is often sore. I have to shy away from acidic and cold foods and drinks. If you are of a sensitive disposition then I suggest that you skip to the next paragraph because........... eating some foods, particularly liquids feels like I am sticking slugs down my throat and they gently slither down to my stomach. Not a pleasant image and not a pleasant experience.
Then there has been the physical pain encountered when getting things stuck with breeds a fear of eating. Previously, getting food stuck was something that could be dealt with by shifting it with liquid. That is no longer the case and getting small things stuck, like tablets leads to intense pain.
The overriding issues when going to hospital though are the omnipresent feeling of nausea, which is aided and abetted by having only a partially full stomach and a mixture of psychosomatic and physical triggers with smells.
My treatment regime should have lasted three cycles until operation and I should now be a month into my recovery from theatre. Instead the hammering I have taken is leaving its legacy of triggers which affect my treatment-heightened sense of smell to certain things. It is obvious that some of these triggers are produced by the psyche because just thinking of certain places or situations can trigger a mild duplication of the reaction. When added to the nausea these become a heady cocktail.
Simple triggers are such as walking into the hospital foyer where the chemical smell of cleanliness is particularly heavy. Others include the smell of the gloves that the nurses use when administering treatment. The standard saline solution now produces an instant and unequivocal response and they now have to use an alternative. These are all things that I used to breeze through but as my "resistance" has been reduced by experience they have become major obstacles.
Yesterday's experience reflected many of the things that I have highlighted and on a partially full stomach I was in difficultly as soon as I got into the foyer. The real problems started when the blood flow started there was a smell and taste in my mouth and an immediate reaction. They decided to administer intravenous anti-sickness, which is something that I have with each chemotherapy treatment. So, I am not stranger to this but it provoked a response of disorientation and agitation and I must confess that panic started to set in.
I am definitely not a panicker but there was a real fear setting in that maybe I would fail, for the first time, to get through the treatment. I was soothed by a visit from the doctor who assured my that the reaction to the anti-sickness drug was not an unusual reaction and it was related to the drug rather than my general condition.
I was not in great physical shape yesterday and not particularly inclined to eat or drink due to the smells of the environment, which just made me weaker. However, I got through it and had one bag of blood, marched off for radiotherapy and then came back for another two and a half hours for another bag. As soon as I got home I was able to eat.
This something that you or eye would do without batting an eyelid under normal circumstances, but things have weighed on me both physically and mentally over the last couple of weeks. It's real. I've lost 8lbs (3.5kg in that time) but free fall doesn't last for ever and I will spend the weekend making sure that I get myself on an even keel.
I have been get yet more medicine to help the eating process. There is an anaesthetic for the oesophagus to be taken before meals, if necessary, and liquid anti-sickness to be taken twice a day to get on top of the constant nausea.
It is times like these i.e. where there is a constant decline where the spirit is tested but I intend to be equal to it. I have plenty of inner resource and plenty of support around me (he says as he watches his mother mop the kitchen floor!)
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