Update - Both Exoteric and Esoteric

This instalment covers a spectrum from Mad Canadians to blood transfusions.

Yesterday, I got the results of my latest blood tests and the trend of my haemoglobin levels has continued downwards.

Now that I am considerably below the preferable minimum for radiotherapy (actual 11 vs minimum 12) there is no alternative but to having a blood transfusion.

I cannot put forward a logical argument for not having one but, on an emotional level I just don't like the idea.  Nevertheless it is the bigger picture that is important.

Given that I am not particularly happy about it the timing of the transfusion is impeccable.  It will take place on my birthday next week, one day after my latest session of intravenous chemotherapy.  They really know how to pile it on considering that I also had chemotherapy on my daughter's birthday but, as usual, I will shrug my shoulders and walk though it.  Perhaps of greater concern is waiting that long for the transfusion with the count being low.  The Marsden are looking to see if they can get an earlier appointment for me.

Given the load that is coming my way around my birthday I will be looking to celebrate quietly on Sunday to ensure that the day is free from hospital appointments and full of happiness.

So that leaves Mad Canadians.  I had the pleasure of being treated by said man on what I envisage as a course of treatment.  The Mad Canadian is fresh back from his family holidays in his motherland and he has embraced the wide open spaces and nature of the place.  Looking suitably rejuvenated I am certainly hoping that he can pass some of that on to me.

At this stage my body is being hammered by the treatments and I feel that it is important to keep myself as vital as possible in a physical, mental and an emotional sense.  My family and friend and I all help in this respect but it is also good to have assistance with someone where there is an easy rapport and where there is a variety of skill sets on hand.

The gloves are off and apart from giving my back a thorough and testy manipulation there was some digging deeper between the banter.

I feel that I am fairly adept at keeping myself on an even keel and I have a go forward approach that doesn't allow me to dwell on what is happening too much. There are, of course, moments and passages of play when I feel  the gravity of what is happening.  Moments can be simple things like closely shared times with the children.  Those give me an instant window in what I will lose if things go "pear-shaped" on me.  Then there are phases such as when I didn't know whether treatment would remain on a curative platform. These create which insecurity which is not self-induced simply because there are a number of directions that the experience could pull in, without an input or control from me.

Of course there are emotional currents that underpin these. Whilst I don't analyse or dwell on this it is obvious to the observer that they will eventually "pop out".  A good example would be the back.  Other than by accidental injury I have only had three occasions when my back has "gone"

• The first was on a day when an ex-partner came pick up the rest of her stuff from my place on the same day as my parents moved back to Wales for good
• The second was near the beginning of this current process
• The third was a couple of weeks ago on that day of madness where the projected treatment was all over the place but ended up being my first day of radiotherapy and a new cycle if chemotherapy

Without any associated accident it is easy to see why I feel that these back problems, which span close to 15 years and which are few and far between must have some kind of link to the emotions. 

The very fact that I am writing about this probably articulates that I consider these things more that most men do but it is difficult to know how to digger deeper into them more than I already do.  This is what the Mad Canadian and I discussed for a while i.e. not holding onto the emotional issues which an illness like this causes.

When I am pumped full of steroids at the beginning of chemotherapy cycles I have moments when I feel outright anger but there must be a control of that because released unchecked it can be very destructive, as most know.

So I am considering channels to tap in deeper and an obvious for me is to dust down the decks and get mixing music once more.  There is a connection when working with music that requires a concentration and a dynamism that is based on what you feel rather than what you think.  Performance magnifies this due to the pressure that you work under, but simply exploring this therapeutic channel may pay dividends.

Then there is the poetry, which I haven't really explored for years.  It accesses a deeper and more philosophical element of my thought process; slightly deeper than rugby, football, food, sex and beer, anyway.

It is difficult for me to talk about how I feel because there are only moments when the gravity of my situation stares me in the face and there is an acceptance from me that I can only do my best.  So, in all honesty I do not really feel a lot, at least not on a superficial day to day level.  Clearly, I am open about what is happening to me but I always believe in taking advice when it resonates with me.

With all this in mind I will be trying to find ways of engaging on a more emotional than logical level, but there is little chance of me dwelling too much, I would rather search for moments of happiness that I can share with those close to me.  They are a great release in themself.