Yo Yo - Check Mate?

After a bad day yesterday I have been fine again today.  I seem to be "yo yoing" a little, but have tried to make sure that I am not overdoing it today.

It isn't always simple to map the days because I have spent another three hours up the hospital again today having a CT scan and having an ECG for my heart.

I did a couple of hours work this morning but, feeling well, the whole experience has been much less stressful and much more tolerable.

With hospital experiences I normally am well prepared, stoical and organised and so I was today.

In the interests of the honesty that I try and permeate this blog with though, my hospital experience is starting to become slightly surreal.  This is my third time around the block for treatment at Royal Marsden.  The first was chemotherapy to get me to theatre for curative surgery.  The second was another throw of the die with added radiotherapy because the first did not work.  This, the third, is to try and prolong the end game.

It is surreal to look in on the Medical Day Unit room with everyone on the chemotherapy machines, drip dripping and most of them on earlier phases and still full of hope.

For me I have the friends of support and compassion that everyone gives me and the hope of recovery that would equate to the greatest escape since that of Lazarus.

The object of this is not an exercise in self-pity but just to give a window of the other side of how it feels.  I still have all the positive feelings that the drug (if I get it in a 50% placebo trial) will do me some good and improve both my quality and quantity of life.  I am still driven by that positivity, but I still feel the darker feelings too.  That is only natural.