this is us

It has been a little over 5 months since Swordfish passed away. Our home is a very empty place without his huge personality but it is also filled with the memories of a wonderful husband and father.

The children and I still take every day as it comes. We expect nothing and if all we achieve is a knowing look or a smile then we have gained.

I often drift back to the blog and read entries from various stages and tonight I was drawn to the last three before he died. I don't know how we had the strength to continue as we did as a family but somehow, we managed. And so on days like today, when I want to curl up and forget about everyone, I must take courage from my own words and remind myself that we can get through each day. No matter how hard or bewildering it may be.

Boogle Bunny turned 10 years old a few weeks ago and she has grown in strength and determination so much. There have been a few rocky times and very confused times but to her credit she has continued to develope into a wonderful, caring, funny and sensible young girl. I should really add occasionally stroppy but I won't!

Hufty was 7 back in May and through the last few months has shown very little change in his cheery personality and dispotition. He has always been sensitive in nature and this side has been slightly more noticable. He had a sad week recently but those times will come and they they will pass. Until the next time.

Their daddy would be immensly proud of both children.

We have moments when we cry together and moments alone. We laugh, perhaps not as much as we used to but there are many fabulous memories of Swordfish that we are able to share together.

Friends have as always been amazing and I am so very grateful to so many.

We mananged a holiday in May which was a much needed distraction and rest. We - just the 3 of us - went to our favourite island Ibiza. A few people questioned my choice, concerned that memories would be too painful. It was completely the opposite. I took great comfort from going somewhere special, that I knew very well and I was able to show the children many places and share stories of our time together both as a family and before, as a couple. Naturally, there were a couple of tearful moments but I think they would have occured anywhere.

I am yet to have any length of time on my own, away from the Boogle and the Hufty. I do feel like it's time that I did. I don't really know how I will feel. They are my reason to get up every day. But I must find some space for myself which I am not so good at doing. I am very scared that I will get everything wrong. What if I let my children down? It is a huge responsibility being a parent and being a parent alone, in grief, is particulrly tough.

I just want to make Swordfish proud.
I want to remember what it feels like to be happy for more than a brief moment.

Thank You

I just wanted to say thank ou to everyone who has sent their well wishes, kind words and thoughts. The children and I take each day as it comes. Some are good and some not so great. As a family we all grieve differently, sometimes together and sometimes on our own. Children grieve so very differently to adults and our two show their sorrow in their own individual way. We talk and share our thoughts all the time. We share our tears and laughter. Swordfish was an amazing person with a huge peronality and we are able to share so many stories and memories; these help with those sad moments. I recently had my birthday and that had moments of incredible sorrow but we managed to have a super day out together. So many friends have donated to the hospice that took great care of Swordfish - thank you so very much. The doctors and nurses there are very special people. I have been asked to give the Just Giving link; a friend of our is cycling from London to Paris and asked if he could ride in memory of Swordfish and donate the sponsorship to the hospice. The link www.justgiving.com/justin-dennis39 Think good thoughts every day dear friends xx

Cader Idris - An Invitation

I wonder if you would take a moment to read the entry

'at the peak - time to descent' dated Sat 8th May 2010

Cader Idris was a very special place to Swordfish and in this posting he mentioned a desire to return to Cader Idris when 'the dragon was slain'.

I would like to continue this wish - even though it will be under different circumstances.

I feel this would be the perfect resting place for Swordfish - a home coming unlike any other.

His wish was for anyone to join him on the journey and to share a pint. I too would like to extend this wish to you all.

Swordfish celebrated his birthday on August 19th. I am hoping to make the journey to scatter his ashes around this date. I will post final details at a later date.

You are all most welcome.

The dragon was mightier than the sword but the passion and the spirit will shine forever.

The Day That Was

Monday 7th March 2011

A very dear friend left a message on facebook saying

'We all came to see you today old friend,you must have been blown away! For we gathered in our hundreds, on this saddest of days, to pay our immense respect,to say our goodbye and although you have gone old friend,the memories will never die. xxx'

I could not have said it any better myself.

There were beautiful words spoken with dignity by family and friends, poetry written by Swordfish many years ago, read out by those very close - even Boogle Bunny managed to read in front of so many. Hufty's loving words were read by Teach.

Thank you all.

I keep trying to write words to express my feelings but I am not able to put them into any form.

All I can say is that the love was there for all to see and the sun shone beautifully all day.

I will miss you forever my darling husband and best friend. xxx

Share the moment.....

Firstly, may I say a very big thank you to everyone who has left thoughts and comments. Our families have been deeply touched and comforted by them all. I keep reading them regularly - thank you.

This week has been a blurr of activities based around arrangements of the funeral. It has been arranged for Monday 7th March at 12.30pm.

Swordfish wasn't particularly religious but he was highly spiritual and I hope I have created a ceremony that is fitting.

I would like to ask you all to share the occasion by taking a moment on Monday to stop and think a while about someone past or present who has touched your lives as Swordfish did to me.

There will be a lot of love floating around that day xxx

Wednesday 23rd February 2011

It is with deepest sorrow that I write to say that my darling Swordfish passed away this morning.

It was peaceful and I was with him all night.

I will write on the blog again in a few days time.

I don't know what else to say right now.

xxx Kitten

the next stage

Over the last few days there have been many ups and downs.

Swordfish has had moments of appearing bright and relaxed and moments of feeling very troubled. There have been tender moments and typical Swordfish moments of calling out the best travel route back to the office to his collegues who dropped by.

However, the overall picture is one of rapid deterioration. Last week he spoke of feeling comfortable both physically and emotionally, content in his environment. Today was very different. He managed to convey with difficulty how frustrated he is with the confusion he has, how uncomfortable he feels emotionally and he spoke of intense physical pain throughout his body.

Pain is something he has never suffered with to the degree he mentioned today. Even up to yesterday he managed to tell me there was little pain.

This pain may be physical but it appears far deeper than that; an emotional pain that no one should feel nor witness.

Following his fall he has had problems getting in and out of bed and this morning he said he didn't think he could do that anymore.

A lengthy discussion with the wonderful doctors led to a joint decision by them, myself and his parents that sedation would be the gentle way to control his symptoms and relieve his discomfort and anxiety. He sleeps most of his time, waking sometimes with a smile that will warm anyones heart. But there is so much we don't see.

I want him to feel relaxed, at ease if that is at all possible.

And so he gently sleeps, aware we are with him, holding hands and talking softly.

I will update again xx

a short message

Swordfish has asked me to write a short blog entry. These are his words.

I am sorry for the lack of entries to the blog recently.

I am very weak now and my capacity to concentrate is very limited. This is down to both the drugs and the progression of the disease.

Kitten and I will endeavour to write a blog together in the next couple of days.

update from kitten

Swordfish has been at the hospice since Tuesday.

The care he is receiving is superb. The staff are understanding, compassionate and flexible without being overbearing or authoritative.

They listen so well and have as much time for you as you need. They support all of us equally and I am humbled.

The main objective was to help Swordfish become more comfortable with the medication he is taking. Each medicine has an effect and a side effect; so, often a further medicine is required!
The syringe driven meds seem to be helping with the sickness but he is so much weaker than last week.

Some of the meds are making him very drowsy during they day. His parents and I have sat with him for many hours over the past few days and he has slept gently for much of this time. Having said that, some of the time he has been more than capable of managing his conversations with the doctors and deciding on treatments.

As the liver is diseased and where it is situated below the diaphragm, Swordfish has been subjected to long bouts of hard hiccups. Two nights ago the lasted over 4 hours. They are very painful and constant. And probably very tiring too.

Unfortunately, just to add to the discomfort, Swordfish took a fall in the early hours one morning. He simply lost his footing and fell onto his right side. The ribs and probably the liver have taken a fair knock and so now, of course, there is medication for the pain. Anyone who has ever had a bump to the ribs will appreciate the discomfort.

His food intake is very little although at times he says he has an appetite but what ever he eats doesn't satisfy. The staff made a strawberry milkshake with Nesquick and ice cream this evening which went down very nicely though.

I left him dozing in the knowledge that he is in good hands, well loved and Wales beat Scotland in the rugby. We had the match on in his room and he did manage a glimpse or two as the Welsh scored.

I will continue to keep you all informed and I apologise if I ramble.

In the Hospice

I've been in the hospice for a day and am getting used to it.

I've been having plenty of visitors, especially as my parents arrived from Wales yesterday.  Tricky Crow, Dumbledore, Gandalf and Bee were also weekend visitors as well as the omnipresent Notoplip.

The main  purpose of being here is to make me more comfortable with the combination of medicines that are being administered and for that purpose they will be keeping me in for anything up to a week.  This is mainly to work on sickness medicine and night time medicine.

It will be interesting to see the results.

The staff are fantastic and I have also been joined today by my GP.