Starting A Process of Reconciliation

When you get news like we had on Monday there are people that you have to relate it too before you have even managed to process it fully yourself.

Firstly, there are calls to be made to very close relatives and friends and I also try and blog news as quickly as possible because all of my family except my sister live in South Wales.  All of Kitten's family are based outside London too.

On Monday my parents had come to town to offer their support regardless of the news and hence our visit to see them in the evening.

Yesterday provided the first opportunity to reflect.  My parents were amongst the visitors and I was good to be able to spend time with them after the shock of the previous day and before their lunchtime journey home.  I had lots of well wishes to reply too and my apologies for not replying on an individual basis to the comments on the blog.  It is suffice to say that I am touched deeply by the affection and concern that has been showed to me.

Although I was prepared for bad news on Monday the worst that I was expecting was that the cancer could have become metastatic (secondary).  I had factored this in because I could not reconcile all of my recent symptoms to the the treatment process.  Having factored that I thought that it could not be any worse because that alone would have meant that there was no hope of cure for me through conventional channels.  So my surprise was based in how much the cancer had advanced in the face of rigorous treatment.  It is the pace of its progress which is so concerning.

It was said to me when discussing palliative options that it is up to me to call the shots now and I have to make some quick decisions.  I have already decided to go ahead with the stent option because that is an obvious potential way in which to make immediate improvements.  The possibility of being able to eat some semi-solid food seems very attractive now even if it takes a piece of spring metal to be permanently sited in my body to achieve it.  I also have to decide within the next couple of days whether to participate in a chemotherapy trial.

I am yet to read the literature on the chemotherapy trial, but should stress that it is to improve quality and quantity of life rather than being cure focused.  It is also a randomised trial, so there is a fifty percent chance that I will receive a placebo even if I enter the trial.

There have also been a number of kind suggestions from people, all of which I will look into and I will also do my own research.  I haven't ever researched the treatment of this cancer at this stage of development, simply because I decided that it was only worth doing if I arrived at this point.

The most important  thing to me at this point is to get myself out of the mindset of the hospital process as quickly as possible.  It would foolish to deny the severity of my position because if I were to continue as if everything is fine I could be missing the opportunity to get the best out of my life.   This is where the balance needs to be struck and Kitten and I will find that balance as the dust settles.

First off though there is the issue of the stenting process tomorrow, should my cancer nurse be able to coordinate the two hospitals and transport that must be arranged in time for the event.  I must also attend the hospital today for some pre-procedure blood tests.

There really isn't any peace for the wicked, is there?

What weighs most heavily for me is the impact of all this upon my children.  When we visited Notoplip and Sushi on Monday I was talking to Notoplip about my children and I started to cry.  This was the first time that I have been able to shed tears throughout the whole process.  I often well up when talking about my children in this respect or just when they sit with me and praise me but I always "pull myself together".  I do this because it is in my nature not because it is contrived.  I am sure that if I was drinking alcohol then I would have cracked on a number of occasions before.

The fact is that no parent ever wants to say goodbye to their children, especially before their children have grown up and I will be doing my level best to preserve not only my relationship with them but also everyone else.