Battling away

When I started the blog I said that I did not see my journey through cancer as being a "fight" against the illness.

My rationale was that the illness is part of me and I cannot be fighting myself.

I am still of that opinion but, what I have found is that, there are battles to be fought along the way (such as with the blood transfusion and last round of chemotherapy) and that there are periods (such as the last ten weeks), which have become a constant battle.

The battle in the last 10 weeks or so has seemed as being never-ending and the problems have been largely caused by the treatment.  It is a moot point as to whether I am battling the disease or battling the treatment.  The salient point is that I am really having to dig in.

The most recent obstacle is that since my cold of last week swallowing has been very difficult without the food becoming stuck.  This applies to liquid form as well as slightly heavier foods such as rice pudding.  There are nasty side effects to this but the primary issue of concern is that I have lost weight.  I have lost about five or six pounds in the last week and it is weight that I can ill-afford to lose.

The last place I want to be is to be considered to be operable from the viewpoint of the cancer but not to be operable because of the weight loss.

The net result is that through the difficulty of eating I am virtually force feeding myself, but it is difficult to get through a meal without being ill.  I am currently eating lots of small meals and just keeping it going.

It would be nice to think that conditions will soon be back to pre-cold conditions of early next week, but I am not counting on it.

When I come to the scan there are no guarantees that the results will be favourable and it must be remembered that I started the whole process as a borderline case and also only sneaked in for the latest round of treatment rather than being considered a palliative case. 

What I can do is hold my head high and be proud that I have done everything in my power to get myself to the operating table and on to cure.  I have changed elements of my behaviour, habits and anything else you care to mention to achieve success for the best of reasons.

The outcome is "in the lap of the gods", but I hope that I have at least given them something to think about and I will be happy with even a marginal nod of approval from them.