Love is the Chosen Currency

Apart from coming to terms with the physical challenges of the last week the most important item on the agenda has been to determine how we move forward.

What is so difficult is that although I know that my disease has progressed substantially over the last short period I do not know how long I will be here for and what degree of physical deterioriation there will be and over what time period.

I have to be optimistic but I also have to get my house in order and front load everything because one has to assume that my I will be physically better at the beginning of the journey.

Many people have asked me about things that I would like to do and I am being perfectly honest when I say that there isn't really much that I want to do.  The reason for this is that the things that have always been special to me are shared and often spontaneous moments rather than planned experiences.  However, as I am feeling better each day I realise that planning and sharing experiences will be very worthwhile.

I have always been a loving and caring person, but that isn't necessarily immediately noticeable.  Anger and perceived injustice have always been huge driving forces for me and without them I would be completely bone idle. Of course, I have worked to smooth my personality as I have got older but I have always been someone who reflects and listens but also someone who appears to be very opinionated and preferring to talk when in the moment.

The point of this ramble is that I somehow feel released from my life-long personality challenges.  I know that everyone is on my side and the generosity of spirit is palpable.  The comments on the blog (from those  not frightened of computers), the phone calls, text messages, emails and visits all make me feel warm and keep my spirit high.  The currency that I am dealing in is no longer the struggle of the provider and striver it now becomes the gift of being able to share my love.

I have been busying myself all week getting my head around the logistics of the future and there will be both work and financial conversations taking place next week.  If you told me for definite that I had three months to live then  I would only consider working in a capacity to help hand over my responsibilities, but otherwise there needs to be a balance struck.  After all we have young children who benefit from the routine of going to school each day and the general stability that family life affords them.

If there are things that I would like to do for myself then they are simple things like going to a concert or show at the Albert Hall.  I view places like the Albert Hall as places of great spirit and I like the fact that it is circular.  To witness something in the round there would be the ultimate.  Similarly, I have not been to the Globe theatre, but that will have to wait until April as it is now closed for the winter.  When considering other more exotic things then my physical condition must also be brought into consideration.  I am still in reasonable nick but heavy physical exercise is out of the question.
 
Then it comes to the main agenda, which is family and friends.  The focus must start with children, Kitten and the parents and then my close family and close friends.  As my children are still young it is less important to me to focus on events than it is to leave them with a feeling of who I am.   Whilst I say that events are less important they are still pivotal and a holiday would be top of most peoples' agenda.  There is perhaps a limit to what I can do because being abroad and being caught by the condition would be a bad place to be.  The travelling would be very difficult too, especially as we are now in the winter months which narrows the options if looking for sun.  There are other options to consider though.

What I would really like to do is to live a relaxed but active life and it is far easier to be relaxed when the veil of hope provided by medical treatment has been removed.  In fact I wish that I had been able to live with such a mindset throughout my adult life.  I guess that we all struggle and some level though and that must be considered healthy, otherwise we are not motivated to move forward.

My personality will not change substantially, it is the  skin which I have grown into.  The humour will be as dark and acerbic as usual, but the love that I feel for life and for people can now take a more prominent position on the stage.  I fail to see any negatives in that.