Positive Thinking

When you have a serious illness such as cancer the phrase that gets wheeled out the most is that you "have to think positively".

Some people say it because they don't know what else to say, some people say it with a conviction that borders on a crusade and some to lift you when they can see that you are struggling.

I am a lucky person,  not just because of the strong network of support that I have around me but also because I am surrounded by open people.  Being surrounded by open people means that they do not feel uncomfortable knowing that I am ill and they communicate freely with me.  There is little sense of stigma around me and there is a generosity of spirit which is not implied because individuals express it freely whether with words, hugs or by deliberately trying to incentivize me.

We live in different times to thirty or forty years ago when the the "Big C" was something that was whispered much like Lord Voldermort is in the Harry Potter franchise.   That was because of both different attitudes prevailing in society and because there was less hope of cure from even non-advanced states of the disease.

I am a positive person by my nature but I am also pragmatic.  I have spent my working lifetime solving problems and realising that they don't get solved by thinking positively about them.  More often they get solved by hard graft, determination and creative solution.  Having said that, one cannot solve anything without  having the desire and belief that it can be done.

The type of cancer I have is a pernicious and voracious one.  Having failed to be suitable for surgery after the standard treatment it is clear that the odds are not stacked in my favour.  Having been a borderline case to start with I was reclassified as a "locally advanced" case and that isn't the sort of language that one wants to hear.

When I was going through the standard chemotherapy treatment I was breezing it.  I was being told how well  I was doing, not just by the people around me but also people at the hospital.  I was praised for my positive approach and my willingness to engage with the process and my level of understanding.  Inside I was happy to feel comfortable that I would have an operation, more chemotherapy and then I would be better.  It would be a bad year and nothing more.

That wasn't an effort to think positively it was simply how I felt.

Then came the shock.  No operation and a week of deliberation as to whether there was prospect of any further treatment.

Positive thinking is of benefit but it does not cure a rampant cancer.  The stage and type of disease and the body's ability to rebound are all factors.

In this second stage of treatment I have been utterly hammered, which is what I thought I was originally in for.   There have been so many difficulties to deal with and there is no doubt that it has challenged my spirit.  I have felt helpless, hopeless and just plain fatigued physically, mentally and emotionally.

Regardless of the duress I have been under, it is in my nature to believe that somehow I will pull through.  The difficult times have called me to question that but whilst there is still a decent shred of hope I will continue to believe it.

The odd thing is that having had a difficult time I am more optimistic about the outcome because I have little expectation.  There are still doubts though primarily because of the symptoms I have been experiencing.  There is nothing to stop this cancer going secondary whilst I am waiting.  That has been clearly spelled out for  me and the symptoms I have been experiencing in my stomach would cause worry for the most evangelistic positive thinker.

I remain pragmatic.  This treatment was billed as the last throw of the dice and I hope that I have enough luck to pull me through.

If I can come through and be fit for surgery then there is still a gruelling road ahead, but one that will once again be filled with optimism.  Optimism, positive thinking (call it what you want) makes the load feel much lighter but the darker days broaden one's horizons and are the essence of the journey.