A Year On...

A year has passed; at times it can seem like a lifetime or just a few moments.

The children and I continue on our daily challenges with thoughts of a loving Daddy or dearest husband never far from our minds. It seems we are on the rollercoaster of life which sometimes slows down but more often that not gathers great momentum when least expected.

Boogle Bunny is in her final year of primary school with the school selection process complete and we are just days away from finding out if she has gained a place in her first choice of secondary school; I never envisaged making such decisions as a lone parent - it is most certainly not easy and Swordfish had such a methodical and pragmatic way of thinking. I really miss his input and opinions.
Boogle has struggled a huge amount over the last year with many peaks and troughs. She is very emotional, determind, headstrong and outspoken - just like her daddy - but I have sought help from different places and both she and I have been given a massive amount of support, help and advise. It is exhausting to deal with a child's emotions and grief whilst managing ones own too.

Hufty continues in his usual manner. Nothing much changed initially but in the last few months he has shown more anger. His nature is very different to his sister's and although difficult at times, he has been easier to manage, direct and comfort. Being younger, perhaps he is more accepting of my words and advise.

No one writes a book on what to do or say, no one comes in and waves a wand over everything.
Dealing with this last year has been the hardest thing I have every had to do and I know I have made many mistakes but I hope I have learnt a lot about myself and about what is important in life. Now I just need to find the emotional strength and physical determination to see it through.

Thank you all for your continuing support. It has been very hard to write this update as the blog, well, it was Swordfish. Does that make sense?

Swordfish is always in my mind and will forever be in my heart.

19th August 2011

Yesterday we met at the riverside to say our farewell to Swordfish.

The sun shone beautifully.

I found a poem which I felt defined many a thought and feeling.

'You can shed tears that he is gone
or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you cannot see him
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he has gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.'


The children and I sat by the water's edge and scattered his ashes into the water and our small gathering of family and friends put beautiful red roses into the river.

There were tears, a few jolly memories but above all much love for someone so special.

The river holds many memories and now it will grow bigger and more proud as it carries Swordfish away onto his next journey.

Scattering Ashes

I wrote an entry regarding a trip to Wales to scatter ashes. I must let you know that this has now changed.

After long deliberation, I have decided against a trip back to Wales for many personal reasons which I won't go into. Needless to say the decision has been very difficult as Swordfish had not made clear his wish for his ashes to be scattered in one particular place.

We have decided to visit the river Thames for a private, family occasion on 19th August which would have been Swordfish's 46th birthday. I don't think any one of us wants to do this and the children are struggling with the thought of letting go. Boogle Bunny especially. There will be no right way to perform the scattering, no right words to say. Just a group of people sharing their love and their loss of such a wonderful man.

I would like to thank you all for your wonderful messages of support and love. Knowing that we are thought of and watched over by so many is a great comfort.

So if you have a moment to stop, a thought or words to say, please do so on Friday 19th August and tell the people closest to you that you love them.

Time is precious.

this is us

It has been a little over 5 months since Swordfish passed away. Our home is a very empty place without his huge personality but it is also filled with the memories of a wonderful husband and father.

The children and I still take every day as it comes. We expect nothing and if all we achieve is a knowing look or a smile then we have gained.

I often drift back to the blog and read entries from various stages and tonight I was drawn to the last three before he died. I don't know how we had the strength to continue as we did as a family but somehow, we managed. And so on days like today, when I want to curl up and forget about everyone, I must take courage from my own words and remind myself that we can get through each day. No matter how hard or bewildering it may be.

Boogle Bunny turned 10 years old a few weeks ago and she has grown in strength and determination so much. There have been a few rocky times and very confused times but to her credit she has continued to develope into a wonderful, caring, funny and sensible young girl. I should really add occasionally stroppy but I won't!

Hufty was 7 back in May and through the last few months has shown very little change in his cheery personality and dispotition. He has always been sensitive in nature and this side has been slightly more noticable. He had a sad week recently but those times will come and they they will pass. Until the next time.

Their daddy would be immensly proud of both children.

We have moments when we cry together and moments alone. We laugh, perhaps not as much as we used to but there are many fabulous memories of Swordfish that we are able to share together.

Friends have as always been amazing and I am so very grateful to so many.

We mananged a holiday in May which was a much needed distraction and rest. We - just the 3 of us - went to our favourite island Ibiza. A few people questioned my choice, concerned that memories would be too painful. It was completely the opposite. I took great comfort from going somewhere special, that I knew very well and I was able to show the children many places and share stories of our time together both as a family and before, as a couple. Naturally, there were a couple of tearful moments but I think they would have occured anywhere.

I am yet to have any length of time on my own, away from the Boogle and the Hufty. I do feel like it's time that I did. I don't really know how I will feel. They are my reason to get up every day. But I must find some space for myself which I am not so good at doing. I am very scared that I will get everything wrong. What if I let my children down? It is a huge responsibility being a parent and being a parent alone, in grief, is particulrly tough.

I just want to make Swordfish proud.
I want to remember what it feels like to be happy for more than a brief moment.

Thank You

I just wanted to say thank ou to everyone who has sent their well wishes, kind words and thoughts. The children and I take each day as it comes. Some are good and some not so great. As a family we all grieve differently, sometimes together and sometimes on our own. Children grieve so very differently to adults and our two show their sorrow in their own individual way. We talk and share our thoughts all the time. We share our tears and laughter. Swordfish was an amazing person with a huge peronality and we are able to share so many stories and memories; these help with those sad moments. I recently had my birthday and that had moments of incredible sorrow but we managed to have a super day out together. So many friends have donated to the hospice that took great care of Swordfish - thank you so very much. The doctors and nurses there are very special people. I have been asked to give the Just Giving link; a friend of our is cycling from London to Paris and asked if he could ride in memory of Swordfish and donate the sponsorship to the hospice. The link www.justgiving.com/justin-dennis39 Think good thoughts every day dear friends xx

Cader Idris - An Invitation

I wonder if you would take a moment to read the entry

'at the peak - time to descent' dated Sat 8th May 2010

Cader Idris was a very special place to Swordfish and in this posting he mentioned a desire to return to Cader Idris when 'the dragon was slain'.

I would like to continue this wish - even though it will be under different circumstances.

I feel this would be the perfect resting place for Swordfish - a home coming unlike any other.

His wish was for anyone to join him on the journey and to share a pint. I too would like to extend this wish to you all.

Swordfish celebrated his birthday on August 19th. I am hoping to make the journey to scatter his ashes around this date. I will post final details at a later date.

You are all most welcome.

The dragon was mightier than the sword but the passion and the spirit will shine forever.

The Day That Was

Monday 7th March 2011

A very dear friend left a message on facebook saying

'We all came to see you today old friend,you must have been blown away! For we gathered in our hundreds, on this saddest of days, to pay our immense respect,to say our goodbye and although you have gone old friend,the memories will never die. xxx'

I could not have said it any better myself.

There were beautiful words spoken with dignity by family and friends, poetry written by Swordfish many years ago, read out by those very close - even Boogle Bunny managed to read in front of so many. Hufty's loving words were read by Teach.

Thank you all.

I keep trying to write words to express my feelings but I am not able to put them into any form.

All I can say is that the love was there for all to see and the sun shone beautifully all day.

I will miss you forever my darling husband and best friend. xxx

Share the moment.....

Firstly, may I say a very big thank you to everyone who has left thoughts and comments. Our families have been deeply touched and comforted by them all. I keep reading them regularly - thank you.

This week has been a blurr of activities based around arrangements of the funeral. It has been arranged for Monday 7th March at 12.30pm.

Swordfish wasn't particularly religious but he was highly spiritual and I hope I have created a ceremony that is fitting.

I would like to ask you all to share the occasion by taking a moment on Monday to stop and think a while about someone past or present who has touched your lives as Swordfish did to me.

There will be a lot of love floating around that day xxx

Wednesday 23rd February 2011

It is with deepest sorrow that I write to say that my darling Swordfish passed away this morning.

It was peaceful and I was with him all night.

I will write on the blog again in a few days time.

I don't know what else to say right now.

xxx Kitten

the next stage

Over the last few days there have been many ups and downs.

Swordfish has had moments of appearing bright and relaxed and moments of feeling very troubled. There have been tender moments and typical Swordfish moments of calling out the best travel route back to the office to his collegues who dropped by.

However, the overall picture is one of rapid deterioration. Last week he spoke of feeling comfortable both physically and emotionally, content in his environment. Today was very different. He managed to convey with difficulty how frustrated he is with the confusion he has, how uncomfortable he feels emotionally and he spoke of intense physical pain throughout his body.

Pain is something he has never suffered with to the degree he mentioned today. Even up to yesterday he managed to tell me there was little pain.

This pain may be physical but it appears far deeper than that; an emotional pain that no one should feel nor witness.

Following his fall he has had problems getting in and out of bed and this morning he said he didn't think he could do that anymore.

A lengthy discussion with the wonderful doctors led to a joint decision by them, myself and his parents that sedation would be the gentle way to control his symptoms and relieve his discomfort and anxiety. He sleeps most of his time, waking sometimes with a smile that will warm anyones heart. But there is so much we don't see.

I want him to feel relaxed, at ease if that is at all possible.

And so he gently sleeps, aware we are with him, holding hands and talking softly.

I will update again xx