Fear

Whilst I have considered the trauma that the operation brings it doesn't bring much fear.

The only fears (except one) that I have are fears that would be normal with any surgery and these are largely overridden by my desire to get on with things.

The issue of fear is a recurring theme for those close to me who want to scrape deeper, so I will try and be as open and honest as possible here.

The anaesthetic always gives me a little cause for concern because this is always a dangerous aspect of surgery, I have read that it is an issue with the type of surgery that I will undergo (The Ivor Lewis Oesophagectomy).  I am always a little apprehensive about anaesthetic for the obvious reason that there is a possibility that I could be "lost", but any apprehension is diluted by the fact that I am in the very best hands.  The fact that I have already undergone an anaesthetic at the same hospital in March gives me extra reassurance.

There is a little fear that the operation won't be successful; not in terms of removing the cancer but in terms of getting me back together.  That is the most difficult part of the surgery and the one prone to the most likelihood of failure.  Again, I am comforted by having the very best team of surgeons.  My attitude is that if they can't manage it then I was f****** anyway.  That may be blunt but it should be put into context that I have the mindset that I have been given another shot at life, as if my tumour had not been discovered when it was then I would probably have been a write off.

I don't fear any pain because I know that this will be transient and that I will be receiving good "pain management".

So what do I fear?

There is a weakness in my psyche and this was borne of my experience with the first endoscopy I had. I elected to have it without any anaesthetic.  I did so whilst not knowing that I had a large tumour for the tube to navigate.  It wasn't a pleasant experience and I had to fight feeling that had the potential to develop into a panic attack during the process. I took the same fear into the endoscopic ultrasound which was a similar but more intrusive process but with the glory of pethidine. So what is spooking me, not the large endoscopy tube but the a 5mm tube from my nose to my stomach for a few days after the operation.

I probably won't even feel it but I don't want to because I don't want to invoke my previous experiences.

The truth is that this is the least of my worries, but the mind can be a curious thing.  Naturally, I am resigned to dealing with this head on and when I get there I probably won't even notice it.  However, I may not have seen the end of the endoscopy tube, as I believe that it can be used a number of times to stretch the oesophagus months after the operation, if scar tissue restricts the passage.

Best get used to it.