A Change of Mood

Personally, I feel much more comfortable after today's meeting.

The inference is that there is only a deviation from a curative approach if the illness has shown signs of moving outside the confines of control and the net of suggested control has widened.

Despite the fact that a combination of chemotherapy and radiotherapy would be "heavy artillery", I feel that if there is any doubt about surgery now then that would be my preferred option.  It won't be a pleasant option but in some situations it is necessary to fight fire with fire.  I haven't suffered enormously with chemotherapy and I am willing to take on real discomfort for the potential of a real result, though I would have preferred the easier option that seemed to exist a few days ago

Kitten is more apprehensive than me and does not enjoy the wait for a CT scan that has not taken place yet. The fact that the team will discuss my case on Friday afternoon but we will not be advised until Monday afternoon makes it more difficult for her. Of course, I will be apprehensive too, but whilst my optimism has returned I am always aware that there is no guarantee of a happy ending.   It is this awareness that keeps me focused, keeps me moving forward and means that the environment can't keep me down for anything other than short periods.  Bad moments are like "going to the well" to draw energy.

My calf strain is pretty much under control and there was a visit to the Mad Canadian for treatment before my visit to the Marsden.  Apart from treating my leg, he is very helpful in enabling me to retain my focus.  He was generous with his time in working on the tinnitus and some routine maintenance of the neck.  My leg is feeling quite good now and so I will get back in the gym, though I will avoid running.  If radiotherapy is part of the equation then I think it unlikely that I will be seeing to much of the gym in the near future but I plan to keep as active as possible in any eventuality.

The blogs I have written over the last few days convey the uncertainty that can arise if you are in this situation. Events having taken me to seeming certainty of surgery to the potential of only palliative care in very little time.  It is nigh on impossible to micro manage the mood, so that it doesn't dip and it is natural to feel the uncertainty, but it is also helpful to feel more comfortable ground.