Emotional Impact

A few people have suggested, or said directly, that they think "I am putting on a front" or not being entirely open with my emotions.  The latter comment comes from Kitten, so it is worthy of consideration and discussion.  We had a chat about this last night.

The fact is that whilst I am by nature somewhat volatile, I have worked hard in the last 15 years or so to control and understand my temperament (with a degree but by no means complete success!).  When you are "in moment" your nature takes the ascendency, which explains why so many people behave like animals behind a steering wheel.

Where I believe that my temperament has always been sound, and where it continues to improve, is how I control my behaviour when the stakes are high.  In these situations I feel that my understanding of my own behaviour helps me to keep calm.

The situation I find myself in is beyond my control, so there are a number of things that I can do to keep focused and calm.

Friday, is a big day for me.  Whilst I expect to gain a clearer picture of where I am, I do not have an expection of guaranteed answers. It may be that I have to wait until surgery.  The way I approach this is simply to manage my expectations.

I have an underlying belief that I will come through the illness and that is a good starting point.  I also accept that the road to recovery is unlikely to present itself in a straight line, so I can ride the knocks as they come.

Until there is any significant news to the contrary I will continue to keep that mindset.

I do have moments when I feel the full brunt of what's happening and that is usually when I am with my children, but rather than dwell on the obvious I draw motivational strength from those moments.

It is inevitable that there is an underlying current of worry and anger.  I have always found anger to be my main motivational force.  Without it I would be completely lazy and the trick is to channel it constructively.  Where my emotions have been least controlled have been in the first few days of each cycle of chemotherapy where the cocktail of drugs (including steriods) creates an emotional maelstrom.  Even so, apart from one or two angry verbal outbursts, these periods have seen nothing worse than snappiness or grumpiness and an element of withdrawal.

The absence of pain also helps but that may not continue as I move away from the chemotherapy towards surgery.  Plenty of rest is probably the best way to avoid the return of pain as it appears when tired.

As I have mentioned before, a lot of weight has been taken off me by the support around me and the fact is that my general feeling of health is much better than what must have been a steady but harsh decline into anaemia and cancer last year and the beginning of this.

There's plenty more of the journey to go but I will continue to practice what works for me and keeps me happy, whether that is doing Chi Kung in the garden whilst running the gauntlet of the squirrels, working, meditating or socialising.

The other weapon is distraction and I have probably accumulated more electrical equipment than I originally set out to :-)