Time to Rally

I've got seven and a half weeks of treatment left before decisions are made as to whether I can be cured or not and things look and feel different in many ways.

There's no nervousness or anticipation of the unknown and no expectation.

A metaphorical climbing up three peaks with each one to represent each cycle of chemotherapy until I faced the "certainty" of surgery has replaced by another three hills.

This time when I get to the top of those hills I will not know what awaits me.  It will either be the green pastures and the nourishing prospect of surgery and healing or it will be a climb into a deeper darker and more foreboding uncertainty.

None of this matters any more because climb I must and climb I will.

The treatment I receive will be no more than that.  It is no longer the focus.  For me the focus is on raising the spirit.  It is important to me to do this climb with passion and hope and with joy.

Life is full of challenges and full of opportunity.  Now is the time for me to enjoy what I already have and show a tenacity and desire to to more.

I know that it seems an odd thing to say but I enjoy the challenge.  When considering that comment it is important to understand that I would not choose the pathway, but I accept that I am on it, so it is simply important for me to do my very best.  In other words, I have "one of my heads on".

I cannot count on my body.  The medical evidence has shown that its responsive is questionable, but I can count on the other qualities I have mentioned and my drive.

Up until now I have been pretty lucky with pain. Severe pain can sap the will and sap the physical strength. 

Today has been unusual in that I have had to reach for the pain killers twice.  I usually resist reaching for them at all because I figure that one day I might be needing them and the less they have been used the less the body will be au fait with them.

Pain only normally comes with tiredness and I have been busy today and this week, so perhaps it is time for some proper rest.  When it comes it is an overbearing pain and one that I can tell could become so powerful as to be unlike anything that I have felt before.  Naturally, I hope that it doesn't come to that.

So, I have come to a crossroads in my own mind.  It is time to push towards the light and move away from the darkness of disease.

I've built a solid base camp and have plenty of "Sherpas" (they even change my duvet cover for me).

It is a bullish frame of mind because this is the time I have been waiting for along this journey to try and push through, it feels right and the timeframe of the treatment provides an arena for the event to take place in.