Sea Change

When you are diagnosed with cancer there is a lot to take in both emotionally and from the depth and breadth of the treatments and diagnostics that you have to go through.

However, there comes a time in any process where the "new world" starts to become the norm.  I feel that I am close to that point now.

There is value in being driven and in being passionate about recovery and it is important not to let that passion diminish.  It is also important to enjoy your life without your illness affecting your every moment.  It is my opinion that it is also healthy to be able to focus away from the illness and still live and breathe your life.

The illness is, of course, firmly established as part of each and every day because of the constant battery of appointments, medicines and changed working routine.  However, I have endeavoured from the very start to try and maintain normal life as much as is reasonably possible.

Although I am at the start of a critical few weeks I feel relaxed again; it should be remembered though that the last time I made such a claim was the very day my hope of immediate operation was withdrawn.  Incidentally, the operation was scheduled to have taken place today.

Being ill does not only present obstacles, it also presents opportunties.  Most notably in presents opportunties for personal growth as the emotional challenges can be harsh and demanding.

On several occasions I have made reference to the more esoteric pathway I have created for myself during this period.  I have continued to pursue avenues such as meditation, chi-kung and more simple fare like writing the blog (cathartic in its own right).  These activities have provided respite and growth through an evolving framework and help me in very real, practical and tangible ways.

I usually practice meditation as part of chi-kung and it is in invaluable in keeping me in a "go forward" frame of mind.  The mediations I perform are simple but are my own and have been evolved from my past and recent experience into dynamic frameworks that act as "drills".  The process of repetition is strengthening in its own right.

There are many parallels that can be drawn between working with meditation and working with music because the process is always evolving and there are tangible and measurable results.  When I was DJing I would experiment and then evolve what I liked into someting tangible and set. I would then perform and take those set pieces and experiment with them again in order to make them dynamic. The music would constantly change with new records the dynamics of the night and the audience and my own feelings, but always moving forward.  So it is with meditation.

The meditation acts as a bedrock for me and a reference point on the journey through the illness without needing to be directly linked.  It's primary benefit, like music is that it is a medium which does not need words but works on a different and deeper level, a soul level.

I am not drawn to phrases such as "positive thinking" but what I do falls into that sphere without being able to be considered as blind optimism.

My point is that we all wish to fulfil our dreams and aspirations but the most essential commodity is to grow and become better people.  The illness presents me with a passage through which to travel as well as immediate and sometimes harsh challenges.

Given the levels of treatment that I will now be subjected to, it is clear that there will be lasting damage to my body beyond that of a major operation and that I cannot guarantee my successful emergence from the disease.

What I can do is to remain confident about the outcome and, whilst I do that, I can continue to work to be a better man, husband and father.

Who knows; sometime in the future I may even be willing to put a duvet cover on!