I feel relaxed after the good news last Friday. It was probably the most uplifting thing for me since dismissing the existence of secondary cancer back in March.
I've been working all week and have been in the office everyday except Monday. As we are off on holiday next week there are deadlines to hit and I have been putting a bit of graft in.
Kitten and I are off to the Isle of Wight for a week with Notoplip, Sushi and all of our children. We've got ourselves a really good place to relax in, so all we need is some half decent weather. Right now I can think of nothing better to do than relax with the family and the place we have is set in a couple of acres with private access to part of a beach. So, walks and sea and Chi Kung in the back garden with even more wildlife than ours.
The Chi Kung has been very useful to me over the last couple of months. It is something which is very simple to do and requires a quietening of the mind and body. Apart from helping me to keep physically strong through chemotherapy it helps me to keep focused in the moment. I supplement the Chi Kung with meditations and the constant repetition of the same themes provides a natural development and pathway of its own, a quiet road for the soul through the turmoil.
I intend to enjoy fully the time between now and the operation as there are no obvious obstacles only good things. Time to enjoy with the family on holiday and a football World Cup too.
The World Cup festivities start in earnest on Saturday as SandD are holding a birthday party for their daughter in the day followed by a viewing of the first England match in the evening. It's the end of April since we have all get together and there will be a big group, so an enjoyable time before kicking off to the IoW the next morning.
Meanwhile my efforts to get fit have taken a little knock as failure to warm up properly in the gym has resulted in a problem with my achilles, so it is back to the mad Canadian osteopath with a different ailment. First the back then the tinnitus, now the leg!
There's not too much to say because I am busy and I am happy. That feels like a good place to be.
Thursday, 10 June 2010
Monday, 7 June 2010
Blood Test Results and A Visit to the GP
I asked for unscheduled blood tests on Friday so that I could gauge where I am in relation to be immune system capability and haemoglobin levels.
The haemoglobin levels are still pretty good. At 13 they are just below normal, which is 14-16 for men. I am still taking iron tablets to aid this as a counterweight to the effect of the tumour.
The neutrophils, which are key to fighting infection, are still low (at 2.6) but on their way up and reasonable considering I have just finished chemotherapy. So, it's not yet time to start jumping into swimming pools or catching the rush hour train, but I am heading in the right direction.
I managed to squeeze in a visit to the GP today. As I have mentioned before, she is probably the best GP I have come across and is blessed with the listening skills that were not bequeathed to me. The point of the visit was just to bring her up to speed, but I had not intended on going today. Her popularity means that there is a Monday morning "scrum down" for appointments with her and I keep on forgetting or being otherwise indisposed. So, I made the effort this morning to go to the doctor's first thing to make an appointment and was surprised when one landed at my feet for the day.
That's enough appointments for them moment, I have collected them like TVs recently, so I will concentrate on other issues.
The next few days before I go on holiday will be exceptionally busy, but I hope to find time to have a thrash around in the gym too.
The haemoglobin levels are still pretty good. At 13 they are just below normal, which is 14-16 for men. I am still taking iron tablets to aid this as a counterweight to the effect of the tumour.
The neutrophils, which are key to fighting infection, are still low (at 2.6) but on their way up and reasonable considering I have just finished chemotherapy. So, it's not yet time to start jumping into swimming pools or catching the rush hour train, but I am heading in the right direction.
I managed to squeeze in a visit to the GP today. As I have mentioned before, she is probably the best GP I have come across and is blessed with the listening skills that were not bequeathed to me. The point of the visit was just to bring her up to speed, but I had not intended on going today. Her popularity means that there is a Monday morning "scrum down" for appointments with her and I keep on forgetting or being otherwise indisposed. So, I made the effort this morning to go to the doctor's first thing to make an appointment and was surprised when one landed at my feet for the day.
That's enough appointments for them moment, I have collected them like TVs recently, so I will concentrate on other issues.
The next few days before I go on holiday will be exceptionally busy, but I hope to find time to have a thrash around in the gym too.
Thanks
Thanks to everyone for the calls, texts and emails over the last few days.
There were even a couple of comments on the blog!!!!!
There were even a couple of comments on the blog!!!!!
Sunday, 6 June 2010
A Lighter Note
Whilst my focus has been on the CT Scan and the meeting with the surgeon in the last week, it is worth saying that there has plenty of other stuff going on.
Because the blog is about my health it is easy to assume that occupies most of what goes on, but the last week is a perfect illustration that life goes on.
On Monday we had another day out at the local theme park with Notoplip and Sushi but on this occasion there was a twist as "Acwaman" (so called because he sells scuba diving equipment) was over from the US of A with his wife and children.
We had a great weekend over there though it was all a bit topsy turvy as our short stay was fragmented by the time differential and our choice of staying out all night on the first night (US time) having travelled all day UK time.
The last video is topical because at the end of the day at the local theme park last Monday, I persuaded Notoplip, Acwaman and his son to go on a spinning cradle ride where it stops mid-air and you get soaked with water.
We sat centre ride where you get the biggest soaking and Notoplip was relieved that he was removed because the safety mechanism would not close over his Desperate Dan style shoulders. He was offered another berth towards the side, but politely declined whilst laughing his way back up at us to the safety of his family. The last time we went on this ride he had glanced sideways at me half way through (looking decidedly green) and declared that he was unlikely to make it the whole way through without dispensing with his Kentucky style chicken.
Anyway, a good day was had by all and, despite the fact that I have know Acwaman since the mid 90's I had not yet met his family. So that was a pleasure.
The rest of the week was mundane but normal. I worked in the office Tuesday and Thursday and worked from home Wednesday afternoon and Friday morning to allow for the hospital appointments.
After the trials of Friday we had a jolly BBQ with the missing top lips and also spent Saturday around the pool with them at their local health club. Saturday's also involve me taking the Huffty to football in the morning and today he has been for a trial for an under sevens' side (no prizes for guessing who is running it). We are loafing around this afternoon and I have been playing darts with him as Kitten has taken Boogle to a cheer leading competition in Bournemouth where she is taking part.
As an update, it is the first time that her team competed and they came second. Boogle has just come home with the team's trophy, so she is very pleased.
All this and gym visits show that life is as normal as it can be at the moment and is a welcome "Night Porter Scene" (a reference to Macbeth for the Shakespeare buffs).
Because the blog is about my health it is easy to assume that occupies most of what goes on, but the last week is a perfect illustration that life goes on.
Acwaman went to school with Notoplip, Billy the Fish and D.A. Decorator and moved to the US in his teens. He is usually over here every year, but the last time we saw him was when Notoplip, Billy the Fish and I joined him in the States for the Ricky Hatton vs Floyd Mayweather fight in Las Vegas two and a half years ago.
We had a great weekend over there though it was all a bit topsy turvy as our short stay was fragmented by the time differential and our choice of staying out all night on the first night (US time) having travelled all day UK time.
There were some good moments on the trip and I have a couple of videos from mobile phones, which I thought I would share.
We stayed in the MGM hotel where the fight was based. If you haven't been to Las Vegas, like Kitten :-), it is difficult to comprehend the scale of these hotels. To put things into perspective, whilst we stayed at the MGM they had Tom Jones performing in one auditorium within the hotel, the Circque du Soleil in another and the boxing in yet another arena that held 16,000 people.
The video below is only remarkable for the fact that, whilst filming, Notoplip gets the words wrong to the simplest chant in the world (listen closely).
You can get a taste of what the atmosphere was like over there in what was the biggest influx of Brits since the days of the Beatles.
The Americans are always good hosts but don't take too kindly to having their national anthem roundly booed, especially on their own soil by people who they consider to be their friends. To be honest that element was embarrassing and it wasn't a minority either. You have to realise that about three quarters of the 16,000 capacity were from our shores. The incident was front page both here and there but it was more in keeping with the cartoon style wrestling atmosphere that came with the hype of the fight rather than being malicious. Some might say that it is about time they yanks had their bubble burst a little, naturally I wouldn't subscribe to that theory :-).
Anyway, I digress but before moving back to my week it is worth mentioning that there was another funny video moment.
I was sharing a room with Billy the Fish whilst Acwaman shared with Notoplip. On one morning Acwaman decided that it would be funny to through a cup of water of the sleeping Notoplip. Now there is a saying that "revenge is a dish best served cold", so Notoplip took it on himself to up the karma stakes.
After Acwaman had retired from a lengthy drinking session Notoplip filled up a bath full of freezing cold water, carefully removed Acwaman's laptop, mobile phone and any other materials that might not recover from a damned good soaking and got hold of a nice big bucket. The results are only astonishing for the depth of sleep that Acwaman must have been in. Either that or Acwaman's business means that he has built up a natural resistance. Not the greatest quality video, but you get the picture (even if you do have to look at it sideways).
The last video is topical because at the end of the day at the local theme park last Monday, I persuaded Notoplip, Acwaman and his son to go on a spinning cradle ride where it stops mid-air and you get soaked with water.
We sat centre ride where you get the biggest soaking and Notoplip was relieved that he was removed because the safety mechanism would not close over his Desperate Dan style shoulders. He was offered another berth towards the side, but politely declined whilst laughing his way back up at us to the safety of his family. The last time we went on this ride he had glanced sideways at me half way through (looking decidedly green) and declared that he was unlikely to make it the whole way through without dispensing with his Kentucky style chicken.
Anyway, a good day was had by all and, despite the fact that I have know Acwaman since the mid 90's I had not yet met his family. So that was a pleasure.
The rest of the week was mundane but normal. I worked in the office Tuesday and Thursday and worked from home Wednesday afternoon and Friday morning to allow for the hospital appointments.
After the trials of Friday we had a jolly BBQ with the missing top lips and also spent Saturday around the pool with them at their local health club. Saturday's also involve me taking the Huffty to football in the morning and today he has been for a trial for an under sevens' side (no prizes for guessing who is running it). We are loafing around this afternoon and I have been playing darts with him as Kitten has taken Boogle to a cheer leading competition in Bournemouth where she is taking part.
As an update, it is the first time that her team competed and they came second. Boogle has just come home with the team's trophy, so she is very pleased.
All this and gym visits show that life is as normal as it can be at the moment and is a welcome "Night Porter Scene" (a reference to Macbeth for the Shakespeare buffs).
Saturday, 5 June 2010
After the News
The news yesterday really was that there wasn't any news. Everything is still on course.
There was, however, a sea change.
The effect on both Kitten and me is that we can see a clear path through. Naturally, there will be twists and turns, but we can see daylight.
What was pivotal for me was the frank and positive attitude of the surgeon. He seemed very confident of achieving the best possible results. There was also further praise for me from the way that I was approaching things, my general levels of health and how well I had come through chemotherapy. There was surprise that I was back in the gym, but it was encouraged. I was also given a physiotherapy test of pacing between cones placed 10m apart where I did 4 times better than anyone else who had taken the test that day. I have to smile though, because I don't think that the competition will have been too hot.
The salient points from this are that I am well positioned to get myself in a good frame to approach the operatoin and, whilst I am not dependant on praise, these are unchartered waters so praise has a supporting and uplifting effect.
We talked with the surgeon about the operation yesterday and I was given fact sheets about both the procedure and the recovery. It doesn't make for pleasant reading, but it is a means to an end.
I will post information about the operation process at a later date but wil shelve thoughts about it for a while and concentrate on enjoying the gap in treatment and looking forward to our week's holiday (starting Sunday 13th). There is also the World Cup to enjoy and plenty of work to catch up on.
All in all, the next six to eight weeks should fly by, before we get down to the real business.
The Path of Self-Healing
Woods that part to beckon us in
Trees that bark the wolves howling winds
Banshees who cry in a cacophonous din
Rains that lash through the thickest of skins
A sword of steel can temper your fears
A majestic stallion can bring your home near
A rising sun brings the path into view
But confronting your pain is the quickest way through
There was, however, a sea change.
The effect on both Kitten and me is that we can see a clear path through. Naturally, there will be twists and turns, but we can see daylight.
What was pivotal for me was the frank and positive attitude of the surgeon. He seemed very confident of achieving the best possible results. There was also further praise for me from the way that I was approaching things, my general levels of health and how well I had come through chemotherapy. There was surprise that I was back in the gym, but it was encouraged. I was also given a physiotherapy test of pacing between cones placed 10m apart where I did 4 times better than anyone else who had taken the test that day. I have to smile though, because I don't think that the competition will have been too hot.
The salient points from this are that I am well positioned to get myself in a good frame to approach the operatoin and, whilst I am not dependant on praise, these are unchartered waters so praise has a supporting and uplifting effect.
We talked with the surgeon about the operation yesterday and I was given fact sheets about both the procedure and the recovery. It doesn't make for pleasant reading, but it is a means to an end.
I will post information about the operation process at a later date but wil shelve thoughts about it for a while and concentrate on enjoying the gap in treatment and looking forward to our week's holiday (starting Sunday 13th). There is also the World Cup to enjoy and plenty of work to catch up on.
All in all, the next six to eight weeks should fly by, before we get down to the real business.
The Path of Self-Healing
Woods that part to beckon us in
Trees that bark the wolves howling winds
Banshees who cry in a cacophonous din
Rains that lash through the thickest of skins
A sword of steel can temper your fears
A majestic stallion can bring your home near
A rising sun brings the path into view
But confronting your pain is the quickest way through
Friday, 4 June 2010
Happy Dayz
I had my appointment at the Marsden today and the news is good news.
They are confident that all of the tumour can be removed and that I am in a good position to make a solid recovery.
There was no re-staging of the tumour as such, I was told that they would only do that on biopsis, which is different to the experience of "annestonefamily". However, the main issue is that they believe that the cancer can be completely removed.
I will soon receive a date for the operation, which will be in the middle to the end of July.
The operation is a little more severe than I though in terms of how much will be removed, he indicated about 7-8 inches with the stomach hoisted up to the chest. To be honest, that is the least of my worries the main thing is that I can see daylight through the forest.
Time for a BBQ.
They are confident that all of the tumour can be removed and that I am in a good position to make a solid recovery.
There was no re-staging of the tumour as such, I was told that they would only do that on biopsis, which is different to the experience of "annestonefamily". However, the main issue is that they believe that the cancer can be completely removed.
I will soon receive a date for the operation, which will be in the middle to the end of July.
The operation is a little more severe than I though in terms of how much will be removed, he indicated about 7-8 inches with the stomach hoisted up to the chest. To be honest, that is the least of my worries the main thing is that I can see daylight through the forest.
Time for a BBQ.
Thursday, 3 June 2010
Emotional Impact - Take II
After yesterday's attempt to explain my emotional state I thought that I would have another stab at it.
I remembered what I said in my first post of this blog
" Just as this condition developed by stealth I expect to have to find a strong centre of inner peace - "emotional silence"
In my mind we learn from everything that we do in this life and my physical journey is also a mental, emotional and spiritual journey.
The way that I think of it is that I am up to my neck in it. Imagine standing up to your chin in water, what would you prefer? Would it be
I remembered what I said in my first post of this blog
" Just as this condition developed by stealth I expect to have to find a strong centre of inner peace - "emotional silence"
In my mind we learn from everything that we do in this life and my physical journey is also a mental, emotional and spiritual journey.
The way that I think of it is that I am up to my neck in it. Imagine standing up to your chin in water, what would you prefer? Would it be
- For the water to be choppy and for you to be constantly taking it on board, not knowing where the next wave is coming from?
- To create a calmness that allows you to hold things still until the sun comes out or you get swept away.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Emotional Impact
A few people have suggested, or said directly, that they think "I am putting on a front" or not being entirely open with my emotions. The latter comment comes from Kitten, so it is worthy of consideration and discussion. We had a chat about this last night.
The fact is that whilst I am by nature somewhat volatile, I have worked hard in the last 15 years or so to control and understand my temperament (with a degree but by no means complete success!). When you are "in moment" your nature takes the ascendency, which explains why so many people behave like animals behind a steering wheel.
Where I believe that my temperament has always been sound, and where it continues to improve, is how I control my behaviour when the stakes are high. In these situations I feel that my understanding of my own behaviour helps me to keep calm.
The situation I find myself in is beyond my control, so there are a number of things that I can do to keep focused and calm.
Friday, is a big day for me. Whilst I expect to gain a clearer picture of where I am, I do not have an expection of guaranteed answers. It may be that I have to wait until surgery. The way I approach this is simply to manage my expectations.
I have an underlying belief that I will come through the illness and that is a good starting point. I also accept that the road to recovery is unlikely to present itself in a straight line, so I can ride the knocks as they come.
Until there is any significant news to the contrary I will continue to keep that mindset.
I do have moments when I feel the full brunt of what's happening and that is usually when I am with my children, but rather than dwell on the obvious I draw motivational strength from those moments.
It is inevitable that there is an underlying current of worry and anger. I have always found anger to be my main motivational force. Without it I would be completely lazy and the trick is to channel it constructively. Where my emotions have been least controlled have been in the first few days of each cycle of chemotherapy where the cocktail of drugs (including steriods) creates an emotional maelstrom. Even so, apart from one or two angry verbal outbursts, these periods have seen nothing worse than snappiness or grumpiness and an element of withdrawal.
The absence of pain also helps but that may not continue as I move away from the chemotherapy towards surgery. Plenty of rest is probably the best way to avoid the return of pain as it appears when tired.
As I have mentioned before, a lot of weight has been taken off me by the support around me and the fact is that my general feeling of health is much better than what must have been a steady but harsh decline into anaemia and cancer last year and the beginning of this.
There's plenty more of the journey to go but I will continue to practice what works for me and keeps me happy, whether that is doing Chi Kung in the garden whilst running the gauntlet of the squirrels, working, meditating or socialising.
The other weapon is distraction and I have probably accumulated more electrical equipment than I originally set out to :-)
The fact is that whilst I am by nature somewhat volatile, I have worked hard in the last 15 years or so to control and understand my temperament (with a degree but by no means complete success!). When you are "in moment" your nature takes the ascendency, which explains why so many people behave like animals behind a steering wheel.
Where I believe that my temperament has always been sound, and where it continues to improve, is how I control my behaviour when the stakes are high. In these situations I feel that my understanding of my own behaviour helps me to keep calm.
The situation I find myself in is beyond my control, so there are a number of things that I can do to keep focused and calm.
Friday, is a big day for me. Whilst I expect to gain a clearer picture of where I am, I do not have an expection of guaranteed answers. It may be that I have to wait until surgery. The way I approach this is simply to manage my expectations.
I have an underlying belief that I will come through the illness and that is a good starting point. I also accept that the road to recovery is unlikely to present itself in a straight line, so I can ride the knocks as they come.
Until there is any significant news to the contrary I will continue to keep that mindset.
I do have moments when I feel the full brunt of what's happening and that is usually when I am with my children, but rather than dwell on the obvious I draw motivational strength from those moments.
It is inevitable that there is an underlying current of worry and anger. I have always found anger to be my main motivational force. Without it I would be completely lazy and the trick is to channel it constructively. Where my emotions have been least controlled have been in the first few days of each cycle of chemotherapy where the cocktail of drugs (including steriods) creates an emotional maelstrom. Even so, apart from one or two angry verbal outbursts, these periods have seen nothing worse than snappiness or grumpiness and an element of withdrawal.
The absence of pain also helps but that may not continue as I move away from the chemotherapy towards surgery. Plenty of rest is probably the best way to avoid the return of pain as it appears when tired.
As I have mentioned before, a lot of weight has been taken off me by the support around me and the fact is that my general feeling of health is much better than what must have been a steady but harsh decline into anaemia and cancer last year and the beginning of this.
There's plenty more of the journey to go but I will continue to practice what works for me and keeps me happy, whether that is doing Chi Kung in the garden whilst running the gauntlet of the squirrels, working, meditating or socialising.
The other weapon is distraction and I have probably accumulated more electrical equipment than I originally set out to :-)
Chemo Finished and Scans Done
Today is not an eventful but insignificant day.
I took my last chemotherapy tablets prior to surgery this morning and I also had a CT scan and MUGA (nuclear heart) scan.
So plenty of laying in machines. The heart scan is a precautionary measure in relation to the bevacizumab (Avastin) trial drug that is part of the chemotherapy treatment.
Although I was being scanned today the real event takes place on Friday when I will meet the surgeon again. Between now and then my scans will be assessed and it is the CT scan that will show how well the chemotherapy has worked. I have set my expectations at "no change", but obviously I hope for some improvment as per my post At the Junction - back to the analysis the key to the process is whether the surgeon can get a clean shot at the tumour and get the whole thing out. Any less and the future will not look so rosy.
In these situations my approach is to set my expectations low because the fallout from disappointment is not desirable. Upside will be greeting with cheer but feet still firmly on the ground. In other words I will continue to maintain the status quo and be boring
As this is a blog about my journey through cancer my next article will be on the emotional journey because it is a subject worthy of discussion and has been raised by a few people.
Thanks to everyone for the calls and texts of support it is good to know that you are thinking about me.
I took my last chemotherapy tablets prior to surgery this morning and I also had a CT scan and MUGA (nuclear heart) scan.
So plenty of laying in machines. The heart scan is a precautionary measure in relation to the bevacizumab (Avastin) trial drug that is part of the chemotherapy treatment.
Although I was being scanned today the real event takes place on Friday when I will meet the surgeon again. Between now and then my scans will be assessed and it is the CT scan that will show how well the chemotherapy has worked. I have set my expectations at "no change", but obviously I hope for some improvment as per my post At the Junction - back to the analysis the key to the process is whether the surgeon can get a clean shot at the tumour and get the whole thing out. Any less and the future will not look so rosy.
In these situations my approach is to set my expectations low because the fallout from disappointment is not desirable. Upside will be greeting with cheer but feet still firmly on the ground. In other words I will continue to maintain the status quo and be boring
As this is a blog about my journey through cancer my next article will be on the emotional journey because it is a subject worthy of discussion and has been raised by a few people.
Thanks to everyone for the calls and texts of support it is good to know that you are thinking about me.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
Putting the Anaemia into Perspective
It was anaemia that triggered the path to diagnosis and the following puts some perspective on it.
It the three months up to December I was training regularly in the gym and ice-skating.
When I tried a run I could barely run a 10 minute mile and after a few runs I managed two miles in around nineteen and a half minutes. Pitiful when considering that I was light (at just over 11 stone) and when I was younger I could have run 4 six and a half minute miles without problem.
So today after three cycles of chemotherapy and nine pounds heavier with no proper training all year I ran two miles in less than nineteen minutes and without really making much effort. I started slowly and built it up.
It's a basic but encouraging start to getting fit before operation, but it has no meaning in the context of the results of tomorrow's CT scan. That is an different ball game.
Feet on the ground time.
It the three months up to December I was training regularly in the gym and ice-skating.
When I tried a run I could barely run a 10 minute mile and after a few runs I managed two miles in around nineteen and a half minutes. Pitiful when considering that I was light (at just over 11 stone) and when I was younger I could have run 4 six and a half minute miles without problem.
So today after three cycles of chemotherapy and nine pounds heavier with no proper training all year I ran two miles in less than nineteen minutes and without really making much effort. I started slowly and built it up.
It's a basic but encouraging start to getting fit before operation, but it has no meaning in the context of the results of tomorrow's CT scan. That is an different ball game.
Feet on the ground time.
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