Mental and Emotional

This is by far and away the hardest part of the journey.  Why?

1. I know that I have secondary cancer and have a limited lifespan
2. I am very weak
3. My appetite is reduced because of the cancer
4. If I try and eat extra I am sick
5. I do not have enough energy to do simple things like playing with the kids or, indeed, anything projective

It becomes very hard to be positive under these circumstances no matter how bullish your nature.

Despite the best thoughts of everybody it is difficult to understand the gravity of my situation now and, until you look at the above list, the lack of positive direction.  Although I am comfortable at the moment it is the lack of energy which is the greatest restrictor.  I had hoped that when I had recovered from the misplaced stent business that I would regain my strength but that has not happened and reflects the development of the cancer.

What I have now is an unpleasant status quo.  I am functioning on a day to day basis whilst my ability to function is diminishing.

Back From Wales

We left late this morning to pick the best time to avoid the traffic and make the journey relatively straightforward.

It was great to see the family, especially my dad after a prolonged absence.

Getting myself out of my house was a therapeutic exercise in itself though not the most comfortable.

Putting things in perspective, I can get myself from A to B with Kitten driving but overall my energy levels are very low.  This is because of low food intake, which is due to the cancer itself.   The cancer is reducing my appetite.   I discussed this with the MacMillan nurse on Friday.   The bottom line is that in the absence of any  scans now we do not know whether the cancer is just restricted to the oesophagus and liver.  As it progresses through my other organs it will continue to suppress my appetite and reduce my energy.

Nevertheless, the journey to Wales was uplifting and now I must see if I am able for the journey to Suffolk later this week.

In Wales

Well, we made it down with a trouble free journey.

Naturally, you don't get away scott free when you come away from your usual routine and I have paid with a lot of sickness last night and this morning.   However, I am in reasonable shape today and am able to see some visitors.  The the usual family are all coming.

It is especially good to see my father as both of us has been ill and not seen each other since the end of November.

As a welsh man there is something good just in crossing the Severn Bridge and feeling at home.  London is where my home is but Wales is where the roots and heart are.

Kitten and I will stay until tomorrow morning and return whilst the roads are still clear.

All in all it will be a good road test for our trip to Suffolk next week.

Clearing My Desk At Work

Yesterday, I went into work to  clear my desk and say my goodbyes.

It is nearly 24 years that I have been at work so it is easy to imagine that it involves a degree of emotion.

The journey up was simple enough but the goodbyes were tougher.  It wasn't the sort of "leaving do" that one would expect from me (i.e. drunk and debauched) and there was lots of hugging.

As with any work there are people that you are closer too than others but I know everyone.  There was everything from handshakes to hugging in the knowledge that, other than the few, I will not be seeing these people again.  No going back to meet up in the pub or other social occasions, this is it.

Of course there are those who will still come and visit me, but you  see the overall picture.

My mistake though was not emotional but physical.  I ate shortly before leaving the office and that was not wise.  It started a chain of illness throughout the afternoon and left me in a poor state before bedtime.  This wasn't good preparation before a planned journey to Wales, so we are now left in a situation of seeing how it goes for today's plans.

Visit To Wales

Given my recent state of health the visit to Wales is a big ticket item and it is there to serve the purpose of seeing my dad whom I have not seen since his stroke.

Of course,  if I am well enough to take on board visitors it will be a pleasure to see everyone, but I will not know what state I will be in until I have settled in.

The whole trip could prove to be a disaster or an uplifting success.   We will have to wait and see.  What I do know though is that it will have to be conducted in a much more lower key manner than recent visits.

A Visit From The Thatcher's

Our friends from Winchester popped in this morning and it was good to see them.  Mr "Thatcher" works in the City, so he was able to continue onward from ours on his journey.

It has been good to enjoy a variety of different visitors over the last period and that reflects the fact that I am not too strained physically.

Huffty has had a session with the child psychologist today and I have had a visit from the district nurse.

Tomorrow, I am intending to go into town to clear out my desk at work and Kitten will be driving me up for the occasion.  It will also offer the chance to say goodbye to those colleagues whom I am unlikely to see over the longer duration.

The weekend is the big occasion as we are hoping to fit in a visit to Wales to see my father.  This will be a precursor to making a trip to Suffolk to see the healer next week and will provide a solid benchmark.

Improvements

After some sickness last night I am perhaps not feeling at my best today.  Even so I have taken a short journey out with Kitten in an effort to "keep myself moving".

There is a stability about my position at the moment which is far more comforting than events at the beginning of the month.  Even though I have complained of boredom as the enemy it is a far better enemy to have than the hunger and weakness and pain of hospitalisation with the displaced stent and subsequent recovery.

Although I do not have the greatest of physical platforms to grow off there is at least a mental one that can be  improved.  Having been put through the mill over the last few weeks there is room for more positivity about what I currently do have rather than what I don't have.

Money Can't Buy You Health

The weekend was tough but, as mentioned, it was good to see familiar faces.

Today is a little easier but it is still very hard for me to get my head around how much my energy levels have plummeted in such a short space of time.  Before radiotherapy you wouldn't even have know that I had cancer whereas now it is hard for me to put one foot in front of the other.

The arrival of a large sum of money in my bank account hasn't even put a smile on my face because I am not physically positioned to take advantage of it.

Even the blog has become very matter of fact.  There is plenty of potential material but I simply don't have the energy or mood to scribe it.

I will keep on moving forward and looking forward to moments of pleasure.

Plenty of things Happening, But

I have been involved this weekend with an hour down the football club yesterday with Notoplip, Billy the Fish and D.A. Decorator.   Today, Magic Coat, Young Aunty and the Serious Barman visited from Wales and we took a walk.  There was also a visit from Lance Corporal and Big Boss.

However, I have not felt well throughout this, hence the brevity of this message.

It was good to see all parties though anyway.

Pushing Out - Phase II

When I came out of hospital it took huge resource to get myself up to a point where I was consuming enough calories to function.

Having reached that point there is only so much pleasure that that can be derived from being well enough to sit on a sofa and watch repeats of Top Gear.

The next step has to be to push some more so that I can participate in activities.  This means more calories and it is difficult to know how they can be consumed and kept in place, but try I must.

A while back I took some steps to release money from a pension pot into our every day finances.  This is something that can be done in my circumstances.  The idea was to be able to have the means to enjoy the time that we have as a family but it is only of relevance if my physical shape is good enough to do it.

That money arrives on Monday and I am not in shape but at least I have the focus.  That is a good start.