As I was seemingly picking up yesterday I arranged for a couple of the chaps from work (Sam The Eagle and Super Frank) to pay me a visit to help out on our latest project. This was on the understanding that we would have to cancel if I was poorly. I am happy that we were able to shift some work and continue with my handover of the project.
Today has been much much brighter for me, feeling and eating better. In between the work I managed to get to the school to watch the Huffty's Christmas play. This is all a far cry from just laying in my bed only a few days ago.
Hopefully there will be more food tonight and plenty of rest to ensure that I do not overdo it.
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
A Number of Visitors
Over the last few months I have been much less socially active because of the demands of the treatment and the disease. The blog has been worth its weight in gold as a central point for those I know to keep appraised of the situation and it has shielded me from repeating myself when I could better use the energy.
Because all of my family except my sister live in Wales it is not as though my front door is like a revolving door and it is good to see the occasional smiling face pop in whether neighbour or on of my mates. This weekend things were a little different because it was clear from the blog (both in content and in lack of it) that things have been a little tougher. With visits from Notoplip, Billy the Fish and Car Crash (that's my best man and two ushers) plus my sister Tricky Crow and my mother on the phone saying that she was desperate to visit it felt like I was about to get the last rites!
All put in welcomed and mostly unannounced apearances and the surprise element provided an extra lift.
Because all of my family except my sister live in Wales it is not as though my front door is like a revolving door and it is good to see the occasional smiling face pop in whether neighbour or on of my mates. This weekend things were a little different because it was clear from the blog (both in content and in lack of it) that things have been a little tougher. With visits from Notoplip, Billy the Fish and Car Crash (that's my best man and two ushers) plus my sister Tricky Crow and my mother on the phone saying that she was desperate to visit it felt like I was about to get the last rites!
All put in welcomed and mostly unannounced apearances and the surprise element provided an extra lift.
"Rope a Dope"
Some may be old enough to remember Muhammad Ali and George Foreman's famous "Rumble in the Jungle" fight in Zaire.
For the first several rounds Ali just lent back on the ropes and let George throw everything he had at him. According to the media there was likely to be only one winner of this fight as George had swept all before him on his way to the meeting including old adversaries of Ali (such as Joe Frazier) with consummate ease.
Ali was a wily fox and limited the damage of Foreman's efforts until he had exhausted him and then struck like a cobra to take a tiring Foreman out of the ring.
To the uninitiated it looked like Foreman had been destroying Ali because he was the one scoring the points by throwing punches and Ali had been passive. Clearly, Ali's strategy was a risk because he was losing a lot of rounds and relying on a well conditioned Foreman tiring and becoming vulnerable.
Last week was not at the same level as that because it was the only strategy that I was able to enact i.e. laying in bed and trying to work out what drugs were having what effect and what was the best way to get out of the situation whilst this beast of a disease had a free rein to attack me from all angles. Conserving my energy was the only way of combating the situation especially with the effects of the nausea.
The strategy seems to be working and I have a run of consultations that may help me get the balance of the drugs and the approach to the current status of the condition right. Yesterday, I was at the Marsden and today I was at my G.P.'s.
My G.P. is very thorough and we reflected on yesterday's discussion whilst dishing out the prescriptions that I did not have an opportunity to get yesterday due to time constraints. We also discussed how we move forward because I have my first visit from the MacMillan community nurses on Friday and this is an area in which they excel. I am then due back at the G.P.'s next Monday and I hope to be in a stable place by that time.
Today, I have been more active and am also about to take on my third meal of the day, which is a marked improvement. If anything I am mindful of doing too much too soon and there is a balance to be struck but signs are encouraging that the blip that I have had may not be wholly representative of what I will facing every day going forward.
The next job on the list is telling the children. We had intended to do this over a week ago but were not able to because of my condition. It is not just about telling them but also about dealing with fall out. That process will start tomorrow.
For the first several rounds Ali just lent back on the ropes and let George throw everything he had at him. According to the media there was likely to be only one winner of this fight as George had swept all before him on his way to the meeting including old adversaries of Ali (such as Joe Frazier) with consummate ease.
Ali was a wily fox and limited the damage of Foreman's efforts until he had exhausted him and then struck like a cobra to take a tiring Foreman out of the ring.
To the uninitiated it looked like Foreman had been destroying Ali because he was the one scoring the points by throwing punches and Ali had been passive. Clearly, Ali's strategy was a risk because he was losing a lot of rounds and relying on a well conditioned Foreman tiring and becoming vulnerable.
Last week was not at the same level as that because it was the only strategy that I was able to enact i.e. laying in bed and trying to work out what drugs were having what effect and what was the best way to get out of the situation whilst this beast of a disease had a free rein to attack me from all angles. Conserving my energy was the only way of combating the situation especially with the effects of the nausea.
The strategy seems to be working and I have a run of consultations that may help me get the balance of the drugs and the approach to the current status of the condition right. Yesterday, I was at the Marsden and today I was at my G.P.'s.
My G.P. is very thorough and we reflected on yesterday's discussion whilst dishing out the prescriptions that I did not have an opportunity to get yesterday due to time constraints. We also discussed how we move forward because I have my first visit from the MacMillan community nurses on Friday and this is an area in which they excel. I am then due back at the G.P.'s next Monday and I hope to be in a stable place by that time.
Today, I have been more active and am also about to take on my third meal of the day, which is a marked improvement. If anything I am mindful of doing too much too soon and there is a balance to be struck but signs are encouraging that the blip that I have had may not be wholly representative of what I will facing every day going forward.
The next job on the list is telling the children. We had intended to do this over a week ago but were not able to because of my condition. It is not just about telling them but also about dealing with fall out. That process will start tomorrow.
Monday, 6 December 2010
A Worthwhile Trip to the Marsden
During a telephone conversation with my GP earlier this week we realised that my relaxed approach to taking my gastric tablets may at least be partially to blame for my sudden dip.
There was a simple reason why I was being a bit lax and that was because they were making me sick every time that I took them. I have been taking the tablets, or similar, all the way through the process but they are now more important with the stent in place. This because there is isn't anything to control the reflux of stomach acids out of the stomach. The stent effectively removes the controlling sphincter at the top of the stomach.
We got around the problem by using dissolvable tablets and I have been rigorous in taking them since last Thursday and the pain has improved considerably and the tablets are no longer making me ill.
The problem that I have had though is that there has been an underlying nausea which has made me ill after I have eaten.
Today we arrived at the conclusion that this is likely to be caused my liver problems resulting from the cancer being metastatic (secondary in my liver). So, we are upping the dose of the anti-sickness drug that I take and moving to a new one if that does not work.
It is good to know that the considerable effort that I have been making over the last few days, whilst not completely successful, has taken mein the right direction. You would think that there is not a lot of effort in sitting in bed, but the last few days have been very difficult.
There were further changes regarding pain relief and also discussion of a drug trial to see if my quality of life can be improved. I have to read through the information and make a decision in the next few days if I want to take part in the trial.
Hopefully, I am heading in the right direction for stability central and in good time for Christmas.
Meanwhile news from South Wales suggest that my father's need for rehabilitation is substantial but that there is promise.
There was a simple reason why I was being a bit lax and that was because they were making me sick every time that I took them. I have been taking the tablets, or similar, all the way through the process but they are now more important with the stent in place. This because there is isn't anything to control the reflux of stomach acids out of the stomach. The stent effectively removes the controlling sphincter at the top of the stomach.
We got around the problem by using dissolvable tablets and I have been rigorous in taking them since last Thursday and the pain has improved considerably and the tablets are no longer making me ill.
The problem that I have had though is that there has been an underlying nausea which has made me ill after I have eaten.
Today we arrived at the conclusion that this is likely to be caused my liver problems resulting from the cancer being metastatic (secondary in my liver). So, we are upping the dose of the anti-sickness drug that I take and moving to a new one if that does not work.
It is good to know that the considerable effort that I have been making over the last few days, whilst not completely successful, has taken mein the right direction. You would think that there is not a lot of effort in sitting in bed, but the last few days have been very difficult.
There were further changes regarding pain relief and also discussion of a drug trial to see if my quality of life can be improved. I have to read through the information and make a decision in the next few days if I want to take part in the trial.
Hopefully, I am heading in the right direction for stability central and in good time for Christmas.
Meanwhile news from South Wales suggest that my father's need for rehabilitation is substantial but that there is promise.
Sunday, 5 December 2010
Boogle has a Spring in Her Step
Much of my recent talk on the blog about childrens' activities has been about the Huffty's football. We all try and go to his football matches and we have several friends and their children who are also involved.
It was a different focus last year and early this year when I was spending a lot of "daddy time" with Boogle on the ice-skating rink helping get her and myself get to a good standard. Of course, my physical condition has meant that I have had to let go of that activity and so Kitten takes her to her lessons but is not keen to dance on ice herself.
Perhaps Boogle's favourite regular activity though is that of cheer leading.
When it was first mooted that she might like to do cheer leading I wasn't keen because my image was one of teenage girls and young women acting as some kind of pom pom support act for male sporting teams. I was unaware that this activity is somewhat different to what I thought, being a kind of fixed routine troupe dance activity with the focus on regular competition.
Boogle is no slouch in the classroom, but perhaps that is more her brother's domain where as her's is in the broad spectrum of creativity. I am keen for her to develop her creativity and also am happy when it is in a structured environment. That explains why the ice-skating and also why I would also take her out onto the streets for the more free-from rollerblading.
Boogle is tall and light for her age and she has been put into a troupe of older girls where she is the "flyer". in other words she is the one that gets chucked in the air.
She has been in a few competitions and they have always come second and I believe that it has been to the same team. Yesterday she was competing at Crystal Palace and her team came first. It would have been good if I could have been there, and I know that she was keen to attend, but I am very pleased that she won.
For me it is not that winning is so important in its own right but I know that whilst Boogle can be feisty, independent and determined she is not as confident as she makes out. Something like this will give her an inner boost and pride that she can take with her. That will help her to a build a self-confidence that is less fragile.
It was a different focus last year and early this year when I was spending a lot of "daddy time" with Boogle on the ice-skating rink helping get her and myself get to a good standard. Of course, my physical condition has meant that I have had to let go of that activity and so Kitten takes her to her lessons but is not keen to dance on ice herself.
Perhaps Boogle's favourite regular activity though is that of cheer leading.
When it was first mooted that she might like to do cheer leading I wasn't keen because my image was one of teenage girls and young women acting as some kind of pom pom support act for male sporting teams. I was unaware that this activity is somewhat different to what I thought, being a kind of fixed routine troupe dance activity with the focus on regular competition.
Boogle is no slouch in the classroom, but perhaps that is more her brother's domain where as her's is in the broad spectrum of creativity. I am keen for her to develop her creativity and also am happy when it is in a structured environment. That explains why the ice-skating and also why I would also take her out onto the streets for the more free-from rollerblading.
Boogle is tall and light for her age and she has been put into a troupe of older girls where she is the "flyer". in other words she is the one that gets chucked in the air.
She has been in a few competitions and they have always come second and I believe that it has been to the same team. Yesterday she was competing at Crystal Palace and her team came first. It would have been good if I could have been there, and I know that she was keen to attend, but I am very pleased that she won.
For me it is not that winning is so important in its own right but I know that whilst Boogle can be feisty, independent and determined she is not as confident as she makes out. Something like this will give her an inner boost and pride that she can take with her. That will help her to a build a self-confidence that is less fragile.
The Mood Brightens a Little
Once again, thanks for all the messages of encouragement. Today has been a little better all round.
The news regarding my dad has all been fairly positive and they are letting the physios loose on him tomorrow. My mam seems in reasonable spirits and I have been in regular contact as well as taking advantage of the miracle that is Skype video calling.
There have been several visits in the last few days. Firstly, from Notoplip then Billy the Fish, Car Crash and Tricky Crow. More on those later.
My main personal aim has just been to get some stability going. What I mean by that is to get myself into a situation where I can spend some decent time with at least Kitten and the kids.
The main obstacle to that is to get food in and keep it down. I have been rigorous with my drug regime and with resting in an attempt to make that happen, but also fighting a battle with nausea. Today has been better than yesterday because I have had two shakes (so about a 1000 calories) and kept them down. I will be attempting another 500 calorie meal before retiring and, if I can manage and hold that then I will be in a better place.
I am not setting my goal high, rather I am trying to rebuild a platform that I can operate from and continue to build on.
The news regarding my dad has all been fairly positive and they are letting the physios loose on him tomorrow. My mam seems in reasonable spirits and I have been in regular contact as well as taking advantage of the miracle that is Skype video calling.
There have been several visits in the last few days. Firstly, from Notoplip then Billy the Fish, Car Crash and Tricky Crow. More on those later.
My main personal aim has just been to get some stability going. What I mean by that is to get myself into a situation where I can spend some decent time with at least Kitten and the kids.
The main obstacle to that is to get food in and keep it down. I have been rigorous with my drug regime and with resting in an attempt to make that happen, but also fighting a battle with nausea. Today has been better than yesterday because I have had two shakes (so about a 1000 calories) and kept them down. I will be attempting another 500 calorie meal before retiring and, if I can manage and hold that then I will be in a better place.
I am not setting my goal high, rather I am trying to rebuild a platform that I can operate from and continue to build on.
Saturday, 4 December 2010
The Dealer Shows His Hand
A number of months ago I found myself in a dimly lit room with a dark, hooded and unwanted figure sitting at a table. He beckoned me to sit with him and since then we have been playing cards with the cards of his choice and with him dealing.
I have always subscribed to the adage that in life you can only play with the cards that you have in your hand at any given moment. There is no point in hoping for you situation to be different or better because it won't help to extract you from or capitalise on your position.
This week I have been struggling to sit at the table and continue the game, so the dealer has decided that it is time to up the ante.
Today, he stretched out his scraggy little hand from his cloak and delivered the news that my father has been in hospital since Thursday having suffered a stroke or series of mini-strokes. He suffered a number of mini-strokes a few years ago but has been stable since then, but I have remarked to my mother on the last few times that we have met that he is looking poorly, so there is no great surprise. Nevertheless it is not the sort of event that anyone wants to happen and I feel especially for my mother who now has a poorly son and a poorly husband.
He is in a good place and the physiotherapists are optimistic, so we will have to be patient and see what miracles that they can work.
My concern is foremost for my parents, my sister and other close family, but it is difficult to find myself in a position where I am in no condition to help. My own condition has coloured the deliberate delay in me receiving the news, which I know was intended to be with my interests at heart.
Through all this it feels like the dealer is playing a rigged game and has me firmly strapped to the table.
Right now there is a part of me that wants to get off my chair, deck him kick the doors down and stride out of the room but the truth is that there is nothing there to grasp at other than my own discomfort and imagination.
Sometimes life can be harsh and we just have to live with it.
I have always subscribed to the adage that in life you can only play with the cards that you have in your hand at any given moment. There is no point in hoping for you situation to be different or better because it won't help to extract you from or capitalise on your position.
This week I have been struggling to sit at the table and continue the game, so the dealer has decided that it is time to up the ante.
Today, he stretched out his scraggy little hand from his cloak and delivered the news that my father has been in hospital since Thursday having suffered a stroke or series of mini-strokes. He suffered a number of mini-strokes a few years ago but has been stable since then, but I have remarked to my mother on the last few times that we have met that he is looking poorly, so there is no great surprise. Nevertheless it is not the sort of event that anyone wants to happen and I feel especially for my mother who now has a poorly son and a poorly husband.
He is in a good place and the physiotherapists are optimistic, so we will have to be patient and see what miracles that they can work.
My concern is foremost for my parents, my sister and other close family, but it is difficult to find myself in a position where I am in no condition to help. My own condition has coloured the deliberate delay in me receiving the news, which I know was intended to be with my interests at heart.
Through all this it feels like the dealer is playing a rigged game and has me firmly strapped to the table.
Right now there is a part of me that wants to get off my chair, deck him kick the doors down and stride out of the room but the truth is that there is nothing there to grasp at other than my own discomfort and imagination.
Sometimes life can be harsh and we just have to live with it.
Friday, 3 December 2010
A Week of Withdrawal
Thanks for your well wishes last night.
This week has been the only time that I have parked myself in my bedroom in an effort to get back on an even keel during the whole duration of my illness.
It hasn't been a great week and today hasn't been any better. I have been nauseas on the new drug but have taken the stance that I have to give it the chance to "bed in". At the same time I have been trying to get a least a few calories down. I have been resting as much as possible in an attempt to store as many of those calories as possible. In a sense I am trying to swing the pendulum of this week slowly into my favour until I am in a better place.
I have hardly seen the kids, conversations with Kitten have been brief and I have even refused calls from dignitaries such as my mother as I expend my energy trying to stay comfortable. Although untimely, I have also been doing a bare minimum of work to help pass over my responsibilities and ensure a successful start and finish to certain projects.
The new drug has acted to quell the acidic gastric problems that I was having. It was clearly a mistake to be using the oral morphine to quell the pain rather than wondering what was causing it, but I thought that the pain was just the stent settling down. It is often difficult to pinpoint the issues when there is more than one thing going on.
My skirmish with Notoplip last night was typical of our humour and reminds me of when we shared a house in our twenties. It was somewhat ironic that we rented it as a bachelor pad and we both settled into relationships within a few months of being there. Our first night there was about as "lads" as it gets. It was a Thursday, so we went out clubbing and got hammered coming home at three a.m. Before we went out we started on booze that we had ready for Friday evening, which included a crate of Becks, home made vodka jellies and a bottle of brandy and we continued after we got home
Some time later Notoplip decided it would be a good idea to tell me that I couldn't hurt him if I tried and invited me to fight him. He wanted me to throw punches at him whilst his weapon of choice was to disarm me and then squash me by throwing me on the floor, laying on top of me and saying "you can't move little man can you?" (that's the link to last night's humour).
In those days I weighed about 11st and him about 14st, both fit and both healthy despite our social activities as I was a regular gym goer and him a footballer.
The evening ended with him holding me up against the wall saying "you can't hurt me little man - throw your best punch", so he put me down and I did. You have to realise that this was friends being drunk and probably a bit of our animal sides coming out in territory marking.
I threw the punch and knocked one of his teeth out. It was some kind of denture. The ones that sit on a peg. We spent some time finding it before deciding that it was time to retire to the privacy of our own rooms with him congratulating me on the punch.
The next morning my hand was swelled up like a balloon and I paid a visit to Barts Accident and Emergency in central London. In the evening a group of us went clubbing, me with my arm in a sling whilst the group of us spent a lot of time on our hands and knees looking for Notoplip's tooth which kept on falling out.
I guess that story will resonate with the chaps more than the lasses who will be shaking their heads. It was twenty years ago though.
This week has been the only time that I have parked myself in my bedroom in an effort to get back on an even keel during the whole duration of my illness.
It hasn't been a great week and today hasn't been any better. I have been nauseas on the new drug but have taken the stance that I have to give it the chance to "bed in". At the same time I have been trying to get a least a few calories down. I have been resting as much as possible in an attempt to store as many of those calories as possible. In a sense I am trying to swing the pendulum of this week slowly into my favour until I am in a better place.
I have hardly seen the kids, conversations with Kitten have been brief and I have even refused calls from dignitaries such as my mother as I expend my energy trying to stay comfortable. Although untimely, I have also been doing a bare minimum of work to help pass over my responsibilities and ensure a successful start and finish to certain projects.
The new drug has acted to quell the acidic gastric problems that I was having. It was clearly a mistake to be using the oral morphine to quell the pain rather than wondering what was causing it, but I thought that the pain was just the stent settling down. It is often difficult to pinpoint the issues when there is more than one thing going on.
My skirmish with Notoplip last night was typical of our humour and reminds me of when we shared a house in our twenties. It was somewhat ironic that we rented it as a bachelor pad and we both settled into relationships within a few months of being there. Our first night there was about as "lads" as it gets. It was a Thursday, so we went out clubbing and got hammered coming home at three a.m. Before we went out we started on booze that we had ready for Friday evening, which included a crate of Becks, home made vodka jellies and a bottle of brandy and we continued after we got home
Some time later Notoplip decided it would be a good idea to tell me that I couldn't hurt him if I tried and invited me to fight him. He wanted me to throw punches at him whilst his weapon of choice was to disarm me and then squash me by throwing me on the floor, laying on top of me and saying "you can't move little man can you?" (that's the link to last night's humour).
In those days I weighed about 11st and him about 14st, both fit and both healthy despite our social activities as I was a regular gym goer and him a footballer.
The evening ended with him holding me up against the wall saying "you can't hurt me little man - throw your best punch", so he put me down and I did. You have to realise that this was friends being drunk and probably a bit of our animal sides coming out in territory marking.
I threw the punch and knocked one of his teeth out. It was some kind of denture. The ones that sit on a peg. We spent some time finding it before deciding that it was time to retire to the privacy of our own rooms with him congratulating me on the punch.
The next morning my hand was swelled up like a balloon and I paid a visit to Barts Accident and Emergency in central London. In the evening a group of us went clubbing, me with my arm in a sling whilst the group of us spent a lot of time on our hands and knees looking for Notoplip's tooth which kept on falling out.
I guess that story will resonate with the chaps more than the lasses who will be shaking their heads. It was twenty years ago though.
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Resurfacing
In case you haven't guessed, I have had a tough week being under the weather.
The whole country has been under a big snowy blanket and I have been under a big white duvet.
It is likely that my problems have been largely caused by medication and it would be good to think that is the case.
There is one drug that I have overlooked taking regularly because it makes me sick and, in combination with the stent, it may be at the root of my ills. After discussions with the Marsden and my GP we have changed the drug, so I will find out over the next couple of days whether things improve. I hope that they do because I have been pretty useless since Monday afternoon. Eating has been a very nervous affair and it has been difficult to keep anything down, hence I have been very weak.
Even my mother has been notable by the lack of phone calls as she opts to give me space to recover, but not so Notoplip. He has been ringing me on his drive home through the snow every evening culminating in this evening when there was a loud bang on my bedroom window.
I knew that the kids were over at neighbours and assumed that they were being a bit naughty in trying to get my attention. Then there was the second, third and fourth snowballs and I got up and shouted out of the window like a fish wife. Of course, it was him and the kids.
He came up to see me and lay down on the bed next to me (all 6'1" and 17st) and said to me "You are feeling really weak and tired, aren't you". I nodded whilst looking as poorly as possible. "I could shag you now was his reply". "I could lay on top of you and you wouldn't be able to move".
That's about all I needed and it made me laugh (hurting my beaten up ribs), so we just sat there talking the usual unprintable rubbish for the next hour.
I've got some of the new medication down and eaten a little and am hoping for a better day tomorrow and also hoping to avoid coming into contact with any more sexual deviants. It's bad enough keeping my own company.
The whole country has been under a big snowy blanket and I have been under a big white duvet.
It is likely that my problems have been largely caused by medication and it would be good to think that is the case.
There is one drug that I have overlooked taking regularly because it makes me sick and, in combination with the stent, it may be at the root of my ills. After discussions with the Marsden and my GP we have changed the drug, so I will find out over the next couple of days whether things improve. I hope that they do because I have been pretty useless since Monday afternoon. Eating has been a very nervous affair and it has been difficult to keep anything down, hence I have been very weak.
Even my mother has been notable by the lack of phone calls as she opts to give me space to recover, but not so Notoplip. He has been ringing me on his drive home through the snow every evening culminating in this evening when there was a loud bang on my bedroom window.
I knew that the kids were over at neighbours and assumed that they were being a bit naughty in trying to get my attention. Then there was the second, third and fourth snowballs and I got up and shouted out of the window like a fish wife. Of course, it was him and the kids.
He came up to see me and lay down on the bed next to me (all 6'1" and 17st) and said to me "You are feeling really weak and tired, aren't you". I nodded whilst looking as poorly as possible. "I could shag you now was his reply". "I could lay on top of you and you wouldn't be able to move".
That's about all I needed and it made me laugh (hurting my beaten up ribs), so we just sat there talking the usual unprintable rubbish for the next hour.
I've got some of the new medication down and eaten a little and am hoping for a better day tomorrow and also hoping to avoid coming into contact with any more sexual deviants. It's bad enough keeping my own company.
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