I haven't written much about the kids on the blog, but they are of course always uppermost in Kitten and my thoughts and deeds. I had succumbed this year and, at the time I was diagnosed, we were planning a trip to Disney Florida. Our year now takes on a completely different light.
Kitten has many years experience of child-care experience, whether nannying for investment bankers in Hong Kong, looking after day nurseries or simply child minding. She harbours a great deal of knowledge of how to get the best out of children and how to cope with different situations. Parenting your own children brings its own challenges but dealing with the current situation is something that neither or us would have expected or anticipated.
In the initial phases of living with the disease it is inevitable that the focus has to be on the person who is ill. However, you do your best to help the kids and we started the process early. We discussed our approach with each other and we sought out guidance from professionals, via the hospital, because that help is there.
I am a person who generally believes that problems can be dealt with and kept within the family, but something like this is outside our experience and our children are still at very vulnerable ages (5 and 8).
I'm not one for support groups, and whilst I would support Kitten in any way she wished to approach the issue, the Marsden offered us help via their on-site child pscyhologist.
Before we saw the psychologist we had already talked to the children and told them all about my problem and about cancer. Children are perceptive and even if they don't know what is wrong, they know that something is wrong. We preferred to include them directly in the situation so that we could all pull together as a family.
Everybody's situation is different and there are lots of ways of addressing the issues but ours has always been one of openness. Of course, once you have brought your children in it then becomes another facet to the everyday parenting issues that you have to deal with. It is not nice to have to put something like that on your children and it also makes things more difficult when there may be other issues that you are aleady trying to manage with your children at the time.
The psychologist at the Marsden felt that we were already doing a good job and was very helpful. We have had two visits (the second being on the morning that I started my chemotherapy) and the sessions, which are yet to involve the children, have focused more on dealing with existing issues that may have been magnified by the addition of my disease.
Suffice to say that we have made a lot of effort to help our children, as has everyone around us including the childrens' school who have been very supportive.
Before I was diagnosed, our daughter was the cause of most of our headaches. She is a strong and willful character but also very sensitive and loving, it is pleasing to see that she has changed enormoulsy for the better over the last couple of months and is very helpful and considerate. She still has her moments, but there aren't many children who don't. The advantage of dealing with "Boogle" is that she will speak her mind, so you can undertand how she is feeling and you can help her.
Little Huffty on the other hand has presented different challenges. He has traditionally been the easy going "compliant" one. The problem for us was that he was ill with a nasty combination of infections shortly before I was diagnosed and his recovery seemed to concide with a more general opening of his imagination. His own situation has revolved around fear. He suddenly became not just afraid of the dark but every noise or movement that he sensed. This spilled over from bedtime into daytime with not wanting to go to a different part of the house on his own. It may be that his initial predicament has been exasperated by fear over his daddy's illness. We don't know that but it is unlikely to have helped the little fella.
Kitten and I struggled to get a decent night's sleep for a good couple of months at a time when we could have used it most, and that is difficult but things are now easing.
It was during this latest visit that it dawned on us that the problems that we were now dealing with were focused on Huffty rather than Boogle. The dynamic in the family seems to have changed. We were offered some practical advice on how to break down Huffty's fears step by step and we are using this to good effect in tandem with help that we have received from our family doctor.
We seem to be making good progress as a family unit and the fact that my body seems to be dealing with the chemotherapy will make it easier for us to continue to progress.
First and foremost the journey with cancer is about survival, but the cloesr you can get to normality, keeping the love rooted where it belongs the better. Ultimately, you may not have a choice in what your body decides to do, but I believe that one's state of mind will have an effect of sorts upon it.
Assuming that we all make it to the otherside "of the pond" the family will be a stronger unit and we will all be stronger people. I don't expect it to be plain sailing but we have much more cause to be optimistic than a couple of months ago.
Hi, Just been catching up with all your posts. Been up in the far North near Mordor or was that Rhyl? Looks like you've had a busy week. Love the hair loss video. You have a warped sense of humour.
ReplyDeleteHi Gandalf, every wizard must have his own path.
ReplyDeleteMine is a warped but wondrous one.
I hope that you all enjoyed your break after what has been a busy family time for you, Bee and the kids.
We will be in North Wales next weekend and will be enjoying some coast and hopefully some sunshine