OUCH!!!!
I read and hear that there have been many good wishes and thoughts sent my way over the last few days. I thought I should let everyone know that I'm doing well, hobbling around as well as resting as much as possible.
When I mentioned to a friend that I was having some faulty valves removed, she likend me to an old boiler! Friends hey!
I'm very much like my mother - Vera as Swordfish likens her to - and find it difficult to rest and do, well, very little. However, I realise this time, the importance of letting the leg heal slowly and in good time. My surgical stockings are the sexiest available and will be a part of my life for the next 3 weeks. Thank goodnes it's winter!!
Boogle and Huffty are taking it in turn playing doctor for the day, dishing out medication and regular cups of tea. Huffty had said he was worried in case I ended up with crutches but I believe he is secretly disappointed that I don't have any for him to swing from! Boogle has been 'suffering' arm ache, leg ache, head ache and toothache to name but a few ailments. Hmmm! I wonder if she needs some attention!
Anyway a huge thank you to all for the kind messages and calls. I'm sure it won't be long before I'm running - ha ha - around after everyone again. And I can't wait! x
Finally, just a short reminder ...................OUCH!!!!
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
Tuesday, 9 November 2010
Positives and Negatives
Jack and Vera are at Tesco's picking up a few bits and pieces and Kitten is resting her poorly leg on the sofa whilst watching television.
So, it is "all quiet on the Western Front".
I am trying to get myself back into a fit state to work. The main obstacle is food and I don't think that there is much chance of me making it into the office near-term, unless it is just for a few hours.
Things have got more difficult from the point of view of just swallowing over the last few days and I have been largely living off milkshakes. The problem is that this is consolidating my weight loss after the cold rather than rectifying it. I attempted to eat some rice pudding this morning just to get a few more calories in and my stomach was doing cartwheels for the next two hours.
Going into next week I have a few major worries. All of these could have been caused by the treatment itself, so there is no need to panic but they do give me reason for concern
1) Swallowing is becoming more diffcult and at this stage I would have thought it would ease a little
2) The constant dull ache that I get from the main site of the tumour seems to have extended down into the stomach
3) My stomach really doesn't seem to like many foods at all any more
From a positive perspective
1) I am not experiencing pain in my oesophagus when eating. This because the ulceration from the radiotherapy will have eased
2) Although I am finding it difficult to find things to eat and having to constantly tamper with my diet there always seems to be a route out
3) My position seems much more stable that a few weeks ago
4) All of the symptoms that I am experiencing could be attributable to the treatment
So, it is "all quiet on the Western Front".
I am trying to get myself back into a fit state to work. The main obstacle is food and I don't think that there is much chance of me making it into the office near-term, unless it is just for a few hours.
Things have got more difficult from the point of view of just swallowing over the last few days and I have been largely living off milkshakes. The problem is that this is consolidating my weight loss after the cold rather than rectifying it. I attempted to eat some rice pudding this morning just to get a few more calories in and my stomach was doing cartwheels for the next two hours.
Going into next week I have a few major worries. All of these could have been caused by the treatment itself, so there is no need to panic but they do give me reason for concern
1) Swallowing is becoming more diffcult and at this stage I would have thought it would ease a little
2) The constant dull ache that I get from the main site of the tumour seems to have extended down into the stomach
3) My stomach really doesn't seem to like many foods at all any more
From a positive perspective
1) I am not experiencing pain in my oesophagus when eating. This because the ulceration from the radiotherapy will have eased
2) Although I am finding it difficult to find things to eat and having to constantly tamper with my diet there always seems to be a route out
3) My position seems much more stable that a few weeks ago
4) All of the symptoms that I am experiencing could be attributable to the treatment
Monday, 8 November 2010
Another Comedy Moment
So, Jack and I went to pick up Kitten from the hospital.
We were met by a nurse as we approached the ward and were asked to sit in the waiting room until Kitten was ready.
A couple of minutes later a different nurse came and told me that my wife wanted me to help her get dressed.
I was relaxed and looking forward to seeing Kitten and as the nurse and I were walking through the ward I was quipping "It's nothing that I haven't seen before anyway". "I should hope so", she replied.
So she pulled back the curtain to the cubicle. I looked in and said....
"That's not my wife!"
Sure enough the nurse had confused me with one of the other men who was waiting to pick up his wife.
The nurses and I thought it was funny, but I am not sure how the poor woman reacted. Fortunately she was in a perfectly decent state when I saw her.
Anyway, Kitten is back and upstairs in bed with her leg elevated as per instructions
We were met by a nurse as we approached the ward and were asked to sit in the waiting room until Kitten was ready.
A couple of minutes later a different nurse came and told me that my wife wanted me to help her get dressed.
I was relaxed and looking forward to seeing Kitten and as the nurse and I were walking through the ward I was quipping "It's nothing that I haven't seen before anyway". "I should hope so", she replied.
So she pulled back the curtain to the cubicle. I looked in and said....
"That's not my wife!"
Sure enough the nurse had confused me with one of the other men who was waiting to pick up his wife.
The nurses and I thought it was funny, but I am not sure how the poor woman reacted. Fortunately she was in a perfectly decent state when I saw her.
Anyway, Kitten is back and upstairs in bed with her leg elevated as per instructions
Kitten Ready for collection
Kitten is out of theatre and I will be "ready for collection" at 5:15pm.
Perhaps I should take her a saucer of milk?
Jack and I will be going to pick her up.
Many thanks to everyone for the well wishes for both Kitten and me today. We have had many texts, emails and calls.
Perhaps I should take her a saucer of milk?
Jack and I will be going to pick her up.
Many thanks to everyone for the well wishes for both Kitten and me today. We have had many texts, emails and calls.
Positive Thinking
When you have a serious illness such as cancer the phrase that gets wheeled out the most is that you "have to think positively".
Some people say it because they don't know what else to say, some people say it with a conviction that borders on a crusade and some to lift you when they can see that you are struggling.
I am a lucky person, not just because of the strong network of support that I have around me but also because I am surrounded by open people. Being surrounded by open people means that they do not feel uncomfortable knowing that I am ill and they communicate freely with me. There is little sense of stigma around me and there is a generosity of spirit which is not implied because individuals express it freely whether with words, hugs or by deliberately trying to incentivize me.
We live in different times to thirty or forty years ago when the the "Big C" was something that was whispered much like Lord Voldermort is in the Harry Potter franchise. That was because of both different attitudes prevailing in society and because there was less hope of cure from even non-advanced states of the disease.
I am a positive person by my nature but I am also pragmatic. I have spent my working lifetime solving problems and realising that they don't get solved by thinking positively about them. More often they get solved by hard graft, determination and creative solution. Having said that, one cannot solve anything without having the desire and belief that it can be done.
The type of cancer I have is a pernicious and voracious one. Having failed to be suitable for surgery after the standard treatment it is clear that the odds are not stacked in my favour. Having been a borderline case to start with I was reclassified as a "locally advanced" case and that isn't the sort of language that one wants to hear.
When I was going through the standard chemotherapy treatment I was breezing it. I was being told how well I was doing, not just by the people around me but also people at the hospital. I was praised for my positive approach and my willingness to engage with the process and my level of understanding. Inside I was happy to feel comfortable that I would have an operation, more chemotherapy and then I would be better. It would be a bad year and nothing more.
That wasn't an effort to think positively it was simply how I felt.
Then came the shock. No operation and a week of deliberation as to whether there was prospect of any further treatment.
Positive thinking is of benefit but it does not cure a rampant cancer. The stage and type of disease and the body's ability to rebound are all factors.
In this second stage of treatment I have been utterly hammered, which is what I thought I was originally in for. There have been so many difficulties to deal with and there is no doubt that it has challenged my spirit. I have felt helpless, hopeless and just plain fatigued physically, mentally and emotionally.
Regardless of the duress I have been under, it is in my nature to believe that somehow I will pull through. The difficult times have called me to question that but whilst there is still a decent shred of hope I will continue to believe it.
The odd thing is that having had a difficult time I am more optimistic about the outcome because I have little expectation. There are still doubts though primarily because of the symptoms I have been experiencing. There is nothing to stop this cancer going secondary whilst I am waiting. That has been clearly spelled out for me and the symptoms I have been experiencing in my stomach would cause worry for the most evangelistic positive thinker.
I remain pragmatic. This treatment was billed as the last throw of the dice and I hope that I have enough luck to pull me through.
If I can come through and be fit for surgery then there is still a gruelling road ahead, but one that will once again be filled with optimism. Optimism, positive thinking (call it what you want) makes the load feel much lighter but the darker days broaden one's horizons and are the essence of the journey.
Some people say it because they don't know what else to say, some people say it with a conviction that borders on a crusade and some to lift you when they can see that you are struggling.
I am a lucky person, not just because of the strong network of support that I have around me but also because I am surrounded by open people. Being surrounded by open people means that they do not feel uncomfortable knowing that I am ill and they communicate freely with me. There is little sense of stigma around me and there is a generosity of spirit which is not implied because individuals express it freely whether with words, hugs or by deliberately trying to incentivize me.
We live in different times to thirty or forty years ago when the the "Big C" was something that was whispered much like Lord Voldermort is in the Harry Potter franchise. That was because of both different attitudes prevailing in society and because there was less hope of cure from even non-advanced states of the disease.
I am a positive person by my nature but I am also pragmatic. I have spent my working lifetime solving problems and realising that they don't get solved by thinking positively about them. More often they get solved by hard graft, determination and creative solution. Having said that, one cannot solve anything without having the desire and belief that it can be done.
The type of cancer I have is a pernicious and voracious one. Having failed to be suitable for surgery after the standard treatment it is clear that the odds are not stacked in my favour. Having been a borderline case to start with I was reclassified as a "locally advanced" case and that isn't the sort of language that one wants to hear.
When I was going through the standard chemotherapy treatment I was breezing it. I was being told how well I was doing, not just by the people around me but also people at the hospital. I was praised for my positive approach and my willingness to engage with the process and my level of understanding. Inside I was happy to feel comfortable that I would have an operation, more chemotherapy and then I would be better. It would be a bad year and nothing more.
That wasn't an effort to think positively it was simply how I felt.
Then came the shock. No operation and a week of deliberation as to whether there was prospect of any further treatment.
Positive thinking is of benefit but it does not cure a rampant cancer. The stage and type of disease and the body's ability to rebound are all factors.
In this second stage of treatment I have been utterly hammered, which is what I thought I was originally in for. There have been so many difficulties to deal with and there is no doubt that it has challenged my spirit. I have felt helpless, hopeless and just plain fatigued physically, mentally and emotionally.
Regardless of the duress I have been under, it is in my nature to believe that somehow I will pull through. The difficult times have called me to question that but whilst there is still a decent shred of hope I will continue to believe it.
The odd thing is that having had a difficult time I am more optimistic about the outcome because I have little expectation. There are still doubts though primarily because of the symptoms I have been experiencing. There is nothing to stop this cancer going secondary whilst I am waiting. That has been clearly spelled out for me and the symptoms I have been experiencing in my stomach would cause worry for the most evangelistic positive thinker.
I remain pragmatic. This treatment was billed as the last throw of the dice and I hope that I have enough luck to pull me through.
If I can come through and be fit for surgery then there is still a gruelling road ahead, but one that will once again be filled with optimism. Optimism, positive thinking (call it what you want) makes the load feel much lighter but the darker days broaden one's horizons and are the essence of the journey.
Back on t'internet and the Day's Events
No need for an engineer. The Internet provider "fessed up" that they had a problem and it is sorted.
I've had my scan and, of course, there is nothing to report until I have the consultation next Monday. That will be the most important day of the process since the last most important day of the process. Whilst that may sound flippant it is important to stay stoical in the face of what are life deciding events. If it was something like my Internet not being fixed I would probably be in a flap.
Kitten is getting ready for her trip to hospital now. We are a National Health conveyor belt system here this morning. She maintains that she is always cool when approaching an operation but always looses it when she meets the anaesthetist and breaks down into a blubbering wreck.
She should be in and out during the course of the afternoon and then the focus will just be on getting her better as quickly as possible.
Hopefully we will both be in a much better place by next Monday.
I've had my scan and, of course, there is nothing to report until I have the consultation next Monday. That will be the most important day of the process since the last most important day of the process. Whilst that may sound flippant it is important to stay stoical in the face of what are life deciding events. If it was something like my Internet not being fixed I would probably be in a flap.
Kitten is getting ready for her trip to hospital now. We are a National Health conveyor belt system here this morning. She maintains that she is always cool when approaching an operation but always looses it when she meets the anaesthetist and breaks down into a blubbering wreck.
She should be in and out during the course of the afternoon and then the focus will just be on getting her better as quickly as possible.
Hopefully we will both be in a much better place by next Monday.
What - No Internet!!
Our Internet connection is broken and is scheduled to be fixed on Wednesday afternoon.
I will keep things updated but brief as I am tapping away on my iPhone.
My scan is at 8:40am this morning then Kitten goes in for surgery on her leg at midday.
Jack and Vera have settled nicely.
I will keep things updated but brief as I am tapping away on my iPhone.
My scan is at 8:40am this morning then Kitten goes in for surgery on her leg at midday.
Jack and Vera have settled nicely.
Friday, 5 November 2010
The Outlaws from North Wales
The "Outlaws from North Wales" is how I like to refer to the in-laws and it plays on the Clint Eastwood film name "The Outlaw Josey Wales".
They are, of course, wonderful people and it is a good job because I have toput up with them (ahem) I mean put them up for the next week. They have kindly offered to help whilst Kitten is incapacitated by the operation that she is having on her leg this coming Monday.
I didn't meet Kitten's parents until nearly a year and a half after we started dating, which was add odds with the fact that she was introduced to mine very quickly. In fact when I said that we would be visiting it seemed that the news reverberated around the villages of South Wales because many of them turned up to Cymraes' house to check her out. OK, so I exaggerate a little and it was in fact the the usual "culprits", but there are plenty of them!
It was only a year after meeting Kitten that I went to Ibiza for the summer on my sabbatical from work. I went on my own as that was what I had always planned to do but, as I have said before, Kitten and I revised the plans and she came out to join me for the last three months.
We were engaged on our return and so we thought it more than about time that I met the prospective outlaws.
I remember the introduction very well because, having driven for four hours to get there around midnight the opening chit-chat was about our summer. At this point I guess that I should give Kitten's mum and dad individual names so, how about Jack and Vera. That will carry some significance for Coronation Street fans.
Whilst we were still milling around on arrival and offers of tea and coffee were being made, Kitten's mother said "Did you both come back on the ferry?". This was a reasonable question as I had driven out there but Kitten and I had flown out together after I had come back for the weekend for the Boxer's wedding.
I told her that we had and her next question was "Did you have a berth?".
I replied without any prior thought (as is my normal way) "No, it's OK we used contraception".
This is, perhaps, not a line you should use when meeting your fiancee's parents but her dad "Jack" quickly covered me by saying "You asked for that".
There was a huge irony behind this exchange because, unbeknown to Kitten and I she was already pregnant with the Boogle and we only found out a month later.
The tone was set for my relationship with the in-laws and the fact is that we have always got on very well. They are very accommodating and have the appropriate measure of tolerance to deal with me. I believe that they have also very much enjoyed the addition of two grandchildren to their family and the stability that Kitten and my relationship has afforded.
So, they are here for a week. Yes a whole bloody week :-)
Both their visits to us and our visits to them are normally accompanied by large quantities of vino tinto consumption, but that has been off the menu for me for quite some time now. It was their Christmas visit of last year that finally drove me to the doctor's. It wasn't the company, rather it was that after just one or two glasses of wine each night I was suffering from restless legs and feeling tired by 8-9pm. We now know that was caused by the anaemia and was one of the key symptoms in getting me to diagnosis.
So they will have to glug the odd glass themselves, but their help in ferrying the children around and generally in the house will be very much appreciated for the next week.
Kitten's mum has been poorly herself recently, so we also need to make sure that she doesn't overdo it. If you knew her then you would know that is easier said than done.
They are, of course, wonderful people and it is a good job because I have to
I didn't meet Kitten's parents until nearly a year and a half after we started dating, which was add odds with the fact that she was introduced to mine very quickly. In fact when I said that we would be visiting it seemed that the news reverberated around the villages of South Wales because many of them turned up to Cymraes' house to check her out. OK, so I exaggerate a little and it was in fact the the usual "culprits", but there are plenty of them!
It was only a year after meeting Kitten that I went to Ibiza for the summer on my sabbatical from work. I went on my own as that was what I had always planned to do but, as I have said before, Kitten and I revised the plans and she came out to join me for the last three months.
We were engaged on our return and so we thought it more than about time that I met the prospective outlaws.
I remember the introduction very well because, having driven for four hours to get there around midnight the opening chit-chat was about our summer. At this point I guess that I should give Kitten's mum and dad individual names so, how about Jack and Vera. That will carry some significance for Coronation Street fans.
Whilst we were still milling around on arrival and offers of tea and coffee were being made, Kitten's mother said "Did you both come back on the ferry?". This was a reasonable question as I had driven out there but Kitten and I had flown out together after I had come back for the weekend for the Boxer's wedding.
I told her that we had and her next question was "Did you have a berth?".
I replied without any prior thought (as is my normal way) "No, it's OK we used contraception".
This is, perhaps, not a line you should use when meeting your fiancee's parents but her dad "Jack" quickly covered me by saying "You asked for that".
There was a huge irony behind this exchange because, unbeknown to Kitten and I she was already pregnant with the Boogle and we only found out a month later.
The tone was set for my relationship with the in-laws and the fact is that we have always got on very well. They are very accommodating and have the appropriate measure of tolerance to deal with me. I believe that they have also very much enjoyed the addition of two grandchildren to their family and the stability that Kitten and my relationship has afforded.
So, they are here for a week. Yes a whole bloody week :-)
Both their visits to us and our visits to them are normally accompanied by large quantities of vino tinto consumption, but that has been off the menu for me for quite some time now. It was their Christmas visit of last year that finally drove me to the doctor's. It wasn't the company, rather it was that after just one or two glasses of wine each night I was suffering from restless legs and feeling tired by 8-9pm. We now know that was caused by the anaemia and was one of the key symptoms in getting me to diagnosis.
So they will have to glug the odd glass themselves, but their help in ferrying the children around and generally in the house will be very much appreciated for the next week.
Kitten's mum has been poorly herself recently, so we also need to make sure that she doesn't overdo it. If you knew her then you would know that is easier said than done.
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Nebulisers and Diet
I have been continuing to try and find some kind of equilibrium after my cold last week but it is not proving to be easy.
The constant sickness caused by the combination of eating and the cold's aftermath have been particularly trying and I have taken two courses of action
Virtually the only medication I take is a standard antacid tablet, but in dissolvable form. That has been aggravating the problem so I have not been taking it. It is probably the removal of this which has been causing the stomach gripes, which are now at such a level that they could be described as rampant and are my major problem. So, I have started back on the tablets and hope that the combination of a more varied diet and the nebuliser will get me back on track.
It has been a long and difficult week though and perhaps it shows why I am not just sitting here fretting about the events of the next couple of weeks. Often there is enough to cope with on a day to day basis.
The constant sickness caused by the combination of eating and the cold's aftermath have been particularly trying and I have taken two courses of action
- Kitten has been shopping for alternatives to my predominantly dairy based diet
- I have contacted the hospital and they have provided me with a saline nebuliser
Virtually the only medication I take is a standard antacid tablet, but in dissolvable form. That has been aggravating the problem so I have not been taking it. It is probably the removal of this which has been causing the stomach gripes, which are now at such a level that they could be described as rampant and are my major problem. So, I have started back on the tablets and hope that the combination of a more varied diet and the nebuliser will get me back on track.
It has been a long and difficult week though and perhaps it shows why I am not just sitting here fretting about the events of the next couple of weeks. Often there is enough to cope with on a day to day basis.
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
Battling away
When I started the blog I said that I did not see my journey through cancer as being a "fight" against the illness.
My rationale was that the illness is part of me and I cannot be fighting myself.
I am still of that opinion but, what I have found is that, there are battles to be fought along the way (such as with the blood transfusion and last round of chemotherapy) and that there are periods (such as the last ten weeks), which have become a constant battle.
The battle in the last 10 weeks or so has seemed as being never-ending and the problems have been largely caused by the treatment. It is a moot point as to whether I am battling the disease or battling the treatment. The salient point is that I am really having to dig in.
The most recent obstacle is that since my cold of last week swallowing has been very difficult without the food becoming stuck. This applies to liquid form as well as slightly heavier foods such as rice pudding. There are nasty side effects to this but the primary issue of concern is that I have lost weight. I have lost about five or six pounds in the last week and it is weight that I can ill-afford to lose.
The last place I want to be is to be considered to be operable from the viewpoint of the cancer but not to be operable because of the weight loss.
The net result is that through the difficulty of eating I am virtually force feeding myself, but it is difficult to get through a meal without being ill. I am currently eating lots of small meals and just keeping it going.
It would be nice to think that conditions will soon be back to pre-cold conditions of early next week, but I am not counting on it.
When I come to the scan there are no guarantees that the results will be favourable and it must be remembered that I started the whole process as a borderline case and also only sneaked in for the latest round of treatment rather than being considered a palliative case.
What I can do is hold my head high and be proud that I have done everything in my power to get myself to the operating table and on to cure. I have changed elements of my behaviour, habits and anything else you care to mention to achieve success for the best of reasons.
The outcome is "in the lap of the gods", but I hope that I have at least given them something to think about and I will be happy with even a marginal nod of approval from them.
My rationale was that the illness is part of me and I cannot be fighting myself.
I am still of that opinion but, what I have found is that, there are battles to be fought along the way (such as with the blood transfusion and last round of chemotherapy) and that there are periods (such as the last ten weeks), which have become a constant battle.
The battle in the last 10 weeks or so has seemed as being never-ending and the problems have been largely caused by the treatment. It is a moot point as to whether I am battling the disease or battling the treatment. The salient point is that I am really having to dig in.
The most recent obstacle is that since my cold of last week swallowing has been very difficult without the food becoming stuck. This applies to liquid form as well as slightly heavier foods such as rice pudding. There are nasty side effects to this but the primary issue of concern is that I have lost weight. I have lost about five or six pounds in the last week and it is weight that I can ill-afford to lose.
The last place I want to be is to be considered to be operable from the viewpoint of the cancer but not to be operable because of the weight loss.
The net result is that through the difficulty of eating I am virtually force feeding myself, but it is difficult to get through a meal without being ill. I am currently eating lots of small meals and just keeping it going.
It would be nice to think that conditions will soon be back to pre-cold conditions of early next week, but I am not counting on it.
When I come to the scan there are no guarantees that the results will be favourable and it must be remembered that I started the whole process as a borderline case and also only sneaked in for the latest round of treatment rather than being considered a palliative case.
What I can do is hold my head high and be proud that I have done everything in my power to get myself to the operating table and on to cure. I have changed elements of my behaviour, habits and anything else you care to mention to achieve success for the best of reasons.
The outcome is "in the lap of the gods", but I hope that I have at least given them something to think about and I will be happy with even a marginal nod of approval from them.
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