What I have been writing about over the last few have been unpalatable but significant events which accurately represent my recent treatment induced decline. I very much doubt if the tone of the blog will change over the next week due to the amount of treatment coming my way, but there are more joyous occasions on horizon.
Whilst I tend to focus on each day as it comes there is a significant date in a couple of weeks as the first of my female cousins on my mother's side is going to have a baby. Roxy, as she is known on here, is not only my cousin (my mother's sister's daughter) but she is also my goddaughter. I wish her well over this last period of pregnancy and I can't wait to see the baby. A special mention also to Crazy Cuz who is Gandalf's daughter (Gandalf being my mother's brother). I believe that Crazy Cuz is due in October.
The kids will be going to North Wales to the "Outlaws" at the end of the week where they are sure to have a good time. They will be staying for a week and Kitten will be driving them up there but will be returning the following day. Cymraes will be coming to see us for the weekend, starting on Thursday.
Treatments will mean that I will have to kick back though I will be in work tomorrow but will be sure to be taking things easier.
Sunday, 15 August 2010
Oh What a Night!
Birthday celebrations today will be low key due to a bit of a torrid night last night.
Up until now I have still been able to get my chemotherapy tablets down. Not any more!
I had three hours of utter agony last night, which I will spare the details. Suffice to say that I said to to Kitten this morning that the pain must have been close to child birth. She was quick with the response when she said "I think so, because you certainly made more noise than I did. It is a good job we have to do the giving birth".
A fair point but perhaps an indication of the level of pain I was in.
I have persisted with taking the tablets whole until now because that is how they work best but, as of this morning, I am dissolving them for which there are lengthy instructions from the hospital.
So we have a tired Swordfish and Kitten but still in one piece and looking forward to a good but simple day.
It is a good job that I am seeing the Mad Canadian again tomorrow because the contractions that he tumour was giving courtesy of stuck tablets were having the antagonistic effect on my back and it was going into spasm from top to bottom.
That said I feel surprisingly OK today and in some ways Kitten got the worse end of the deal as, having dealt with me Huffty then persisted in waking up through the night.
Up until now I have still been able to get my chemotherapy tablets down. Not any more!
I had three hours of utter agony last night, which I will spare the details. Suffice to say that I said to to Kitten this morning that the pain must have been close to child birth. She was quick with the response when she said "I think so, because you certainly made more noise than I did. It is a good job we have to do the giving birth".
A fair point but perhaps an indication of the level of pain I was in.
I have persisted with taking the tablets whole until now because that is how they work best but, as of this morning, I am dissolving them for which there are lengthy instructions from the hospital.
So we have a tired Swordfish and Kitten but still in one piece and looking forward to a good but simple day.
It is a good job that I am seeing the Mad Canadian again tomorrow because the contractions that he tumour was giving courtesy of stuck tablets were having the antagonistic effect on my back and it was going into spasm from top to bottom.
That said I feel surprisingly OK today and in some ways Kitten got the worse end of the deal as, having dealt with me Huffty then persisted in waking up through the night.
Saturday, 14 August 2010
A Day of Rest
After taking Huffty to football this morning where I stood and sat down (hardly challenging but nevertheless tiring for me today), I have done nothing but lie on the settee, watch television and snooze.
To be honest it is long overdue even if I don't feel any better for it.
I'm continuing my treatment with the Mad Canadian on Monday and I will be making every effort to keep this little body charged.
Kitten and I are getting to grips with the diet side of things, which is not particularly inspiring but still capable of variety. The secret is to try and get as many "good calories" in with as little intake. Undoubtedly, I will be using supplement drinks going forward and I have some of my own tricks up my sleeve. When I used to do heavier weight training I used to make my own supplement drink from egg whites, skimmed milk powder, water and chopped up banana. It was a supplement between meals, full of protein and carbohydrate but not to overdone of the fatty side. It also benefited from added vitamins and minerals in the skimmed milk powder.
At the moment I am sitting down to some soup, to which Kitten has added minced garlic chicken. She has had a food processor as a gift from her parents for the last two years and it is the first time she has used it. I get the feeling that it may be coming in for some heavy usage in the near term!
Meanwhile this resting malarkey can be taxing. How much footie, old episodes of Top Gear and current episodes of Red Bull X-Fighters can a Swordfish watch?
To be honest it is long overdue even if I don't feel any better for it.
I'm continuing my treatment with the Mad Canadian on Monday and I will be making every effort to keep this little body charged.
Kitten and I are getting to grips with the diet side of things, which is not particularly inspiring but still capable of variety. The secret is to try and get as many "good calories" in with as little intake. Undoubtedly, I will be using supplement drinks going forward and I have some of my own tricks up my sleeve. When I used to do heavier weight training I used to make my own supplement drink from egg whites, skimmed milk powder, water and chopped up banana. It was a supplement between meals, full of protein and carbohydrate but not to overdone of the fatty side. It also benefited from added vitamins and minerals in the skimmed milk powder.
At the moment I am sitting down to some soup, to which Kitten has added minced garlic chicken. She has had a food processor as a gift from her parents for the last two years and it is the first time she has used it. I get the feeling that it may be coming in for some heavy usage in the near term!
Meanwhile this resting malarkey can be taxing. How much footie, old episodes of Top Gear and current episodes of Red Bull X-Fighters can a Swordfish watch?
Light and Shade
It is obvious from the tone of the blog this week that this period has been difficult.
There can be no surprises here being deep into the fifth cycle of chemotherapy and two and a half weeks into some heavy duty radiotherapy.
The radiotherapy was always likely to affect my physical condition, especially when in conjunction with chemotherapy, but I am a little surprised by how quickly it has impacted.
Eating is not only difficult now but it is painful too. There is nothing that I can eat or drink in comfort. There is constant pain in my chest and back and in any swallowing action in the oesophagus. This pain is at perfectly tolerable level though.
Yesterday was a bad day because whilst at work I got into trouble just trying to swallow half a painkiller, so it is a good job that I had covered this base at my clinic appointment on Thursday. Whilst I spent yesterday morning from 10 until 1 in a lot of discomfort I was at least able to pick up some heavy duty soluble painkillers yesterday afternoon.
At this stage I don't want to take painkillers regularly. I would rather do what I said that I was going to do and rest more and just take painkillers when necessary. I can be my own worst enemy and have just put in another sizeable shift this week at work, but now even I recognise that it is time reign things in.
Whilst the week has been difficult, it has been so due most probably to the treatment, so there is no cause for concern. Whilst I breezed though the first 3 cycles of chemotherapy on my way to a supposed operation date in July this is now much tougher but the spirits are still raised even though the energy levels may not be, courtesy of the anaemia and the effects of the programme.
Tomorrow we will have a gentle celebration of my forthcoming 45th bithday, so that should be good fun for the family and we expect to be joined by the Notoplip clan. We are yet to finalise arrangements but, if the weather is good, I fancy something simple like a boat trip down the Thames and a walk down the riverside or some time in Richmond park having a stroll and a picnic. We will see what the consensus is.
I have taken Huffty to football this morning whereas Kitten has taken Boogle ice-skating as I didn't feel up to it but even standing for a couple of hours has left me a little drained. It's time to pull the "man flu" mindset and get some service around here :-)
I'll probably get "lumped" for that last comment as Kitten looks after me well. I still haven't put a duvet cover on!
There can be no surprises here being deep into the fifth cycle of chemotherapy and two and a half weeks into some heavy duty radiotherapy.
The radiotherapy was always likely to affect my physical condition, especially when in conjunction with chemotherapy, but I am a little surprised by how quickly it has impacted.
Eating is not only difficult now but it is painful too. There is nothing that I can eat or drink in comfort. There is constant pain in my chest and back and in any swallowing action in the oesophagus. This pain is at perfectly tolerable level though.
Yesterday was a bad day because whilst at work I got into trouble just trying to swallow half a painkiller, so it is a good job that I had covered this base at my clinic appointment on Thursday. Whilst I spent yesterday morning from 10 until 1 in a lot of discomfort I was at least able to pick up some heavy duty soluble painkillers yesterday afternoon.
At this stage I don't want to take painkillers regularly. I would rather do what I said that I was going to do and rest more and just take painkillers when necessary. I can be my own worst enemy and have just put in another sizeable shift this week at work, but now even I recognise that it is time reign things in.
Whilst the week has been difficult, it has been so due most probably to the treatment, so there is no cause for concern. Whilst I breezed though the first 3 cycles of chemotherapy on my way to a supposed operation date in July this is now much tougher but the spirits are still raised even though the energy levels may not be, courtesy of the anaemia and the effects of the programme.
Tomorrow we will have a gentle celebration of my forthcoming 45th bithday, so that should be good fun for the family and we expect to be joined by the Notoplip clan. We are yet to finalise arrangements but, if the weather is good, I fancy something simple like a boat trip down the Thames and a walk down the riverside or some time in Richmond park having a stroll and a picnic. We will see what the consensus is.
I have taken Huffty to football this morning whereas Kitten has taken Boogle ice-skating as I didn't feel up to it but even standing for a couple of hours has left me a little drained. It's time to pull the "man flu" mindset and get some service around here :-)
I'll probably get "lumped" for that last comment as Kitten looks after me well. I still haven't put a duvet cover on!
Friday, 13 August 2010
Humble Pie
Continuing on the theme of emotional issues, on reflection, I have had a lot to deal with this week.
The onset of some serious pain on Monday and Tuesday night was not something that I particularly want to occur on a regular basis though thankfully I retired last night both without pain and without taking pain killers.
On a more relevant note the major event this week is the realisation that I cannot eat "properly" anymore. Kitten has stocked up on some easy to eat foodstuffs - yesterday I sat down to very small pasta shells in a heavy carbonara sauce, which was manageable. The downside is that it is not just a matter of restriction but that eating or drinking anything is now quite a painful experience, due to the side effects of the radiotherapy.
I can cope with that but I don't like my children to see me wincing with pain when I am eating. It is now obvious to them that I am struggling at meal times and they are used to a father who takes the lead at the dinner table, always eating his food and usually the first to finish (though I don't hold the latter as a merit).
These are things that we will have to adjust to as a family but I don't think that any father relishes the prospect of showing signs of weakness to his children.
On a brighter note, humility has been a theme that has popped up a few times on my blog and I guess that I no longer need to be hostage to it. What do I base this on? Well in the early 90's Big G and I went to watch Ireland vs Wales in Dublin. At the time both teams were poor and they were playing to avoid the "wooden spoon". We were staying with Big G's parents and I arrogantly proclaimed that we would beat the Irish comfortably. I was wrong.
When I got home Big G's dad served me a whole pie, which he described as a "humble pie" and it was served with a big wooden spoon to eat it with. Even though I was uncomfortable with Wales' loss I was still very appreciative of the humour and was happy to take my medicine.
If anyone was to pull the same stunt now though, I would simply shrug my shoulders, lift my eyebrow and say
"Sorry, but I can't eat it".
The onset of some serious pain on Monday and Tuesday night was not something that I particularly want to occur on a regular basis though thankfully I retired last night both without pain and without taking pain killers.
On a more relevant note the major event this week is the realisation that I cannot eat "properly" anymore. Kitten has stocked up on some easy to eat foodstuffs - yesterday I sat down to very small pasta shells in a heavy carbonara sauce, which was manageable. The downside is that it is not just a matter of restriction but that eating or drinking anything is now quite a painful experience, due to the side effects of the radiotherapy.
I can cope with that but I don't like my children to see me wincing with pain when I am eating. It is now obvious to them that I am struggling at meal times and they are used to a father who takes the lead at the dinner table, always eating his food and usually the first to finish (though I don't hold the latter as a merit).
These are things that we will have to adjust to as a family but I don't think that any father relishes the prospect of showing signs of weakness to his children.
On a brighter note, humility has been a theme that has popped up a few times on my blog and I guess that I no longer need to be hostage to it. What do I base this on? Well in the early 90's Big G and I went to watch Ireland vs Wales in Dublin. At the time both teams were poor and they were playing to avoid the "wooden spoon". We were staying with Big G's parents and I arrogantly proclaimed that we would beat the Irish comfortably. I was wrong.
When I got home Big G's dad served me a whole pie, which he described as a "humble pie" and it was served with a big wooden spoon to eat it with. Even though I was uncomfortable with Wales' loss I was still very appreciative of the humour and was happy to take my medicine.
If anyone was to pull the same stunt now though, I would simply shrug my shoulders, lift my eyebrow and say
"Sorry, but I can't eat it".
Thursday, 12 August 2010
Update - Both Exoteric and Esoteric
This instalment covers a spectrum from Mad Canadians to blood transfusions.
Yesterday, I got the results of my latest blood tests and the trend of my haemoglobin levels has continued downwards.
Now that I am considerably below the preferable minimum for radiotherapy (actual 11 vs minimum 12) there is no alternative but to having a blood transfusion.
I cannot put forward a logical argument for not having one but, on an emotional level I just don't like the idea. Nevertheless it is the bigger picture that is important.
Given that I am not particularly happy about it the timing of the transfusion is impeccable. It will take place on my birthday next week, one day after my latest session of intravenous chemotherapy. They really know how to pile it on considering that I also had chemotherapy on my daughter's birthday but, as usual, I will shrug my shoulders and walk though it. Perhaps of greater concern is waiting that long for the transfusion with the count being low. The Marsden are looking to see if they can get an earlier appointment for me.
Given the load that is coming my way around my birthday I will be looking to celebrate quietly on Sunday to ensure that the day is free from hospital appointments and full of happiness.
So that leaves Mad Canadians. I had the pleasure of being treated by said man on what I envisage as a course of treatment. The Mad Canadian is fresh back from his family holidays in his motherland and he has embraced the wide open spaces and nature of the place. Looking suitably rejuvenated I am certainly hoping that he can pass some of that on to me.
At this stage my body is being hammered by the treatments and I feel that it is important to keep myself as vital as possible in a physical, mental and an emotional sense. My family and friend and I all help in this respect but it is also good to have assistance with someone where there is an easy rapport and where there is a variety of skill sets on hand.
The gloves are off and apart from giving my back a thorough and testy manipulation there was some digging deeper between the banter.
I feel that I am fairly adept at keeping myself on an even keel and I have a go forward approach that doesn't allow me to dwell on what is happening too much. There are, of course, moments and passages of play when I feel the gravity of what is happening. Moments can be simple things like closely shared times with the children. Those give me an instant window in what I will lose if things go "pear-shaped" on me. Then there are phases such as when I didn't know whether treatment would remain on a curative platform. These create which insecurity which is not self-induced simply because there are a number of directions that the experience could pull in, without an input or control from me.
Of course there are emotional currents that underpin these. Whilst I don't analyse or dwell on this it is obvious to the observer that they will eventually "pop out". A good example would be the back. Other than by accidental injury I have only had three occasions when my back has "gone"
The very fact that I am writing about this probably articulates that I consider these things more that most men do but it is difficult to know how to digger deeper into them more than I already do. This is what the Mad Canadian and I discussed for a while i.e. not holding onto the emotional issues which an illness like this causes.
When I am pumped full of steroids at the beginning of chemotherapy cycles I have moments when I feel outright anger but there must be a control of that because released unchecked it can be very destructive, as most know.
So I am considering channels to tap in deeper and an obvious for me is to dust down the decks and get mixing music once more. There is a connection when working with music that requires a concentration and a dynamism that is based on what you feel rather than what you think. Performance magnifies this due to the pressure that you work under, but simply exploring this therapeutic channel may pay dividends.
Then there is the poetry, which I haven't really explored for years. It accesses a deeper and more philosophical element of my thought process; slightly deeper than rugby, football, food, sex and beer, anyway.
It is difficult for me to talk about how I feel because there are only moments when the gravity of my situation stares me in the face and there is an acceptance from me that I can only do my best. So, in all honesty I do not really feel a lot, at least not on a superficial day to day level. Clearly, I am open about what is happening to me but I always believe in taking advice when it resonates with me.
With all this in mind I will be trying to find ways of engaging on a more emotional than logical level, but there is little chance of me dwelling too much, I would rather search for moments of happiness that I can share with those close to me. They are a great release in themself.
Yesterday, I got the results of my latest blood tests and the trend of my haemoglobin levels has continued downwards.
Now that I am considerably below the preferable minimum for radiotherapy (actual 11 vs minimum 12) there is no alternative but to having a blood transfusion.
I cannot put forward a logical argument for not having one but, on an emotional level I just don't like the idea. Nevertheless it is the bigger picture that is important.
Given that I am not particularly happy about it the timing of the transfusion is impeccable. It will take place on my birthday next week, one day after my latest session of intravenous chemotherapy. They really know how to pile it on considering that I also had chemotherapy on my daughter's birthday but, as usual, I will shrug my shoulders and walk though it. Perhaps of greater concern is waiting that long for the transfusion with the count being low. The Marsden are looking to see if they can get an earlier appointment for me.
Given the load that is coming my way around my birthday I will be looking to celebrate quietly on Sunday to ensure that the day is free from hospital appointments and full of happiness.
So that leaves Mad Canadians. I had the pleasure of being treated by said man on what I envisage as a course of treatment. The Mad Canadian is fresh back from his family holidays in his motherland and he has embraced the wide open spaces and nature of the place. Looking suitably rejuvenated I am certainly hoping that he can pass some of that on to me.
At this stage my body is being hammered by the treatments and I feel that it is important to keep myself as vital as possible in a physical, mental and an emotional sense. My family and friend and I all help in this respect but it is also good to have assistance with someone where there is an easy rapport and where there is a variety of skill sets on hand.
The gloves are off and apart from giving my back a thorough and testy manipulation there was some digging deeper between the banter.
I feel that I am fairly adept at keeping myself on an even keel and I have a go forward approach that doesn't allow me to dwell on what is happening too much. There are, of course, moments and passages of play when I feel the gravity of what is happening. Moments can be simple things like closely shared times with the children. Those give me an instant window in what I will lose if things go "pear-shaped" on me. Then there are phases such as when I didn't know whether treatment would remain on a curative platform. These create which insecurity which is not self-induced simply because there are a number of directions that the experience could pull in, without an input or control from me.
Of course there are emotional currents that underpin these. Whilst I don't analyse or dwell on this it is obvious to the observer that they will eventually "pop out". A good example would be the back. Other than by accidental injury I have only had three occasions when my back has "gone"
- The first was on a day when an ex-partner came pick up the rest of her stuff from my place on the same day as my parents moved back to Wales for good
- The second was near the beginning of this current process
- The third was a couple of weeks ago on that day of madness where the projected treatment was all over the place but ended up being my first day of radiotherapy and a new cycle if chemotherapy
The very fact that I am writing about this probably articulates that I consider these things more that most men do but it is difficult to know how to digger deeper into them more than I already do. This is what the Mad Canadian and I discussed for a while i.e. not holding onto the emotional issues which an illness like this causes.
When I am pumped full of steroids at the beginning of chemotherapy cycles I have moments when I feel outright anger but there must be a control of that because released unchecked it can be very destructive, as most know.
So I am considering channels to tap in deeper and an obvious for me is to dust down the decks and get mixing music once more. There is a connection when working with music that requires a concentration and a dynamism that is based on what you feel rather than what you think. Performance magnifies this due to the pressure that you work under, but simply exploring this therapeutic channel may pay dividends.
Then there is the poetry, which I haven't really explored for years. It accesses a deeper and more philosophical element of my thought process; slightly deeper than rugby, football, food, sex and beer, anyway.
It is difficult for me to talk about how I feel because there are only moments when the gravity of my situation stares me in the face and there is an acceptance from me that I can only do my best. So, in all honesty I do not really feel a lot, at least not on a superficial day to day level. Clearly, I am open about what is happening to me but I always believe in taking advice when it resonates with me.
With all this in mind I will be trying to find ways of engaging on a more emotional than logical level, but there is little chance of me dwelling too much, I would rather search for moments of happiness that I can share with those close to me. They are a great release in themself.
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
An Air of Stillness
Thankfully my approach last night of taking some pain killers before my chemotherapy tabets paid dividends in handsome fashion. There was no repeat performance of the previous two nights and I was able to get a good night's sleep. Most refreshing!
Also, last night I managed to drag myself from the sofa and get out in the garden and do the usual Chi-Kung practice. This was good both from a physical and mental perspective. Mentally, getting out there for thirty minutes and performing disciplined and routine exercise is a good way of helping me to rise out of the situation.
The rain was hammering down for most of yesterday and the time I chose to go out offered a pleasant surprise because there was a complete air of stillness about the night. There wasn't the slightest whiff of breeze an the whole landscape looked like a silhouette with the heavy cloud adding to the effect set against the vague remnants of light.
Such an atmosphere is soothing, relaxing and peaceful and is just what the doctor ordered.
Although different, the experience reminded me of a time when I watched Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream in the open air of Regent's Park. There was a moment during the performance where Paula Wilcox (of Man about The House notoriety) was performing a soliloquy and I noticed a rustle of the trees before a complete blanket of stillness descended as if there was a transition from day to night. Like as if night had parachuted in.
Shortly after I wrote the following poem, which is written through the spirit of (the eyes of) the night and its descent.
Also, last night I managed to drag myself from the sofa and get out in the garden and do the usual Chi-Kung practice. This was good both from a physical and mental perspective. Mentally, getting out there for thirty minutes and performing disciplined and routine exercise is a good way of helping me to rise out of the situation.
The rain was hammering down for most of yesterday and the time I chose to go out offered a pleasant surprise because there was a complete air of stillness about the night. There wasn't the slightest whiff of breeze an the whole landscape looked like a silhouette with the heavy cloud adding to the effect set against the vague remnants of light.
Such an atmosphere is soothing, relaxing and peaceful and is just what the doctor ordered.
Although different, the experience reminded me of a time when I watched Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream in the open air of Regent's Park. There was a moment during the performance where Paula Wilcox (of Man about The House notoriety) was performing a soliloquy and I noticed a rustle of the trees before a complete blanket of stillness descended as if there was a transition from day to night. Like as if night had parachuted in.
Shortly after I wrote the following poem, which is written through the spirit of (the eyes of) the night and its descent.
Tuesday, 10 August 2010
Pro-Active Pain Management
Apart from generally easing back I am going to take some other measures before I see a consultant on Thursday.
I am quite capable of absorbing some pain but what I have had to take on board the last couple of nights was no fun.
I am not one to reach for the pain-killers unnecessarily, I have a simple logic that says that the less you use them the more effective they will be.
In these circumstances I am inclined to make an exception and I will take some pain killers in advance of taking my daily chemotherapy tablets. The radiographers seemed to think that the pain is likely to be caused by these tablets in conjunction with the radiotherapy.
Otherwise, "it's all quiet on the Western Front". I am going into work tomorrow at least until lunchtime and whilst I am up in town I have an appointment with the Mad Canadian osteopath who should be freshly invigorated by his trip to his homeland.
I am quite capable of absorbing some pain but what I have had to take on board the last couple of nights was no fun.
I am not one to reach for the pain-killers unnecessarily, I have a simple logic that says that the less you use them the more effective they will be.
In these circumstances I am inclined to make an exception and I will take some pain killers in advance of taking my daily chemotherapy tablets. The radiographers seemed to think that the pain is likely to be caused by these tablets in conjunction with the radiotherapy.
Otherwise, "it's all quiet on the Western Front". I am going into work tomorrow at least until lunchtime and whilst I am up in town I have an appointment with the Mad Canadian osteopath who should be freshly invigorated by his trip to his homeland.
There's Many A True Word Spoken in Jest
One of mine and Notoplip's jokes is rather crude. The image is that at some point the cancer will have me on my hands and knees bleeding out of a particular orifice!
Not a pleasant image and up until recent events I have got away remarkably lightly. However, I found myself reduced to my hands and knees for the second night on the trot, though thankfully spared the other element.
In some ways it is a relief that something is actually happening. Of course, it is better to think that what I have is movement, disturbance effected by the treatment rather than anything more sinister.
The dragon has awoken and it is rather pissed off that its cave is flooded with chemotherapy drugs and it is being subjected to a radiotherapy disco light show.
Dance dragon dance, because life isn't going to get any easier for you.
That said I don't think that it it is going to get any easier for me in the medium term, but as I have always said, I don't care if the end result is right. It not much fun when swallowing the pain killers intensifies the pain further, but eventually they do their job enough for me to get to sleep.
There's a sense that suffering is an integral part of the journey, but it is something I have recently planned for both at home and at work. It has just all come at once.
Definitely time to ease back.
Not a pleasant image and up until recent events I have got away remarkably lightly. However, I found myself reduced to my hands and knees for the second night on the trot, though thankfully spared the other element.
In some ways it is a relief that something is actually happening. Of course, it is better to think that what I have is movement, disturbance effected by the treatment rather than anything more sinister.
The dragon has awoken and it is rather pissed off that its cave is flooded with chemotherapy drugs and it is being subjected to a radiotherapy disco light show.
Dance dragon dance, because life isn't going to get any easier for you.
That said I don't think that it it is going to get any easier for me in the medium term, but as I have always said, I don't care if the end result is right. It not much fun when swallowing the pain killers intensifies the pain further, but eventually they do their job enough for me to get to sleep.
There's a sense that suffering is an integral part of the journey, but it is something I have recently planned for both at home and at work. It has just all come at once.
Definitely time to ease back.
Monday, 9 August 2010
Tricky, Tricky, Tricky
A happy birthday to my sister "Tricky Crow". Apart from being my sister of some two years and ten days longer standing than me, she is my only other close relative living in England.
Kitten has just come back from Tricky Crow and Dumbledore's having dropped off a bottle of wine and a card. This is something that I had planned to do myself but I am afraid that I have been hit by the proverbial "lump hammer".
Not only was I up in the early hours in severe pain but there was plenty more dished out today, though not to the same high quality standards. It has been rather more like I have just taken a good beating. I shall have to have a word with the pain committee to see why they eased off the gas.
Eating has become more difficult too. Tonight I just had rice and mince but it was painful to digest and that I think is definitely courtesy of the radiotherapy, so at least it is busily doing something!
I've also been very tired so I have spent a good part of the evening snoozing.
There seems to be a pattern of a lot of things coming together once again repeating itself, which I have said is not unusual for me. The previous blog entry about overdoing it a little will no doubt have played its only part in the process. I will just continue to rest and see where we head tomorrow.
Moan over :-)
Kitten has just come back from Tricky Crow and Dumbledore's having dropped off a bottle of wine and a card. This is something that I had planned to do myself but I am afraid that I have been hit by the proverbial "lump hammer".
Not only was I up in the early hours in severe pain but there was plenty more dished out today, though not to the same high quality standards. It has been rather more like I have just taken a good beating. I shall have to have a word with the pain committee to see why they eased off the gas.
Eating has become more difficult too. Tonight I just had rice and mince but it was painful to digest and that I think is definitely courtesy of the radiotherapy, so at least it is busily doing something!
I've also been very tired so I have spent a good part of the evening snoozing.
There seems to be a pattern of a lot of things coming together once again repeating itself, which I have said is not unusual for me. The previous blog entry about overdoing it a little will no doubt have played its only part in the process. I will just continue to rest and see where we head tomorrow.
Moan over :-)
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