I had a pretty full week last week and it came back to haunt me just a little.
Yesterday morning I got up feeling OK, but not having slept that well. Just as we were ready to leave for the football at Wembley I started to feel tired an a little drained.
In normal circumstances I would have looked after myself and taken myself off for a rest, but when you have a six year old son ready for his first trip to see his favourite team at Wembley that course of action is not something that really comes on the radar.
The journey up to Wembley is not testing and we got there in plenty of time, it is the coming back that gets a little tricky with 85,000 leaving the stadium. We did our best to avoid the mayhem by hanging back a little.
So a defeat for Chelsea, but we had primed the boys to recognise that this was not the most important of matches and that it was the day out and the chance to see football at Wembley that was the main issue.
We had a great day out with Notoplip and his son Sonic, but I paid for it in the night.
I have not had too much trouble with pain from the cancer, but I do know that when I don't pull back on the warning signs of tiredness that it is ready for me. It's a bit like the Greek myth as articulated in Clash of the Titans and the cry of "Release the Kraken" as Hades (god of the underworld) releases his beast.
If only I had Medusa's head to turn this thing to stone.
Suffice to say that when the Kraken is released the pain is pretty devastating. The funny thing is that I am now findign it difficult to swallow my tablets which are all rather large. So it is quite comical that there I am doubled up but at the same time psyching myself up to endure worse pain caused by trying to get the pain killers down in the midst of the madness.
I can laugh because once the painkillers are in there I can get to sleep and that is a perfect remedy. Knowing that something is temporary makes it easy to deal with in the head. I hope that I don't lose that luxury.
So I am going to back off and take it easy today and relax in the knowledge that my son is quite a lucky little fella. He made it to Wales' Millennium stadium when he was four and again a year later. He has now been to England's stadium too.
Monday, 9 August 2010
Sunday, 8 August 2010
Normal Stuff
It would be easy to get a picture of me living a life of illness because it is the illness that is the purpose of this blog, but that simply isn't the case.
The treatment has been ramped up and a quick glance at the blog's appointment page for August will give an immediate impression.
Despite that I still put in a decent working week, being active everyday and making it into the office for parts of three of the five days. On the other days I was grateful for extra time that he omission of travel affords and was able to focus on the more technical aspects of what I do.
This weekend I took Boogle ice-skating whilst Kitten took Huffty to his football. I have got Boogle back into lessons, which she thoroughly enjoys and there is the added bonus that our normal ice rink, north of the river, is back open for business. I think I may need to step up my exercise regime a little as I was huffing and puffing in no time at all.
Yesterday we also all sat down as a family and watched a film encouraging chants of "Blu Ray, Blu Ray" from Huffty and I as we get in the spirit for today. Although Kitten felt the addition of home cinema equipment to frivolous I think that she really enjoys it when we all sit down for a film.
The kids are out this morning with Kitten at a play area but Huffy and I will be Wembley bound with Notoplip and Sonic at lunchtime. We are off to what is supposed to be the football season "curtain-raiser" Community Shield between Chelsea (Winners of the Premiership and FA Cup) against Manchester Utd (Premiership Runners-up).
This will be Huffty's first visit to Wembley though he has already been to Wales' Millennium Stadium for rugby internationals.
The treatment has been ramped up and a quick glance at the blog's appointment page for August will give an immediate impression.
Despite that I still put in a decent working week, being active everyday and making it into the office for parts of three of the five days. On the other days I was grateful for extra time that he omission of travel affords and was able to focus on the more technical aspects of what I do.
This weekend I took Boogle ice-skating whilst Kitten took Huffty to his football. I have got Boogle back into lessons, which she thoroughly enjoys and there is the added bonus that our normal ice rink, north of the river, is back open for business. I think I may need to step up my exercise regime a little as I was huffing and puffing in no time at all.
Yesterday we also all sat down as a family and watched a film encouraging chants of "Blu Ray, Blu Ray" from Huffty and I as we get in the spirit for today. Although Kitten felt the addition of home cinema equipment to frivolous I think that she really enjoys it when we all sit down for a film.
The kids are out this morning with Kitten at a play area but Huffy and I will be Wembley bound with Notoplip and Sonic at lunchtime. We are off to what is supposed to be the football season "curtain-raiser" Community Shield between Chelsea (Winners of the Premiership and FA Cup) against Manchester Utd (Premiership Runners-up).
This will be Huffty's first visit to Wembley though he has already been to Wales' Millennium Stadium for rugby internationals.
Saturday, 7 August 2010
Modifying the Diet - Simple Stuff and Nutty Roasts
As I said, I have been having trouble getting my food down.
Whilst I am now having trouble with even simple food stuffs it should also be acknowledged that I have not really compromised my general habits.
The writing has been on the wall for this approach over the last week as I have been using fizzy drinks to aid the process. They seem to shift the food much easier than other liquids but are not really an answer because a diet of fizzy drinks is not a good diet.
The Marsden advised pureed food but, at this stage, that seems like a hammer to crack a nut.
So I am starting to give the process some thought and am enlisting the help of others too.
I am not a stranger to understanding foods as I read widely on the subject in my late teens and twenties when I was a gym regular. There is also a lot of dietary knowledge in the family due to the widely experienced coeliac issue and Cymraes' interest in healing arts. Kitten is also good on the subject.
I can make simple and immediate adjustments too.
Much of my diet revolves around poultry; chicken being a particular favourite. It is a simple but nutritious source of protein and is low and fat and goes well with lots of other components. It is, however, difficult to get down so it goes out and fish comes in.
I am not a great fish eater but eat the simple stuff like salmon, mackerel, haddock and cod and there is plenty of room for me to take on other sources.
Diary is, of course, an easy source of nutrition and also easy to digest.
There are many simple ways in which the diet can be rebalanced. One of the avenues open to me is the vegetarian route.
Before mother's and her brother Gandalf family had to resort to coeliac diets, which are very restrictive, they were vegetarians. My sister was also vegetarian for a number of years.
Whilst that provided a source of amusement to me, I was not dismissive of it. Rather, I used to enjoy the benefit of some of the better dishes. I had some particular favourites, one of which is nutritious, smash full of calories and easy to get down - at least I imagine it to be when cooked well because it is very moist.
Courtesy of Cymraes and because Big G expressed an interest I am putting the recipe up here, which might be considered an interesting departure from my normal "BS".
Kitten may be surprised if I start making myself handy around the kitchen and I am not entirely sure that she will be as pleased as she makes out. Watch this space
Here's is Cymraes' nut roast recipe (though I am not sure where she got it from) - For the record I often used to eat it at the same time that I ate a steak. That was when I was young and greedy. The liberal application of bread crumbs means that she cannot eat it anymore - awwwwwwwww
Nut roast recipe:
8oz ground cashew nuts or 1/2 walnuts
4oz fresh breadcrumbs
4oz finally chopped onion
1oz butter
1 clove of garlic
1/4 pint milk
1/2 teaspoon finely chopped herbs (thyme or oregano or marjoram)
Salt & black pepper
FILLING
4oz finely chopped onion
8oz of shredded red pepper
1oz butter
4oz grated Edam cheese
1 beaten egg
METHOD
Mix nuts & breadcrumbs
Fry onion in butter & add garlic & fry
Take out of pan, add to the nut & crumb mix
Beat egg with milk & herbs, salt & pepper
Pour into nut & crumb mix
FILLING
Fry onion & pepper in butter, season & remove from heat
Add cheese & enough beaten egg to bind (all stringy)
Put half nut mix into a greased 1lb loaf tin
Add layer of filling, spreading evenly
Add rest of nut mix & bake on about 180-200c electric for 30-40 minutes.
Test by using a knife
Whilst I am now having trouble with even simple food stuffs it should also be acknowledged that I have not really compromised my general habits.
The writing has been on the wall for this approach over the last week as I have been using fizzy drinks to aid the process. They seem to shift the food much easier than other liquids but are not really an answer because a diet of fizzy drinks is not a good diet.
The Marsden advised pureed food but, at this stage, that seems like a hammer to crack a nut.
So I am starting to give the process some thought and am enlisting the help of others too.
I am not a stranger to understanding foods as I read widely on the subject in my late teens and twenties when I was a gym regular. There is also a lot of dietary knowledge in the family due to the widely experienced coeliac issue and Cymraes' interest in healing arts. Kitten is also good on the subject.
I can make simple and immediate adjustments too.
Much of my diet revolves around poultry; chicken being a particular favourite. It is a simple but nutritious source of protein and is low and fat and goes well with lots of other components. It is, however, difficult to get down so it goes out and fish comes in.
I am not a great fish eater but eat the simple stuff like salmon, mackerel, haddock and cod and there is plenty of room for me to take on other sources.
Diary is, of course, an easy source of nutrition and also easy to digest.
There are many simple ways in which the diet can be rebalanced. One of the avenues open to me is the vegetarian route.
Before mother's and her brother Gandalf family had to resort to coeliac diets, which are very restrictive, they were vegetarians. My sister was also vegetarian for a number of years.
Whilst that provided a source of amusement to me, I was not dismissive of it. Rather, I used to enjoy the benefit of some of the better dishes. I had some particular favourites, one of which is nutritious, smash full of calories and easy to get down - at least I imagine it to be when cooked well because it is very moist.
Courtesy of Cymraes and because Big G expressed an interest I am putting the recipe up here, which might be considered an interesting departure from my normal "BS".
Kitten may be surprised if I start making myself handy around the kitchen and I am not entirely sure that she will be as pleased as she makes out. Watch this space
Here's is Cymraes' nut roast recipe (though I am not sure where she got it from) - For the record I often used to eat it at the same time that I ate a steak. That was when I was young and greedy. The liberal application of bread crumbs means that she cannot eat it anymore - awwwwwwwww
Nut roast recipe:
8oz ground cashew nuts or 1/2 walnuts
4oz fresh breadcrumbs
4oz finally chopped onion
1oz butter
1 clove of garlic
1/4 pint milk
1/2 teaspoon finely chopped herbs (thyme or oregano or marjoram)
Salt & black pepper
FILLING
4oz finely chopped onion
8oz of shredded red pepper
1oz butter
4oz grated Edam cheese
1 beaten egg
METHOD
Mix nuts & breadcrumbs
Fry onion in butter & add garlic & fry
Take out of pan, add to the nut & crumb mix
Beat egg with milk & herbs, salt & pepper
Pour into nut & crumb mix
FILLING
Fry onion & pepper in butter, season & remove from heat
Add cheese & enough beaten egg to bind (all stringy)
Put half nut mix into a greased 1lb loaf tin
Add layer of filling, spreading evenly
Add rest of nut mix & bake on about 180-200c electric for 30-40 minutes.
Test by using a knife
About the Journey
At very close to six months since official diagnosis and a further two or three months since I started to feel ill this period of my life can now be considered a journey in its own right.
It is important to realise that I accept the illness as part of my life rather than being some malicious external force that I am battling against. This perspective allows me to continue to enjoy life on a day by day basis rather than constantly wishing it away focusing on a day when I am better.
It is difficult to find a decent analogy to explain the journey but a good one may be as if I have found myself in a pot hole.
I am alone in the pot hole but I have communication with family, friends and underground experts. There is much advice, help and encouragement but nobody knows whether the pot hole actually leads back to the surface because this is the first time that it has been travelled. Furthermore, there are junctions at which the journey presents options in direction and nobody knows which direction is the best.
For all of the collective experience this is a unique journey and, once accepted that is where I am, it is a beautiful journey of self discovery every bit as much as walking in the Andes or sailing on the Amazon. There are times when I am on my belly inching forwards on my belly taking in mouthfuls of water but, equally, there are times when I arrive in huge multi-coloured caves of light and wonder, which have not been seen before. The key to my journey is that there has to be an acceptance that it may end in a dead end.
This is no different to life itself where there are no guarantees for everyone. I was chatting with Sam the Eagle over a drink a few nights ago and he said that when I am crossing a road he feels protective towards me, wanting to make sure that I don't get run over and ruin my chances of recovery. I mention this because it brings into focus that there is risk and danger for us all every day.
Sam the Eagle's mind set is a little different to Notoplip who says that he is going to wait for me on the day that I get the all clear. He is going to sit in a high powered car outside the hospital and just as I come out in jubilant fashion he is going to drive the car as fast as he can and flatten me!
I appreciate both points of view for what they are and it is up to me to enjoy the journey on the way.
Sam, I'll show you a picture of Notoplip so you can shoot him whilst he revs his engine. Don't kill him because I want to be able to share the joke with him whilst he is in hospital with all tubes sticking out of him. I will lean over and gently whisper in his ear, "don't worry mate. Everything will be OK"
It is important to realise that I accept the illness as part of my life rather than being some malicious external force that I am battling against. This perspective allows me to continue to enjoy life on a day by day basis rather than constantly wishing it away focusing on a day when I am better.
It is difficult to find a decent analogy to explain the journey but a good one may be as if I have found myself in a pot hole.
I am alone in the pot hole but I have communication with family, friends and underground experts. There is much advice, help and encouragement but nobody knows whether the pot hole actually leads back to the surface because this is the first time that it has been travelled. Furthermore, there are junctions at which the journey presents options in direction and nobody knows which direction is the best.
For all of the collective experience this is a unique journey and, once accepted that is where I am, it is a beautiful journey of self discovery every bit as much as walking in the Andes or sailing on the Amazon. There are times when I am on my belly inching forwards on my belly taking in mouthfuls of water but, equally, there are times when I arrive in huge multi-coloured caves of light and wonder, which have not been seen before. The key to my journey is that there has to be an acceptance that it may end in a dead end.
This is no different to life itself where there are no guarantees for everyone. I was chatting with Sam the Eagle over a drink a few nights ago and he said that when I am crossing a road he feels protective towards me, wanting to make sure that I don't get run over and ruin my chances of recovery. I mention this because it brings into focus that there is risk and danger for us all every day.
Sam the Eagle's mind set is a little different to Notoplip who says that he is going to wait for me on the day that I get the all clear. He is going to sit in a high powered car outside the hospital and just as I come out in jubilant fashion he is going to drive the car as fast as he can and flatten me!
I appreciate both points of view for what they are and it is up to me to enjoy the journey on the way.
Sam, I'll show you a picture of Notoplip so you can shoot him whilst he revs his engine. Don't kill him because I want to be able to share the joke with him whilst he is in hospital with all tubes sticking out of him. I will lean over and gently whisper in his ear, "don't worry mate. Everything will be OK"
Friday, 6 August 2010
Darker Moments - Eating Deteriorates
Up until this week eating may not have been easy but neither has it been a chore.
There has been a marked deterioration over the last few days culminating in me finding it difficult to eat sliced bread that had been dipped in soup.
Hopefully there is room for some creativity before resorting to pureed food, but the decline has been quite startling.
What I do know is that I have been lucky up until now because many with my condition have this problem even with fluids all the way through ,whereas I am now close to six months after diagnosis.
What is perhaps more worrying is not knowing whether this has been brought on by the radiotherapy (in which case it is easy to live with) or whether it is simply the cancer progressing.
My overall health being good has made it much easier to navigate the last few months but such an obvious problem of not being able to digest simple foods is a stark reminder that my body is diseased and ultimately that is what cancer of the oesophagus is all about.
It's a bit like being squeezed by ethereal and sinister hands from the inside. I appreciate that isn't an image to enjoy over a bowl of cornflakes on the weekend but it tells a story.
I guess there may be a fight to be the first to the fridge for the smoothies from now on.
There has been a marked deterioration over the last few days culminating in me finding it difficult to eat sliced bread that had been dipped in soup.
Hopefully there is room for some creativity before resorting to pureed food, but the decline has been quite startling.
What I do know is that I have been lucky up until now because many with my condition have this problem even with fluids all the way through ,whereas I am now close to six months after diagnosis.
What is perhaps more worrying is not knowing whether this has been brought on by the radiotherapy (in which case it is easy to live with) or whether it is simply the cancer progressing.
My overall health being good has made it much easier to navigate the last few months but such an obvious problem of not being able to digest simple foods is a stark reminder that my body is diseased and ultimately that is what cancer of the oesophagus is all about.
It's a bit like being squeezed by ethereal and sinister hands from the inside. I appreciate that isn't an image to enjoy over a bowl of cornflakes on the weekend but it tells a story.
I guess there may be a fight to be the first to the fridge for the smoothies from now on.
Perspective Changes again
First off, a happy birthday to Lindylu. I hope that you have a good one.
Yesterday's conversation with the head of radiotherapy changed a lot of things.
The most important was realising that this isn't a sprint through therapy over the next five weeks, rather it is a gradual process until I am reassessed in seventeen weeks time.
It might seem odd that I didn't already know this but there is a gap between what information you are given, which questions you think of asking and what the facts are. I have accepted long ago that one has to be slightly relaxed and that the moment will present itself when information is ready to be taken on board. Following this blog for any period of time makes it obvious that you have to be adaptable in this situation as it constantly changes, whether through design or through perception.
The new time frame means that it is time for me to keep doing the things that I am doing well and improve on the others and be grateful that the process has longer to work.
Someone said to me today that it must be easier said than done to remain relaxed in these circumstances but the truth is that you become relaxed in any situation given time. The same can be said about the gambler in a casino. The first time that you gamble each bet is accompanied by an adrenaline rush and there is less cold logic but, as you become more proficient a cooler head takes over.
One of the things that I will be putting in place is some regular appointments with the Mad Canadian oesteopath. I have learned that he is not back until next week but when he returns I will use the diversity of his skills as an added tool in my healing box.
It interests me that many people seek out alternative therapies when the end of their journey with cancer has already been marked out, whereas I view complementary therapies as exactly that i.e. complementary to the mainstream approach. The Mad Canadian has a few of the more esoteric healing arts up his sleeve and they will complement not only my treatment but the other things that I am doing for myself.
Yesterday's conversation with the head of radiotherapy changed a lot of things.
The most important was realising that this isn't a sprint through therapy over the next five weeks, rather it is a gradual process until I am reassessed in seventeen weeks time.
It might seem odd that I didn't already know this but there is a gap between what information you are given, which questions you think of asking and what the facts are. I have accepted long ago that one has to be slightly relaxed and that the moment will present itself when information is ready to be taken on board. Following this blog for any period of time makes it obvious that you have to be adaptable in this situation as it constantly changes, whether through design or through perception.
The new time frame means that it is time for me to keep doing the things that I am doing well and improve on the others and be grateful that the process has longer to work.
Someone said to me today that it must be easier said than done to remain relaxed in these circumstances but the truth is that you become relaxed in any situation given time. The same can be said about the gambler in a casino. The first time that you gamble each bet is accompanied by an adrenaline rush and there is less cold logic but, as you become more proficient a cooler head takes over.
One of the things that I will be putting in place is some regular appointments with the Mad Canadian oesteopath. I have learned that he is not back until next week but when he returns I will use the diversity of his skills as an added tool in my healing box.
It interests me that many people seek out alternative therapies when the end of their journey with cancer has already been marked out, whereas I view complementary therapies as exactly that i.e. complementary to the mainstream approach. The Mad Canadian has a few of the more esoteric healing arts up his sleeve and they will complement not only my treatment but the other things that I am doing for myself.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
Roots
I was born in South Wales and my roots were sown on a council estate between Cardiff and Bridgend.
The council estate was not the best (sorry Lindylu and Roxy) but neither was it in anyway bad by today's standards. Whatever it was I had a happy few years there in the days when you just went around to someone's house, opened the back door and shouted "It's me. Are you in?"
The streets on the town were and are largely named after trees. I lived in Oak Road and there is Sycamore Road, Birchgrove, Elm Road and Willow Road.
Well, I have definitely gone up the world because the Radiotherapy "suite" at the Marsden is also named after trees but I am in the Juniper suite. How posh is that! It's almost like I should be handed a scone with jam and cream upon exit. "That's you treatment finished for today, Swordfish and don't forget your scone. Single or double cream". Mmmmmmmmm.
Back in the real world the following video, plucked from You Tube captures the working class South Wales spirit, self-parody and also the ability to prick the pompous. Aside from that I think it is bloody hilarious. Already widely viewed but no apologies from me for those who have already seen it.
******** Well I hope that you caught this video before it was removed by EMI for infringing the copyright of the original song. I guess that it didn't make JayZ and Alicia Keys look too cool but it just goes to show how little humour these corporations have!! ********
The council estate was not the best (sorry Lindylu and Roxy) but neither was it in anyway bad by today's standards. Whatever it was I had a happy few years there in the days when you just went around to someone's house, opened the back door and shouted "It's me. Are you in?"
The streets on the town were and are largely named after trees. I lived in Oak Road and there is Sycamore Road, Birchgrove, Elm Road and Willow Road.
Well, I have definitely gone up the world because the Radiotherapy "suite" at the Marsden is also named after trees but I am in the Juniper suite. How posh is that! It's almost like I should be handed a scone with jam and cream upon exit. "That's you treatment finished for today, Swordfish and don't forget your scone. Single or double cream". Mmmmmmmmm.
Back in the real world the following video, plucked from You Tube captures the working class South Wales spirit, self-parody and also the ability to prick the pompous. Aside from that I think it is bloody hilarious. Already widely viewed but no apologies from me for those who have already seen it.
******** Well I hope that you caught this video before it was removed by EMI for infringing the copyright of the original song. I guess that it didn't make JayZ and Alicia Keys look too cool but it just goes to show how little humour these corporations have!! ********
Medical Update
Today was clinic day, so I got to chat to the doctor and my specialist nurse before my radiotherapy treatment.
I say "doctor" but I was lucky enough to see the head of radiotherapy and therefore ask a lot of unanswered questions about my treatment programme as a whole. I have taken a shine to the head of radiotherapy as she is quite a "forward" person and is very happy to engage you. It makes a recipe for a clear and frank exchange. All of staff are good and the other heads of departments are spot on too, but I find an easiness in getting my point across to this lady without having to choose my words.
My shift from standard trial process to more chemotherapy and radiotherapy means that I am now in another process that I have to learn about.
Here are some relevant facts
My latest blood results are OK, so I still don't need a blood transfusion. I am pleased about that though would feel if happier if my haemoglobin wasn't just marginally above the requirement.
I am being given a big dose of radiotherapy and so can only go through the process once. Equally significantly, I will not be reviewed for operation until twelve weeks after the end of radiotherapy and chemotherapy treatment; that takes us into December. The reason for this is that whereas the delay before surgery after chemotherapy is to allow the body to recover the delay after radiotherapy is to allow the radiotherapy to keep working.
So it is a time for calm, routine and just keep doing the things that I am doing.
On a downside note eating is now becoming difficult. My ability to eat has deterioriated a lot in the last week or so and I am using fizzy drinks to get food down. I say this whilst maintaining a fairly normal diet. I will keep an eye on things but may have to compromise further soon.
All said and down, at the moment I am a "Swordfish" without any real vices. It must be the first time in adulthood and it is just a little bit frightening. Unlike Oscar Wilde, I can even resist temptation!
I say "doctor" but I was lucky enough to see the head of radiotherapy and therefore ask a lot of unanswered questions about my treatment programme as a whole. I have taken a shine to the head of radiotherapy as she is quite a "forward" person and is very happy to engage you. It makes a recipe for a clear and frank exchange. All of staff are good and the other heads of departments are spot on too, but I find an easiness in getting my point across to this lady without having to choose my words.
My shift from standard trial process to more chemotherapy and radiotherapy means that I am now in another process that I have to learn about.
Here are some relevant facts
My latest blood results are OK, so I still don't need a blood transfusion. I am pleased about that though would feel if happier if my haemoglobin wasn't just marginally above the requirement.
I am being given a big dose of radiotherapy and so can only go through the process once. Equally significantly, I will not be reviewed for operation until twelve weeks after the end of radiotherapy and chemotherapy treatment; that takes us into December. The reason for this is that whereas the delay before surgery after chemotherapy is to allow the body to recover the delay after radiotherapy is to allow the radiotherapy to keep working.
So it is a time for calm, routine and just keep doing the things that I am doing.
On a downside note eating is now becoming difficult. My ability to eat has deterioriated a lot in the last week or so and I am using fizzy drinks to get food down. I say this whilst maintaining a fairly normal diet. I will keep an eye on things but may have to compromise further soon.
All said and down, at the moment I am a "Swordfish" without any real vices. It must be the first time in adulthood and it is just a little bit frightening. Unlike Oscar Wilde, I can even resist temptation!
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
Swordfish and Ospreys - Another Ramble
A few people have asked me "Why the name Swordfish".
The truth is that I closed my eyes, cleared my mind and let the first thing swim in. The aim was to choose something in a symbolic and archetypal manner rather than a logical manner.
I could explain the choice in many different ways but the validation of picking a good symbol is that it will easily morph its meaning as the circumstances change.
I could wax lyrical about the two elements of the name i.e. the Sword, which is symbolic of the mental faculty and the fish which, amongst other things, is symbolic of death (change) and resurrection (Christians will identify with that as it is the symbol that early Christianity associated with Jesus).
I could go on forever about this subject but it is irrelevant. Right now I am interested in the characteristic of the Swordfish that encourages it to dive deeply and quickly when under attack. Sometimes it even spears its nose into the sea bed.
Last month was akin to that. Bad news forced me to go deeper and took me down quickly and forcefully. I have gained from the journey back up where there is time to reconcile events, learn from them and enjoy swimming in calmer waters for the time being.
Now I am not the family's great observer of nature. That mantle is shared between my father and my sister.
As I have journeyed through this illness I have felt more affinity with simple aspects of nature even if it is just watching the wildlife whilst out in the back garden. I have even found myself watching a few nature programmes recently. Nature programmes are something that I will watch if they are on and they are well produced, but I even found myself recording one a few nights ago.
So there I was with Kitten last night watching a programme called "Wild Wales". Ten years ago I might have been hoping that it was a programme about the underground party scene but here I was watching a programme about Chuffs in Angelsea, different types of moss (which I thought was stretching it a bit far) but then the beautiful osprey.
The osprey is a creature that I have admired since childhood. Not that I have spent much time thinking about it, but I remember seeing footage of it catching fish in Scotland. I had always associated this bird with Scotland; I think that when I saw the original footage many years ago there were six pairs of the birds in Scotland and that efforts were being made to encourage a growth in the population.
Of course the closest I have been to Ospreys recently is watching the eponymous Welsh rugby team on the tele and I always wondered why a team would be named after a bird that isn't native to Wales.
The programme put me straight. Ospreys started to "settle" (they are migratory) in Wales in around 2004 and have a growing presence. The filming of the bird for the Wild Wales programme was on the estuary at Port Meirion, which is famous itself as the village in which the original cult 1960's series "The Prisoner" was filmed. The village is now widely known beyond this particular slice of infamy, but again it has relevance to this blog because of a missed opportunity to go there.
I have thought many times about staying in Port Meirion but my one concrete opportunity to go there was missed, somewhat ironically, when I chose to walk up Cadair Idris instead. Cadair Idris is the mountain that I have mentioned several times on this blog and on the day in question I chose to venture with Gandalf, Bee and Beard instead of my parents Cymraes, Grumpy my sister Tricky Crow and brother-in-law Dumbledore the four of whom were off to visit the "Prisoner Village".
Anyway back to Wild Wales and the osprey. The footage of the osprey taught me something new, as all of the previous footage I had seen of the bird hunting was of it swooping in at an angle to the water and hooking the fish out of the water. I did not know that they mostly hover and then plunge down into the water, a sort of attack form of the Swordfish's defence characteristic.
So what is the point of this ramble through Wild Wales? Well it is simply that at this time I am digging and digging deeper and I guess that will be reflected in some of my posts over the next period.
Unlike July though I am descending in attack and not in defence.
The truth is that I closed my eyes, cleared my mind and let the first thing swim in. The aim was to choose something in a symbolic and archetypal manner rather than a logical manner.
I could explain the choice in many different ways but the validation of picking a good symbol is that it will easily morph its meaning as the circumstances change.
I could wax lyrical about the two elements of the name i.e. the Sword, which is symbolic of the mental faculty and the fish which, amongst other things, is symbolic of death (change) and resurrection (Christians will identify with that as it is the symbol that early Christianity associated with Jesus).
I could go on forever about this subject but it is irrelevant. Right now I am interested in the characteristic of the Swordfish that encourages it to dive deeply and quickly when under attack. Sometimes it even spears its nose into the sea bed.
Last month was akin to that. Bad news forced me to go deeper and took me down quickly and forcefully. I have gained from the journey back up where there is time to reconcile events, learn from them and enjoy swimming in calmer waters for the time being.
Now I am not the family's great observer of nature. That mantle is shared between my father and my sister.
As I have journeyed through this illness I have felt more affinity with simple aspects of nature even if it is just watching the wildlife whilst out in the back garden. I have even found myself watching a few nature programmes recently. Nature programmes are something that I will watch if they are on and they are well produced, but I even found myself recording one a few nights ago.
So there I was with Kitten last night watching a programme called "Wild Wales". Ten years ago I might have been hoping that it was a programme about the underground party scene but here I was watching a programme about Chuffs in Angelsea, different types of moss (which I thought was stretching it a bit far) but then the beautiful osprey.
The osprey is a creature that I have admired since childhood. Not that I have spent much time thinking about it, but I remember seeing footage of it catching fish in Scotland. I had always associated this bird with Scotland; I think that when I saw the original footage many years ago there were six pairs of the birds in Scotland and that efforts were being made to encourage a growth in the population.
Of course the closest I have been to Ospreys recently is watching the eponymous Welsh rugby team on the tele and I always wondered why a team would be named after a bird that isn't native to Wales.
The programme put me straight. Ospreys started to "settle" (they are migratory) in Wales in around 2004 and have a growing presence. The filming of the bird for the Wild Wales programme was on the estuary at Port Meirion, which is famous itself as the village in which the original cult 1960's series "The Prisoner" was filmed. The village is now widely known beyond this particular slice of infamy, but again it has relevance to this blog because of a missed opportunity to go there.
I have thought many times about staying in Port Meirion but my one concrete opportunity to go there was missed, somewhat ironically, when I chose to walk up Cadair Idris instead. Cadair Idris is the mountain that I have mentioned several times on this blog and on the day in question I chose to venture with Gandalf, Bee and Beard instead of my parents Cymraes, Grumpy my sister Tricky Crow and brother-in-law Dumbledore the four of whom were off to visit the "Prisoner Village".
Anyway back to Wild Wales and the osprey. The footage of the osprey taught me something new, as all of the previous footage I had seen of the bird hunting was of it swooping in at an angle to the water and hooking the fish out of the water. I did not know that they mostly hover and then plunge down into the water, a sort of attack form of the Swordfish's defence characteristic.
So what is the point of this ramble through Wild Wales? Well it is simply that at this time I am digging and digging deeper and I guess that will be reflected in some of my posts over the next period.
Unlike July though I am descending in attack and not in defence.
Boogle Takes a Trip to the Radiotherapy Unit
I went into the office early yesterday morning to have a number of conversations about current projects and my treatment programme.
I was out of there by 11:45am so that I could make a radiotherapy appointment which was "bang slap" in the middle of the day at 1:00pm. Fortunately, as we get towards the end of this week my appointments are scheduled closer to where I would like them to be, which is at the end of day. The first couple of weeks of appointments have to dovetail with the schedule that is already there for existing patients but then your preference can be accommodated, as others' programmes finish.
As I was getting to the hospital by train, Kitten arranged to pick me up and it was great to see not just her but also Boogle's smiling face when I came out of the treatment room.
I haven't said much about what the radiotherapy treatment entails as from a patient's perspective very little appears to happen.
I have mentioned that the radiotherapy suite is a dedicated new suite at the hospital. The machine that I am treated by is very sophisticated and an its four elements are able to rotate 360 degrees around me, allowing it to deliver the X-Rays from above, below and the sides. I have just scanned the web for a decent picture of the machine but I can't find one that seems to be as up to date as this impressive piece of machinery.
The bed I lay on is adjustable via handset electronics in three different dimensions allowing the radiographers to get my body positioned exactly where they want it. The positioning is aided by laser markers and they make painstaking minor physical adjustments (in addition to the bed positioning), before leaving the room and leaving me to lay completely still for around 15-20 minutes whilst they deliver the treatment and produced scans from an adjacent room.
To be honest I find the whole experience quite relaxing and the communicative manner of the personnel removes the impressive but austere feel of the environment. When I came out yesterday, the senior radiographer said goodbye and, seeing my daughter, invited her to come and look at the treatment room.
I feel that this was a great move because it removed the mystique of "daddy's treatment" from young Boogle's mind and, I assume, some of the worry.
She was allowed to use the handset to rotate the "big machine" and this will have given her the feeling of just a little control over the situation.
Later in the day Boogle saw Kitten at the computer looking at this blog and she asked if she could leave a comment. We try and include the children in the process as much as possible whilst sparing them from things that we believe that it isn't helpful for them to know, so Kitten was happy to help her.
Boogle is nearly three years older than Huffty and her awareness of the situation is much greater. I hope that little things like yesterday will help her feel more comfortable in what is a difficult environment.
I was out of there by 11:45am so that I could make a radiotherapy appointment which was "bang slap" in the middle of the day at 1:00pm. Fortunately, as we get towards the end of this week my appointments are scheduled closer to where I would like them to be, which is at the end of day. The first couple of weeks of appointments have to dovetail with the schedule that is already there for existing patients but then your preference can be accommodated, as others' programmes finish.
As I was getting to the hospital by train, Kitten arranged to pick me up and it was great to see not just her but also Boogle's smiling face when I came out of the treatment room.
I haven't said much about what the radiotherapy treatment entails as from a patient's perspective very little appears to happen.
I have mentioned that the radiotherapy suite is a dedicated new suite at the hospital. The machine that I am treated by is very sophisticated and an its four elements are able to rotate 360 degrees around me, allowing it to deliver the X-Rays from above, below and the sides. I have just scanned the web for a decent picture of the machine but I can't find one that seems to be as up to date as this impressive piece of machinery.
The bed I lay on is adjustable via handset electronics in three different dimensions allowing the radiographers to get my body positioned exactly where they want it. The positioning is aided by laser markers and they make painstaking minor physical adjustments (in addition to the bed positioning), before leaving the room and leaving me to lay completely still for around 15-20 minutes whilst they deliver the treatment and produced scans from an adjacent room.
To be honest I find the whole experience quite relaxing and the communicative manner of the personnel removes the impressive but austere feel of the environment. When I came out yesterday, the senior radiographer said goodbye and, seeing my daughter, invited her to come and look at the treatment room.
I feel that this was a great move because it removed the mystique of "daddy's treatment" from young Boogle's mind and, I assume, some of the worry.
She was allowed to use the handset to rotate the "big machine" and this will have given her the feeling of just a little control over the situation.
Later in the day Boogle saw Kitten at the computer looking at this blog and she asked if she could leave a comment. We try and include the children in the process as much as possible whilst sparing them from things that we believe that it isn't helpful for them to know, so Kitten was happy to help her.
Boogle is nearly three years older than Huffty and her awareness of the situation is much greater. I hope that little things like yesterday will help her feel more comfortable in what is a difficult environment.
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