Whilst certain things are beyond my control there are some things that I can push for if my energy keeps recovering.
It would be great if I could get into some sort of exercise again and with winter coming and the outdoor ice rink available at lunchtimes that is where I am focused.
I am going to start practising Chi-Kung again soon to help build the energy. I had put this to one side when things got really tough because I was so weak, but now seems a good time to start.
Also, I haven't started on the decks as I suggested I might do and they are ready and waiting.
So, no boozing and brawling over the next few months but some positive activities to keep me occupied. These will supplement a return to relatively normal working patterns whilst also being careful to make sure that I rest plenty too.
If I am up to it, it would be a pleasure to visit South Wales to see the new babies and also to visit Kitten's parents in North Wales. Who knows my little family might even be able to get on a little break in this country too.
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Mixed Messages
Contrary to what I posted yesterday, it looks as if Kitten's mum will be kept in hospital for a little while yet. There is concern in the hospital that they are not yet on top of pain management for her and they must be happy before she can go home.
I am off into work today for an afternoon presentation. I am taking in a visit to the Mad Canadian Osteopath on the way at 11am. He is working local to my work, so I can do the commute, have my treatment and then walk ten minutes to the office.
I was able to eat again yesterday but the ability regressed somewhat. There was a lot more pain and obstruction at the top of the oesophagus rather than just at the bottom, where the bulk of the tumour is cited.
When I say that there was obstruction at the top of the oesophagus I should put it into perspective that I the biggest thing I am eating is minced meat, it's not as if I am eating bread or anything of bulk.
As I come out of radiotherapy, I have no idea whether my progression is meant to be linear or whether it is likely to be two steps forward and one back. I will discuss these things at my next clinic appointment on the 4th October.
I am off into work today for an afternoon presentation. I am taking in a visit to the Mad Canadian Osteopath on the way at 11am. He is working local to my work, so I can do the commute, have my treatment and then walk ten minutes to the office.
I was able to eat again yesterday but the ability regressed somewhat. There was a lot more pain and obstruction at the top of the oesophagus rather than just at the bottom, where the bulk of the tumour is cited.
When I say that there was obstruction at the top of the oesophagus I should put it into perspective that I the biggest thing I am eating is minced meat, it's not as if I am eating bread or anything of bulk.
As I come out of radiotherapy, I have no idea whether my progression is meant to be linear or whether it is likely to be two steps forward and one back. I will discuss these things at my next clinic appointment on the 4th October.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Kitten Surgery
It is all kicking off at the moment.
As I head into clearer waters, we have had Kitten's mum in hospital and my mother, Cymraes, is also suffering with a bad back.
To add into the mix Kitten has been seening a consultant about a problem with her leg and she will be having surgery on November 8th.
My condition meant that the consultant was happy to put her to the front of the queue, leaving Kitten plenty of time to recover before we receive news in December of the success or otherwise of my treatment.
As I head into clearer waters, we have had Kitten's mum in hospital and my mother, Cymraes, is also suffering with a bad back.
To add into the mix Kitten has been seening a consultant about a problem with her leg and she will be having surgery on November 8th.
My condition meant that the consultant was happy to put her to the front of the queue, leaving Kitten plenty of time to recover before we receive news in December of the success or otherwise of my treatment.
Homecoming Queens
Yesterday, saw the return of Swelly Belly and baby from hospital. As the baby was premature there is still some early nurturing to be done. Our thoughts and congratulations are with Swelly Belly and Tattoo boy and we look forward to continued progress from baby.
Also, good news from North Wales where it looks like Kitten's mum will be able to return home soon. There is still some way to go for diagnosis but it looks as if the problem could be manageable through dietary adjustments. Kitten's mum has had a really rough couple of weeks and, under normal circumstances Kitten would have had a greater presence in North Wales to support her mum and also help her dad. So, our thoughts are also with them and we hope that Kitten's mum is able to get a confirmatory diagnosis soon and the medical support required to get on top of the condition.
Also, good news from North Wales where it looks like Kitten's mum will be able to return home soon. There is still some way to go for diagnosis but it looks as if the problem could be manageable through dietary adjustments. Kitten's mum has had a really rough couple of weeks and, under normal circumstances Kitten would have had a greater presence in North Wales to support her mum and also help her dad. So, our thoughts are also with them and we hope that Kitten's mum is able to get a confirmatory diagnosis soon and the medical support required to get on top of the condition.
Monday, 27 September 2010
Anger and Change
On the weekend I was asked whether I get angry?
In some ways that is a bit like asking whether snow melts because anger is part of my nature. That is where my creative streak comes from and it has been with me since birth.
As an adult I have learned to work with anger to channel that energy into things that are productive rather than destructive, but back to the question.
The fact is that I am not angry about being ill. That's just the way it is. What I do find though, is that after periods when I have been under duress anger rears its head just as I get into calmer waters. It is like a release; a kind of "what goes down must come up" and I cannot anticipate it.
A seemly innocuous conversation can get out of hand very quickly. I should stress here that I am talking about verbal expression of anger and that outright physical anger, whilst not alien to my nature is under control. That's not to say that I don't get close to the wind.
The point is that as you go through this process month after month and you come under duress your emotions take an absolute battering as well as your physical-self. I am not aware of this at the time because you are just getting on with dealing with things day by day but, as I said, it is when you relax that you are can be caught unaware.
I noticed this first when there was a repeated pattern of taking steroids for the first few days of chemotherapy and as the days got easier....bang....the anger would surface. Here it was less subtle because the rise in energy was palpable and synthetic and surging.
I take two views about occasional outburst under these situations. The first is that I keep on trying to anticipate with them, deal with them and channel more constructively. Nobody wants to get caught on the end of someone else's anger and it is painful for me and the recipient because it is only someone very close to me who is going to be on the end of it. They are the only people that your defences are down enough for it to be able to take effect. It is an unfortunate paradox that they are also the people that you would least like to hurt or offend.
Kitten and I maintain a dialogue and she is not shy in coming forward in telling me when she feels that I am getting too grouchy and I am not shy in telling her why I am getting grouchy.
Being ill like this is not easy both physically and psychologically and I am a long way short of perfect, but illness also offers opportunities.
Everybody likes the idea that they can change the things about themselves that they are not comfortable with. Well, unlike New Years' resolutions and other good intentions, illness gives you both insight into your flaws and a pathway for change.
Having been ill once before in my life, I view illness as an enormous neon flashing sign of Piccadilly Circus proportions warning that there is a need for change. So, in my opinion every physical journey of this type is also a spiritual journey and a pathway of change. The trick is to embrace that change.
The changes I have made already are ones that will stick throughout life. You will not believe it but some people just don't get the message. I was at the Marsden a few days ago and saw someone outside with intravenous chemotherapy going into their body whilst they smoked a cigarette. Now, I know that their cancer may not have been caused by cigarettes but it really does illustrate a lack of willingness or an inability to recognised that there body is in a serious and precarious position.
There are plenty of changes that I have made and some that I won't own up too on a public blog, but a simple one that I will mention is "over-drinking". I am not someone who has drank all the time in the past, but when I have it is never a couple of glasses. It is more "in for a penny, in for a pound".
For years I have been thinking that I have had some good years drinking in heavy bouts and that my body has had enough, but there hasn't been any reason too change. When you go through illness like this it gives you an opportunity to leave the wheel behind and have reason not to revert.
I am not saying that I won't ever go out and have one too many, but you will never again see me with a free-poured Jack Daniels and Red Bull, a glass of champagne a Long Island Iced Tea and a Budweiser sitting prettily in front of me at the same time, if you get my drift. There is now a sense that the body privileges the person to relax with a drink. Despite the fact that that drink did not make me ill, and I did not consume it often enough for it to do so, I realise that it is not my right to hammer it occasionally and continually and expect it to recover. This is because I have experienced what it is like to see one's body to fail.
Whilst I have dealt with major and necessary changes immediately there is also an opportunity to address minor flaws as one comes out of the depths of the treatment and, hopefully, the illness. Those flaws can be observed easily through the eyes of change that illness provides and it is either an opportunity that the individual embraces or ignores.
All said and done though a person's nature is not up for change, otherwise they become someone else.
In some ways that is a bit like asking whether snow melts because anger is part of my nature. That is where my creative streak comes from and it has been with me since birth.
As an adult I have learned to work with anger to channel that energy into things that are productive rather than destructive, but back to the question.
The fact is that I am not angry about being ill. That's just the way it is. What I do find though, is that after periods when I have been under duress anger rears its head just as I get into calmer waters. It is like a release; a kind of "what goes down must come up" and I cannot anticipate it.
A seemly innocuous conversation can get out of hand very quickly. I should stress here that I am talking about verbal expression of anger and that outright physical anger, whilst not alien to my nature is under control. That's not to say that I don't get close to the wind.
The point is that as you go through this process month after month and you come under duress your emotions take an absolute battering as well as your physical-self. I am not aware of this at the time because you are just getting on with dealing with things day by day but, as I said, it is when you relax that you are can be caught unaware.
I noticed this first when there was a repeated pattern of taking steroids for the first few days of chemotherapy and as the days got easier....bang....the anger would surface. Here it was less subtle because the rise in energy was palpable and synthetic and surging.
I take two views about occasional outburst under these situations. The first is that I keep on trying to anticipate with them, deal with them and channel more constructively. Nobody wants to get caught on the end of someone else's anger and it is painful for me and the recipient because it is only someone very close to me who is going to be on the end of it. They are the only people that your defences are down enough for it to be able to take effect. It is an unfortunate paradox that they are also the people that you would least like to hurt or offend.
Kitten and I maintain a dialogue and she is not shy in coming forward in telling me when she feels that I am getting too grouchy and I am not shy in telling her why I am getting grouchy.
Being ill like this is not easy both physically and psychologically and I am a long way short of perfect, but illness also offers opportunities.
Everybody likes the idea that they can change the things about themselves that they are not comfortable with. Well, unlike New Years' resolutions and other good intentions, illness gives you both insight into your flaws and a pathway for change.
Having been ill once before in my life, I view illness as an enormous neon flashing sign of Piccadilly Circus proportions warning that there is a need for change. So, in my opinion every physical journey of this type is also a spiritual journey and a pathway of change. The trick is to embrace that change.
The changes I have made already are ones that will stick throughout life. You will not believe it but some people just don't get the message. I was at the Marsden a few days ago and saw someone outside with intravenous chemotherapy going into their body whilst they smoked a cigarette. Now, I know that their cancer may not have been caused by cigarettes but it really does illustrate a lack of willingness or an inability to recognised that there body is in a serious and precarious position.
There are plenty of changes that I have made and some that I won't own up too on a public blog, but a simple one that I will mention is "over-drinking". I am not someone who has drank all the time in the past, but when I have it is never a couple of glasses. It is more "in for a penny, in for a pound".
For years I have been thinking that I have had some good years drinking in heavy bouts and that my body has had enough, but there hasn't been any reason too change. When you go through illness like this it gives you an opportunity to leave the wheel behind and have reason not to revert.
I am not saying that I won't ever go out and have one too many, but you will never again see me with a free-poured Jack Daniels and Red Bull, a glass of champagne a Long Island Iced Tea and a Budweiser sitting prettily in front of me at the same time, if you get my drift. There is now a sense that the body privileges the person to relax with a drink. Despite the fact that that drink did not make me ill, and I did not consume it often enough for it to do so, I realise that it is not my right to hammer it occasionally and continually and expect it to recover. This is because I have experienced what it is like to see one's body to fail.
Whilst I have dealt with major and necessary changes immediately there is also an opportunity to address minor flaws as one comes out of the depths of the treatment and, hopefully, the illness. Those flaws can be observed easily through the eyes of change that illness provides and it is either an opportunity that the individual embraces or ignores.
All said and done though a person's nature is not up for change, otherwise they become someone else.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Eating Improvement Continues its Ascent
Things are starting to move for me now.
I have had two solid meals today, both of them of the mashed potato and mince or tenderised meat variety. However, this is something that I couldn't have countenanced a week ago.
I am drinking Ribena, which would not have been possible because of the acidity and I am also drinking chocolate shakes as well as strawberry. These were also out of bounds due to acidity. It is a good job that I can now have the variety as the strawberry ones are now difficult to get hold of. Our local chemist was busy ringing around on our behalf on Friday afernoon.
The whole process of eating is less painful and the tumour is generally less painful.
Whilst the wider picture is about how well the radiotherapy has worked in reducing the tumour, rather than how easy it is for me to eat, having day to day life become easier is a welcome respite from the torrid waters of the last few weeks.
I am in the office tomorrow morning and the fact that I am getting more calories in and my energy levels are better gives me much more confidence in thinking that I will be able to navigate the morning successfully. This is of particular significance as I am doing a presentation to people that I have not met before. That takes a little more thought and demands a degree of "slickness" to make a good impression.
I have had two solid meals today, both of them of the mashed potato and mince or tenderised meat variety. However, this is something that I couldn't have countenanced a week ago.
I am drinking Ribena, which would not have been possible because of the acidity and I am also drinking chocolate shakes as well as strawberry. These were also out of bounds due to acidity. It is a good job that I can now have the variety as the strawberry ones are now difficult to get hold of. Our local chemist was busy ringing around on our behalf on Friday afernoon.
The whole process of eating is less painful and the tumour is generally less painful.
Whilst the wider picture is about how well the radiotherapy has worked in reducing the tumour, rather than how easy it is for me to eat, having day to day life become easier is a welcome respite from the torrid waters of the last few weeks.
I am in the office tomorrow morning and the fact that I am getting more calories in and my energy levels are better gives me much more confidence in thinking that I will be able to navigate the morning successfully. This is of particular significance as I am doing a presentation to people that I have not met before. That takes a little more thought and demands a degree of "slickness" to make a good impression.
Saturday, 25 September 2010
A Lifting of Energy
Today was quite a surprise because I went to Huffty's football match, came home and watched the end of the Chelsea match on the box and then went to the company BBQ and stayed there for a good few hours.
I would have expected to be completed washed out after the first hour of the BBQ but my energy levels were a complete contrast from yesterday.
We took the precaution of leaving before I got tired but, as can be seen by the time of posting, I wasn't overawed when I got back.
Overall an encouraging day and a pleasant family day. Things seem to be moving in the right direction and long may that continue.
I will be being cautious tomorrow to make sure that I rest plenty after a day of relative activity.
I would have expected to be completed washed out after the first hour of the BBQ but my energy levels were a complete contrast from yesterday.
We took the precaution of leaving before I got tired but, as can be seen by the time of posting, I wasn't overawed when I got back.
Overall an encouraging day and a pleasant family day. Things seem to be moving in the right direction and long may that continue.
I will be being cautious tomorrow to make sure that I rest plenty after a day of relative activity.
BBQ anyone
It's the company BBQ today, which is always a great day for the kids to run around. It is held at a club with great facilities on the banks of the Thames.
This year though there will be nothing on the menu for me. I guess that it is a flask with a milkshake!
I'm bearing up well though, having been to Huffty's football match this morning and looking forward to an afternoon out.
It is the closest that my little family has had to a day out for a while and I am sure that my colleagues will appreciate a quieter than usual Swordfish.
This year though there will be nothing on the menu for me. I guess that it is a flask with a milkshake!
I'm bearing up well though, having been to Huffty's football match this morning and looking forward to an afternoon out.
It is the closest that my little family has had to a day out for a while and I am sure that my colleagues will appreciate a quieter than usual Swordfish.
Gaining Weight
There was some dramatic weight loss last week when I couldn't eat properly.
I was twelve stone pre-radiotherapy. I deliberately got rid of a few pounds to 11st 9lbs but then the involuntary weight loss kicked in and I went down to 11st 2lbs, which is about where I was when my treatment started in the spring. Remember that I put the extra weight on in readiness for the scheduled operation.
After 11st 2lbs I slid gradually to 10st 12lbs but then there was a dramatic loss to 10st 3lbs when it became very difficult to eat.
What was particularly worrying was the speed of the loss over a few days. It makes you wonder where it will end.
Thanks to my magic milkshakes I am now back up to 10st 8lbs. So, rather than sitting here saying "weight loss stemmed" I am feeling good that a few pounds are going back on.
I had to reach for the oral morphine in the middle of the night but that is only the third dose this week and the only pain killer that I have taken.
There are plenty of negatives around too, but I am not interested in those for the moment. What I have summarised is the progress and that is a good thing.
I was twelve stone pre-radiotherapy. I deliberately got rid of a few pounds to 11st 9lbs but then the involuntary weight loss kicked in and I went down to 11st 2lbs, which is about where I was when my treatment started in the spring. Remember that I put the extra weight on in readiness for the scheduled operation.
After 11st 2lbs I slid gradually to 10st 12lbs but then there was a dramatic loss to 10st 3lbs when it became very difficult to eat.
What was particularly worrying was the speed of the loss over a few days. It makes you wonder where it will end.
Thanks to my magic milkshakes I am now back up to 10st 8lbs. So, rather than sitting here saying "weight loss stemmed" I am feeling good that a few pounds are going back on.
I had to reach for the oral morphine in the middle of the night but that is only the third dose this week and the only pain killer that I have taken.
There are plenty of negatives around too, but I am not interested in those for the moment. What I have summarised is the progress and that is a good thing.
Friday, 24 September 2010
Panning Ahead
As I gradually make a recovery from the battering of chemo and radiotherapy it is good to think of the potential for some normal days out with Kitten and the family.
Recent trips out just to watch Huffty play football or going to Chelsea have been tiring but manageable and necessary for the mind to expand away from resting on the sofa and "feeling tired". I am always cautious about adopting a mindset of "I can't eat" or "I can't exercise". You have to put it to the test regularly because the situation changes day by day and it is easy to sink back into the illness.
So, this morning I managed another decent chunk of work and I have set up two half days in the office next week for presentations.
This afternoon the kids were at friends so Kitten and I decided to go out. The weather was lousy, there was nothing on at the cinema at that time of the afternoon, and I can't go to a restaurant so we decided just to pop down to the local shopping centre.
As I was out for a few hours at Chelsea on Wednesday, I thought that a couple of hours in a shopping centre would be a piece of cake. I was surprised that as soon as I got out of the car I had absolutely no energy and I felt like I was walking through treacle.
I lasted about half an hour and went home to be sick.
It is a game at the moment - push, relax, hold - push, relax, hold. It's not an easy game but, like I said, I am hoping that in a few week time I will be able get out for a proper day out with my family.
Recent trips out just to watch Huffty play football or going to Chelsea have been tiring but manageable and necessary for the mind to expand away from resting on the sofa and "feeling tired". I am always cautious about adopting a mindset of "I can't eat" or "I can't exercise". You have to put it to the test regularly because the situation changes day by day and it is easy to sink back into the illness.
So, this morning I managed another decent chunk of work and I have set up two half days in the office next week for presentations.
This afternoon the kids were at friends so Kitten and I decided to go out. The weather was lousy, there was nothing on at the cinema at that time of the afternoon, and I can't go to a restaurant so we decided just to pop down to the local shopping centre.
As I was out for a few hours at Chelsea on Wednesday, I thought that a couple of hours in a shopping centre would be a piece of cake. I was surprised that as soon as I got out of the car I had absolutely no energy and I felt like I was walking through treacle.
I lasted about half an hour and went home to be sick.
It is a game at the moment - push, relax, hold - push, relax, hold. It's not an easy game but, like I said, I am hoping that in a few week time I will be able get out for a proper day out with my family.
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