It has been a little over 5 months since Swordfish passed away. Our home is a very empty place without his huge personality but it is also filled with the memories of a wonderful husband and father.
The children and I still take every day as it comes. We expect nothing and if all we achieve is a knowing look or a smile then we have gained.
I often drift back to the blog and read entries from various stages and tonight I was drawn to the last three before he died. I don't know how we had the strength to continue as we did as a family but somehow, we managed. And so on days like today, when I want to curl up and forget about everyone, I must take courage from my own words and remind myself that we can get through each day. No matter how hard or bewildering it may be.
Boogle Bunny turned 10 years old a few weeks ago and she has grown in strength and determination so much. There have been a few rocky times and very confused times but to her credit she has continued to develope into a wonderful, caring, funny and sensible young girl. I should really add occasionally stroppy but I won't!
Hufty was 7 back in May and through the last few months has shown very little change in his cheery personality and dispotition. He has always been sensitive in nature and this side has been slightly more noticable. He had a sad week recently but those times will come and they they will pass. Until the next time.
Their daddy would be immensly proud of both children.
We have moments when we cry together and moments alone. We laugh, perhaps not as much as we used to but there are many fabulous memories of Swordfish that we are able to share together.
Friends have as always been amazing and I am so very grateful to so many.
We mananged a holiday in May which was a much needed distraction and rest. We - just the 3 of us - went to our favourite island Ibiza. A few people questioned my choice, concerned that memories would be too painful. It was completely the opposite. I took great comfort from going somewhere special, that I knew very well and I was able to show the children many places and share stories of our time together both as a family and before, as a couple. Naturally, there were a couple of tearful moments but I think they would have occured anywhere.
I am yet to have any length of time on my own, away from the Boogle and the Hufty. I do feel like it's time that I did. I don't really know how I will feel. They are my reason to get up every day. But I must find some space for myself which I am not so good at doing. I am very scared that I will get everything wrong. What if I let my children down? It is a huge responsibility being a parent and being a parent alone, in grief, is particulrly tough.
I just want to make Swordfish proud.
I want to remember what it feels like to be happy for more than a brief moment.
